Emotionally and Financially Struggling

WE ARE READY FOR A BABY.

I spent all Christmas listening to my BIL and SIL talking about their "oops baby" and how disgustingly fertile they are.

It was AMAZINGLY AWESOME to get away with DH for vacation. We had a wonderful time at Disney World and the beach. It was exactly what we needed.

Friday night we spent time with DH's family that lives in Florida. His cousin and his wife have been married for 13 years and never used any form of BC. They never went to the doctor, never tried anything. And they just had a beautiful baby girl on August 4th. She was so precious. DH and I actually slowly opened the door to ask them about their IF. They were eager to discuss it.

They are very religious people. The same denomination as us. They left it in God's hands. And even though we are not strong enough to do the same (as in not going to the doctor) they were so helpful and supportive. It was so nice to open up to someone else who understood. We were able to tell them the stupid "sperm donor" and "surrogate" comments we got from BIL and SIL. DH's cousin said "There is just no reason to say that. There is no excuse for being that insensitive." And I just cried. Someone understood! And even though DH and I have decided to go the medical route to conceiving, they gave us so much hope to still trust in God. DH and I believe God has given doctor's medical treatments for a reason. We have our own personal views and I am not trying to start a debate or fight anyone else's beliefs, but we are so happy with our decisions.

We are going forward. We are not putting off doctor's appointments or anything. We are just going to go for it. There is no sense in waiting. We're going to try our best to be smart financially, but we are moving forward. DH and I had a great vacation. We had a great time together and wonderful talks. And for once I really feel like DH and I are on the same page. We are finally doing something together and working toward the exact same thing. :)

WE ARE READY FOR OUR BABY.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

I got a freakin' BFN this morning...I was either 15dpo or 13dpo...and STILL NO AF!

OMG were my hopes high! Even after seeing the negative I still thought...oh man I am just NOT myself...it MUST be too early.

Then we had DH's family over for Christmas. Ahhh. It's so nice to have a BIL who LOVES to talk about how fertile him and his wife are and how they NEVER have had ANY problems getting pregnant! Especially considering the one she's pregnant with now was NOT planned!

Then the jokes start...that my husband must be shooting blanks...that we must not be doing it right...and the inevitable "just relax." Ohhh. NICE. 'PRECIATE IT. You little *beeping* *beep* *beep* *BEEP*!!!!!

My poor sweet mother in law...she bought my SIL a maternity shirt. VERY cute. She just wants grandbabies. She has my nephew...and another one on the way. But not from me and DH. She said "Miss Emmyline, am I going to have 3 grandbabies to buy for next Christmas?" After DH announcing to everyone that I was sick at my grandmother's last night. Oh...and he announced to everyone that I was 4 days late. Greeeaaat. Thanks for that. So then of course EVERYONE starts picking on me for being pregnant.

Until I just come out and say "I TESTED! It was NEGATIVE! GET OVER IT!" And...my SIL and BIL respond with "Oh that doesn't mean anything...you should wait a week and test again."

And then dinner ends...and I had to pee...and lo and behold, I started. I cried. And I sat there. And I cried some more. And then I painted my face back on and went back to the group. I text DH with a simple note "I started." I didn't say anything to anyone about it. But I was SO SURE THIS WAS IT. My temperature stayed up. No cramps. New meds. But a BFN.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

Tagged! Random Facts!

I got tagged! Well, not really, but BMoM was tagged and said anyone that wanted to participate could...so I'm doing it!

The rules of the tag are as follows: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you. 3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts about me:

1) I have 4 sets of parents....my biological parents, my step-parents, my foster parents, and my in laws...and we visit ALL OF THEM every holiday :) I also have 2 brothers and 2 sisters...my 13 year old half sister (same mom) Abby, my 2 month old half brother (same dad) Benjamin, and my foster siblings, 6 year old Jeremiah and 9 month old Breanna.

2) I have had a significant life changing event happen to me every year since I was 17...at 17 I started dating DH and lost my grandmother (practically my mother), then I turned 18 and started college, got engaged at 19, married at 20, became a foster mom at 21, and I'm hoping to be a real mom by 22...try to keep the list going :) lol

3) My favorite alcoholic drink is a Medori Margarita on the rocks. I tried it for the first time when I was 19 at the Japanese Steak House in Disney World the night we got engaged. I only order it once in awhile...and for special occasions...like my 21st bday! :) And I'm totally going to get another one when we go back to Disney World this weekend!

4) I wake up with a headache everyday. I have not gone without a headache everyday since I was 17. I have Imitrex for migraines that I get occasionally....but still no doctor can figure out why I wake up with one everyday.

5) I wanted to buy the car we have now (Izusu Ascender) to plan for a large family...it seats 7. We only have a 2 person family...but doggonit I WILL have a car seat in there one day!

6) I grew up with 5 dogs my whole life. So when I got older and got my own place I wanted 5 dogs too. Guess what? We have 5 dogs :) Ella and Benji (dachshund/terrier mix), Milo (pug/terrier mix), Lilly (full blooded dachshund), and our newest addition, Budha (terrier mixed with something...)

7) The Producers, the remake with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick is my all time favorite movie. No comparison. I have literally watched this movie over 100 times I'm sure...and DH and I can quote every line. This is random because I do not like ANY other movies besides scary movies. The SAW movies hold a special place in my heart.

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular because I'm not sure how many of you will want to do this over holiday season...so if you want to do it...then I'm tagging you!

AF/BFP...one of you please show!

I need one or the other....seriously.

I am 12dpo today. No signs of AF coming. My luteal phase is only 10-11 days long...so this is unusual. I should be taking a HPT in the morning...but I'm not going to!

See, FF really screws with me. A couple months ago FF told me I Oed earlier than I actually had. It got my hopes up, made me anxious, and I even tested (and I do NOT test). Just to find out I actually Oed a few days later.

And that is what's happening again. At least I think so anyway. FF this cycle says I Oed on CD 16. If that is the case, then AF was due today and she did not come. I should be able to test and I should get a BFP. But after FF screwed me, I don't trust them anymore with my emotions.

So this cycle I think I actually Oed on CD 18, not CD 16. If this is right, then I am only 10dpo today and AF should start tomorrow or Wednesday. So I should NOT test in the morning. I should wait to see AF on Wednesday...and if she doesn't show THEN I would test on Thursday morning. I am trying to be reasonable and trust FF again because there is still another "possible" O day.

I am so mad. I hate being hopeful...I prefer being reasonable. I secretly want to test. But I am NOT going to! I am going to wait. And the thing is...I KNOW AF is going to show...I KNOW it. I just hate that I feel an ounce of hope because that way I will be upset when she shows. If she had just come like normal...or FF had given me the correct O day...then it would just be another AF. But no...this one will upset me...and I hate that.

So for anyone who is interested, you can check out my chart by clicking on the link to the right that says "My Chart." Really hard to find, huh? lol So if anyone wants to humor me...take a look at it and let me know what you think...

Merry Christmas! I most likely won't post until next week because of our vacation over the weekend...unless I get a BFP...so I hope you guys have a great holiday!!!

I just can't handle it anymore!

I am so freaking tired of seeing BFP posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh...I know that just makes me sound like a wonderful person (lol)....

So I joined the TTC After BC board back in March 08....and have since made lots of friends with a lot of the ladies on there....

But then there are ALWAYS the ladies who join...and start with a post that looks like this...

"New Here!"

Hi ladies! My name is (insert name here). I'm coming to join you! My DH and I are just so excited to start to TTC! I just went of the pill 'yada yada' last month. We are TTC our first! So if anyone has any suggestions as to what to do to help me out it would be much appreciated! I'm VERY new to all of this and I can't wait to get to know you ladies!

And that's the end of that post......

Then they seem MIA for awhile...not a regular poster to cheer on other fellow TTCers...but then...well, you know what's coming....

A month (or less) later...we get THIS post....

"OMG! I can't believe it!"

OMG ladies!!! I can't believe I'm pregnant! I just tested this morning and there is no denying it's a BFP! I was sooo not expecting to be one of those ladies who got lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly! I just want to let you guys know that I will be praying for all of you to get your BFPs too!

And then they just bounce right off to their DDC....

And I hate them.

And I can't post a "congratulations" response...because I'm not happy for them. It should be me. Not them. I am the one trying and trying and trying...not them! I hate that I feel this way...so negative!

I have become the "old faithful" poster on the TTC After BC Board. One of our hosts is not TTC right now. She has a 2 year old DD that took her 11 months to conceive. She's waiting until next summer to TTC again. Our other host joined BZ at the same time as me. She went off the pill in February. I had been off since October. She got her BFP in July. 5 months. And she wasn't even regular. She became a host shortly after she got pregnant...a host of a TTC board! Seriously?!?! Just a big fat reminder right in my face every time I log in...that she got her BFP and I didn't...and we joined at the same time...and I am still struggling while she will be holding a precious baby in April...

But don't get me wrong...I LOVE my hosts! They are so freaking awesome and supportive! It's the other women who join and move on so fast...that I'm having a hard time visiting that board.

And then the TTC 9+months Board. Our hosts are great there too. One of them already has 3 kids, but is apparently having trouble conceiving the 4th (ugh). Another has not done ANY treatments and she has been TTC for 21 months. Amazing. And then our last host, who is pretty much in the same boat as me...same amount of time TTC and everything.

I think I am going to slowly back out of my TTC After BC Board...I love those steady ladies over there...but I just can't handle the BFP posts anymore. The BFP posts on the TTC 9+ months Board are so encouraging and I am truly happy for them. But the whole "I was one of the lucky ones!" posts are just killing me...

So now that I feel like a total jerk...I think that's the end of my post. Oh, besides the fact that I am in the 2ww...and I will get my BFP on Christmas morning if AF doesn't show on Christmas Eve. Crazy, right?! It could be the best...or the worst...awesome.

Come on Metformin miracle!

So I am now in the timed intercourse phase! haha

Today is CD 18 and I usually O between CD18 and CD21. Lucky for me it fell on a weekend!!!

So we BDed today ;) and hopefully we will BD EVERYDAY until I get that thermal shift!

I am praying and praying that the Metformin is making me O...I would like nothing more than to get my BFP around Christmas! It would be the BEST present I've ever received!

As realistic as I am trying to be...I cant help but fantasize how I would tell everyone that I was pregnant. It is terrible to get my hopes up, but it would be SO FUN to get to announce my pregnancy at Christmas time. I have thought about taking pictures of the test and buying "Nana's Angel" shirts for my mother and MIL and giving them that for Christmas! Oh they would be so excited!

But I just need to bring myself down to reality and think that this may not be it yet...

But I can dream! Bring on the miracle!

Our Story

So I thought I would write out mine and DH's story...just for fun :)

I met him way back when...when I was 15 and had just started a new church. And then once I moved in with my foster parents (as I call them) we got really close. We started dating in December 2004. I was 17 and he was 22. Our first date was my school play! He was my date to my senior prom :)

On my 18th b-day he gave me a promise ring. This was July 2005. I started college in August...and we continued to be in love :)


Then in July 2006 we took our first vacation together to Orlando, FL and stayed with DH's aunt. We went to Disney World (my first time!) and on our last night there, before the parade and fireworks at Magic Kingdom, DH proposed in front of the castle. It was MAGIC :) hehe We had people from everywhere congratulating us! It was amazing!

So I came home, 19 years old, and engaged! I went through my sophomore year of college and we got married August 11th, 2007 when I was 20 and he was 25. We, of course, went back to Disney World for our honeymoon!

So that brings us to now. We decided to "put it in God's hands" and "just see what happens." We wanted to be young parents. As many problems as I have had with my parents, I still LOVE the fact that they are still young. They had me when they were 18 and 20. I am 21 now and he is 26. We took guardianship of a 17 year old boy that we knew from church in Sept 2008. We were happy to help him out...and it gives us practice for the future! So...I am now a college senior...graduating in May 2009! I hope to get a BFP before then!

Hopefully this was just a fun little background on us! I just thought it would help you get to know me a little bit more!

The Husband Tag!

So Annie tagged me to do the husband tag! I love my hubby to death! This will be fun!!!

5 Things Joel Loves:

1. Me :)

2. His Family

3. Reading
4. Computer Games

5. MOVIES! lol

5 Things on Joel's "To Do" List:

1. Pick up Jordan from school today

2. Pick up his work clothes from his mom's

3. Call Superior Finance

4. Take a shower

5. Fix dinner :)

5 Foods Joel Enjoys:

1. Burger King...he could eat here every day!!!

2. My Cincinnati chili

3. Misaki's

4. Chinese

5. Steak

5 Things You May Not Know About Joel:

1. he has carpal tunel and has to wear stints at night

2. he takes a shower downstairs so our bathroom upstairs doesn't get stained from the grease he has all over him after work

3. he moved up in his job faster than anyone ever!

4. he watches movies instead of TV in his spare time

5. he cooks better than me :) haha

5 Quirky Things About Joel:

1. he never gets the words right to ANY songs! lol

2. he cant' sleep in t-shirts

3. we have aluminum foil over our bedroom window because he cannot sleep with ANY light in the room

4. he eats ALL leftovers...even the ones that aren't his! haha

5. he LOVES to get dressed up because he's so dirty at work and he HATES being dirty

This was so much fun! I love my hubby to death! I think I'm going to have to share this with him when he gets home!!!

Alright...for some fun...I'm going to tag: B (The Angry Infertile), B Mom, Brookebug, and Foxy!

Another Month, Another Eggie

My DH and I have been going crazy like rabbits. TMI-Im aware. But nothing in my blog is TMI :)

It is pretty unusual for us to BD 4 days in a row! Must be doing something right! haha

So I guess I should have known something was up...increased sex drive and all...I'm about to O!

Oh boy! This month is different though because my fertile CM started yesterday, CD 12. It always starts on CD 15. But since I'm just SO on top on my body issues these days (lol) I'm pretty sure I'll be Oing this week! Or at least within the next 5-7 days.

If I catch that eggie this month...I'll be due for my BFP around Christmas. What a wonderful gift it would be to tell my in laws and family that we're expecting. I'm not too hopeful, but hey! That would make a BFP that much more exciting!

I cannot wait for my Ob/Gyn appointment on Jan 9th. I will have just finished AF and any meds she wants to start me on I can start right away :)

So wish me luck in catching that eggie this month! Woohoo!!!

Nothing New

So I really have nothing new to update on the TTC thing...

I'm on CD 10 I believe...which means I have about 5 more days until I hit fertile cm and about 8-10 more days until O time. So I'm waiting.

You know what's funny? I don't mind the 2ww. I can't STAND the wait to O.
Weird...I know...

So...my Thanksgiving was nice. I ate pretty much nothing. Actually, I'm kidding :) We started at my Aunt's at 12 for my dad's side. I ate one spoonful of everything I'm not really supposed to have. Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, etc. But that wasn't bad. I did fine.

Then at 3 we headed to my BIL and SIL's for my DH's side. We ate again. I definitely didn't eat much here. I ate turkey and cranberry sauce. And a piece of sugar free pumpkin pie.

Then at 6 it was off the my foster parent's house. I was SICK! Oh my goodness...I was incredibly nauseous and my stomach was killing me. I didn't eat ANYTHING there. I'm beginning to think that the way you lose weight on Metformin is through the bathroom. haha...no wait, I'm serious :)

So I figured my stomach wasn't agreeing with me because I was eating the "bad stuff" again. But it was actually quite the contrary. I ate pizza today...yea yea I know. Don't preach to me...but my stomach was fine. EVERY DAY on this medicine and eating healthy I have had multiple trips to "talk to my toilet." But today...I've felt fine. Of course! All I needed was another reason to eat bad again...lol. I'm KIDDING of course! But still...it was nice to go out to lunch with DH today.

We decorated our house for Christmas :) We have our banister ready, our tree up, and lights outside :) We got it ready the day after Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to decorate our house for the first time. And we took our family photo....just me, Joel, and Jordan. Do you guys know we have a foster son?? We are actually his legal guardians...but he talks to his mom all the time. He's gay. He's 17. He's a hoot. It's been real fun having a son around the house since September. So yea....our Christmas photo is ready to go on the tree. Every Christmas since we got married (all...ONE of them. haha) we have decided to buy a photo ornament and put our pick in it from that Christmas. So I have to go dig up last years pic of us and hang it up and then add the one of the 3 of us from this year. Maybe next year it will be with a baby in my belly...or even in our arms!

So...back to TTC...I have made my follow up appointment with my Ob/Gyn. January 9th at 9:00am. This is THE APPOINTMENT. The one where we will evaluate my Metformin...and talk about Clomid. Come on, baby...we're ready for you...

The Lemon Award!!!

So...Foxy tagged me!!!

I have been awarded the "The Lemon Award"

The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade.

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition:

1. The Angry Infertile (even though you're angry...haha! I give you some lemonade!!!)

2. Annie Bananie

3. Brookebug

4. B

5. This Cross I Embrace (I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I read yours! So I'm tagging you!)

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not acquainted with a wide variety of blogs.

So I think we all could use some encouragement! We all have the ability to turn our lemons into lemonade...even if it ends up sour!!! Chin up, girls! We will ALL BE MOTHERS ONE DAY!!!

So on to Month 14

So I am officially in Month 14 now. I have a nice glass of wine sitting next to me. Don't worry...I know it holds an insane amount of carbs I'm sure...but I'm alright. It's the only bad carb I've allowed into my new diet to date. However...tomorrow is Thanksgiving and while I will be careful, I am not going to cut myself off from eating everything unhealthy. That is just ridiculous. I am not going to let this insulin resistance rule my life. I am healthier person today than I was 2 weeks ago. I will eat in moderation. I will monitor my carbs. But I will not let my diet over-rule my life. I will still be normal..and I will eat.

So on the IF front...AF showed yesterday evening...giving me a whopping 10 day LP. That's just awesome (NOT). So out of the 5 cycles I have had I have had 2 cycles with 11 day luteal phases and 2 with 10 day luteal phases. So in January I will be discussing this with my ObGyn. I think she will be putting me on Clomid, but she may also want to put me on something with Progesterone to extend my LP. In fact, ever since I started charting (6 months ago!) and saw how short my LP was, I always wondered if I had a luteal phase defect. So I guess I will know in January. Until then...I will continue with the Metformin and keep my fingers crossed. I increase to the final stage of my Metformin on Friday...1500mg. I just hope it makes a difference.

Come on Christmas BFP!

Ouch! My tummy!

My tummy hurts!!! Last night, DH made spaghetti squash for dinner. Now, I love my DH...and he cooks great! But this did NOT sit well with my stomach! I felt SO NAUSEOUS afterwards! Just the thought of taking another bite of that stuff made me feel like I was going to throw up! So I ended binging on sugar free cookies to try to get the taste to go away! haha Big mistake!

I never did get the nausea to go away last night....I had the worst time falling asleep. Now today I still feel nauseous. And I've had some tummy troubles (tmi). My temp went down this morning...96.86...at only 9dpo. My temps usually stay higher than 97.00 until 11dpo and then they drop. So it could be that my temp goes down tomorrow again and I only have a 10 day luteal phase. Or it could go back up again tomorrow for an implantation dip! Doubtful, but still...it also could mean that AF is coming tomorrow....which would mean I'm having the shortest luteal phase I've ever had...not that I would be surprised!

So that's all on the IF front for now...I think I'm going to go eat some broccoli or something! haha

Followers!

So...if you follow my blog...let me know!!! I follow a lot of you! So show me some love! hahahaha

My struggle right now

So I hate this diet. Now, this doesn't mean I'm not doing it...but I hate it. This is my first step really trying to get healthier...so I am new to all of this. These issues now that they have come about have been so eye-opening. They have answered so many questions. I am very pleased that I have an answer for all the problems I've been having...but it comes with so much more...

I have now been on Metformin for about 4 days. I have been on this South Beach diet since yesterday. It sucks. I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into. EVERYTHING seems to have carbs in it. I can't have bread...and Ive come to realize that that is the ONE carb I will miss. I can do without potatoes, corn, pasta....but I miss bread already. In fact, I have decided I am not going to cut it out completely. I am eating wheat bread...it is impossible for me to do without it. I HATE salad...my first real whole day of the diet was today.

I ate 2 eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast. yum :) I attempted to eat a salad for lunch...gross! So I made a turkey bacon, deli turkey, tomato, and mayo sandwich on wheat bread. That was delicious. I also had grapes. Then for supper DH made some amazing tilapia with broccoli and cauliflower and mushrooms. That was also good....but I was still hungry. I ended up just now making some egg salad (with sweet relish, fat free butter substitute, and mayo). And I ate it on wheat bread. I'm obviously not doing so well on this diet...but it's a work in progress. I am really trying...and I have already made some big changes.

I am proud of myself...I had a good cry with DH in the kitchen tonight. I am a little scared about what's wrong with me. I am really making steps to change my lifestyle. It obviously cannot be changed in one day...or even a few months. I have to give myself time to get used to this. But I am determined to make myself healthier.

This is a long road.......but here I go...

I have PCOS...

Alright....so DHs S/A does not have be done til January now.

So here is the basic stuff I have to do: DIET, EXERCISE...lose weight! And take Glucofage.

My insulin was really high...I have insulin resistance. Which is a form of PCOS. Now, when I had my ultrasound done over the summer the tech told me she did not see any signs of PCOS...so I assumed I didn't have it. But my ObGyn explained to me today that they actually go by your B/W results to determine PCOS, so I may not have cysts...but I DO have PCOS.

She told me to go on the South Beach Diet. She also said that I have high cholesterol...and I am at risk for diabetes. Now I was not surprised by these 2 facts because my mom has diabetes and my dad has high cholesterol.

Luckily, she did NOT just send me packing saying "Diet and exercise and you'll get pregnant." She is putting me on Glucofage. She is starting me on 500mg for one week, 1000mg for week 2, and finally make my way up to 1500 mg. She told me it would help me lose weight!!! Woohoo! Im really excited about this because I have always wondered why I had a hard time losing weight (I used to be anorexic) and the only way I found to lose it was to just not eat. I do not eat worse than everyone else...but for some reason I stay fat! So Im going to start the South Beach on Monday...and start walking 30 min a day.

I have a follow up appointment with her in January. She does not expect me to be pregnant by then :( But she does expect me to have lost about 2 lbs a week...and therefore by January I will be healthier. She still wants me to temp so I can see if I am ovulating regularly. She said even though it seems that I am ovulating, I may not actually be releasing my eggs. She also said in January we will talk about clomid.

But basically right now I have to take care of my body before I can try to get pregnant. She said we can still try by all means by charting, but to not expect any results until we get my insulin under control.

I am so glad to have an answer! I am sad that I will not be pregnant by January, but that's okay. It just means I will be healthier and really ready for that pregnancy when it happens! My hope is that I can be pregnant by my birthday in July :) I think it's good to have a goal!!!

I'm so excited!!! Bring on the Metformin!!!

The Angry Infertile

Gosh I love her :)

I just read a new award she started and Im stealing it :) lol

Here's her blog: http://www.angryinfertile.blogspot.com

And here is what she posted :)

*****

So if you're out there, this is for you:

• If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen

If you know what a cootercam is

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC

If you know what an RE is

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case

If you can't wait to see the peak symbol

If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

Rules for posting award:

1. Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award



2. Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"



3. Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Thanks for speaking up, B!!!!! :)

It Has Started

I knew it...I just knew it...

I told DH that I did NOT want to tell anyone in our family that we were ttc....especially since we have gone so long without telling anyone...and how to tell them? Yea...I've been off the pill for a year now....???

But DH decided to tell MIL and FIL and BIL and SIL! Now pretty much DH's whole family knows. The select few that know in my family is my little sister (who is 13) and my cousin (who is 18). Both of them know me inside and out, so I had no problem telling them because I knew they wouldn't say anything.

In one of my previous posts I talked about all the suggestions from BIL we got the day DH told them. Yeah...that was fun.

Well now my MIL has started....I have now been told to put 1, possible even 2, pillows under my hips after intercourse. And to sit still in that position for 30 mins at least. Wow.

Amateurs. That is so last year. haha. That is like the FIRST thing you read when you start ttc. Little do they know we are looking into B/W and S/A and U/S and possible meds and treatments. But hey...I'll try the pillow under my butt approach. Sure...why not?

It's Spread Your Legs Time!

hahahaha :)

Well...it is that time again :) I had fertile cm this afternoon. We BDed too :)

This cycle I have told DH NOTHING...I'm very proud of myself. It is a total turn off to DH to hear "I'm ovulating!" lol So I have kept my mouth shut :)

Today I saw the cm and came out of the bathroom and sat right on his lap. He was already hinting...so I took advantage. haha

So I pretty much always have fertile cm on CD 15 and then I end up Oing a few days later...so my plan it to BD everyday until CD 21 at least. I'm pretty sure I can accomplish that as long as I don't use the word "ovulate."

The funny thing is...if you look through my charts, DH and I have NEVER BDed on the actual day of O. Usually a few days before, the day before, the day after...but not the actual O day. Now, we have techinally BDed on the day of O. You know, at like 3am....and then not BDed again until the next day. So we very well could have missed the O because we BDed more than 12-24 hours apart. I hope this makes sense...it does in my mind. lol

So I am basically holding out hope that the only reason we have not conceived yet is timing. It's not likely...but what do have to lose? Just time...and by the time we have our next Ob/Gyn appointment I will have already Oed. So I'm holding out hope!

Stupid body!

Well...after that 2 seconds of spotting yesterday...I have not had any since...it was still the weirdest thing! But I guess maybe nothing...huh.

Today was TERRIBLE! I had school today and luckily made it through the whole 6 hour day of 4 classes and 1 1/2 hour increments of sitting in ridiculously uncomfortable chairs. But I survived. Mostly...I made it to my last class and finally broke down and took some meds before class started...I couldnt take the pain anymore!

But what was SO funny what that we had a test in that class. Yea. Go me. Im really smart. Man, I was zoning out!!! It was pretty funny because we had a performance test...yea. I had to sign! OMG that was just terrible! I would LOVE to watch my video again because I can guarantee you any Deaf person watching it would have DIED laughing! Thank God for extra credit that I can make up when Im NOT stoned or in a med-induced coma.

haha. The day is over.

What the heck?!

I was spotting today!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am on CD11....that means I am about 5 days pasted AF and about 5 days from my "fertile time."
I have NEVER had this before?!?! It was so weird...bright red spot on the toilet paper when I went to the bathroom...so I wiped again...and there is was again!

I have NO IDEA what it is! I just hope nothing's up!

Stuck in a rut

I havent posted lately...

I have not had anything to say. I havent posted anything on my message boards either. Like I said, Ive had nothing to say.

I have responded to others posts. Mainly pregnancy posts...sigh...so many ladies on my message board getting pregnant...oh well.

I have not been wanting to take my temps this cycle....my VIP subscription on FF ran out and I havent purchased another one...mainly because I havent really wanted to. Infertility is taking a backseat...to what? Im not really sure...maybe, life?

I am seriously stuck in a rut. I have reached a point in this journey that I do not know where to go from here. We have tried for a year on our own...so obviously naturally is not the answer here. So where do we go? To the treatments? There's no way we can afford it without ANY insurance coverage :( that is sad...

DH still has gotten his S/A done. Apparently they only do labs on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. DH needs to go in on a Friday. He works 6:30am to 4:30am M-Th. So Im not sure what we're going to do. But right now, I dont care. Im not upset that it hasnt been done yet...Im not "gun ho" with it all right now. But that's okay.

So Im stuck...Im not pregnant, but that's okay. I'm not trying any more...I'm over it.

So I guess this is what they call a "break." Im okay with that.

The Only Other Pain I Have...

Besides IF is...my BACK :(

So here is the best way for me to describe it...(the whole story) I was diagnosed with sciatica in April 07. I was put on prescription drugs for a while and then just stopped taking them a little while after...so anywho...

In May 08 I finally wanted to talk about a normal medication or something my doctor could put me on for relief because it was getting a little worse. So the first thing he says is Physical Therapy...I just needed to learn some relief exercises etc. OK no big deal! So I go.....and it HURT! I asked the Physical Therapist how long it would hurt..and she said maybe a day, but I should feel better by the next appointment...so didn't happen!!!

Next thing I know...a few days later my dog got a hold of something she shouldn't have and I went to bend down to get into her cage to get it from her....and all of a sudden...PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so intense I couldn't move an inch!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stand up, I couldn't sit down, I couldn't walk...I was stuck! And I was FREAKING OUT! So I called my mom at like 1 am to come and help me...I was crying and screaming in pain...my DH even had to come home from work to help me!

So....DH and I go straight to my doctor again the next morning and tell him basically PT=bad idea!!! So he gave me hydrocodone and sent me home. Told me to take a rest from PT until I felt better and try it again. He also sent me for an MRI. I went for my second PT appointment. She immediately says "go home, this should not be hurting like this and we could hurt you worse if we try anything"

The MRI showed NOTHING. No herniated disc, no slipped disc, no bulging disc...NOTHING. The MRI nurse lady I saw was a total B**** and told me to just take 4 ibuprofen 3x a day for 2 weeks and I would feel better. I cried again...I was pissed. The ibuprofen did NOT work either. Keep in mind I also take ibuprofen everyday...so I KNOW it's not helping!

Ok...so I move on...it's nothing...basically my doctor says it looks like something I'm just going to have to tolerate. I'm ok with that....until....it happened AGAIN! My back did the EXACT SAME THING around Labor Day one night.....I was sitting at my laptop at my dining room table...just sitting...shifted my seat and BAM ......EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!!!!! Since I had experienced it before I knew what to do....I hobbled myself to the kitchen, got my oxycodone...and went to bed....I couldn't even get out of bed without help the next day. DH had to even help me go to the bathroom which is like 20 feet away from our bed :(

I didn't go to the doctor that time....I just remembered my doctor saying "your just gonna have to deal with it" so I called into work that day and felt better the next day enough to go to school.

And then (I'm almost finished!) last night...I was bending down to slip my foot into my boot (i was standing up) and BAM. I grabbed a hold of my dresser and door knob and couldn't move. I managed to open the door and yell for DH. First thing he did was give me an oxycodone and he said "thats it...we're going to the ER" I had to be put in a wheel chair. And all they gave me was 2 pain med shots in my butt and some prescriptions that were not even as strong as the ones I already had! It was a TERRIBLE experience!

So...the pain itself is in my lower back. Sometimes it shoots up to my right shoulder blade. Sometimes it shoots through my right leg (but that may just be the sciatica). I cant stand up straight because the pain is so bad. I cant do stairs....I cant stand up straight....the pain is somewhat throbbing, but more just continuous and worse when I move even the slightest.

So there's my story...I have a doctor appointment for tomorrow with my regular doctor again...I'm scared to hear the suggestion to go to a chiropractor just because I cant lie flat on hard surfaces like I had to do at PT. I don't want to re-live PT all over again!

My Sister in Law

is pregnant

AGAIN

My nephew is not yet 11 months old.

"Now all we have to do is get you pregnant! We could be pregnant together!"

Yea.....sure.

This Painful Process

This process is very painful. Both emotionally/mentally and physically. There is one thing and one thing only that I miss about being on the pill. NO PAINFUL AF! Ugh...AF came yesterday...and TORE UP MY INSIDES. I really thought I was dying. I seriously considered going to the doctor. I think by the end of the day I had taken about 15 Ibuprofen. And 2 Acetaminophen. And 1 hydrocodone. YES, I broke down and took my prescription meds. YES, it was THAT bad.

My back was hurting so bad...my stomach was hurting so bad...I was miserable all day. I had NEVER had AF pain that bad before. In a whole year ttc, AF has never hurt like that.

So...off of that subject...I went in for my B/W today! They took 6 viles of blood! Whew! Surprising, I was fine. I warned the nurse that every time I have blood drawn they usually have a hard time finding my veins and they poke me a thousand times. So I told her which one always works. And she got it the first time! Hallelujah! That was seriously the first time. So we talked while it was drawing and next thing I knew it was finished. And then I looked over and was like "My goodness!" She laughed and said "I told you I was taking a lot! She's (my obgyn) just covering all her bases!" haha

So needless to say....I cannot wait until Nov 14th. I cannot wait to get some answers. You know, surprisingly I was not upset with AFs arrival. I was practically expecting it and not for a second did I think about a pregnancy. How weird, huh? I guess I'm just coming to the realization that it probably wont happen on our own. And I guess I'm ok with that right now.

DH and I have decided that if the B/W and S/A come back normal we will work on paying off all of our outstanding medical bills before we go any further. We don't have THAT many to pay off...I just don't want to kill us. But soon :) I love saying that. It reminds me of the answer my hubby used to give me before we got engaged. I wanted to get married so bad and every time I would ask him he would say "I dunno." And then ONE TIME he answered "Soon." And we were engaged the next month! haha Oh my...the memories...I guess we're moving on to the next step...soon :)

Ob/Gyn :)

So...I LOVED my appointment! I was so afraid that my charts were going to be ignored and my concerns would be dismissed. But not at all! She was wonderful! Basically she walked in and asked a bunch of questions about me. She looked at my charts and said "Oh, yea, you have a great ovulation pattern." That was so good to hear! Then she looked over my results of the trans-vaginal u/s. She didn't seem too concerned about the small fibroid, but she said she would revisit it later if we don't find anything. Then we talked about the blood work that my family care doctor had taken. I didn't have the results with me :( DH and I were trying to remember what he had tested, but we couldn't remember everything. But I did let her know that he told me everything was normal.

So the first thing she wanted to do was to get DH tested. Thanks to my wonderful message boards...I was expecting this! And I had warned DH for a long time that from the first time we talk about IF that a S/A will be one of the first things they would want. So he's just fine with that. Then, also, since she didn't have exact answers on the B/W she wants me to come in for fasting B/W so she can get her own results and test everything that she wants tested.

So, needless to say, I am SUPER EXCITED! We're finally getting some answers!!! DH ended up breaking the news to his mom and brother that we were getting some tests done :( I was a little upset when he said it...but I guess there's not reason in hiding it from them. That's not the side of the family I was worried about! haha

DHs brother gave a few suggestions (of course!) Everyone has to have a say when you first come out about IF. So anywho....he told us that it is better for DH to orgasm first and "deposit" and then for me to orgasm after he has already "deposited" because my cervix will expand and let in more sperm? I dunno... He kept asking us if we tried OPKs (yes) and elevating my hips afterwards (yes) and then orgasm thing....so yea. Hey, it won't hurt to try, will it?

So AF is expected tomorrow :( But that's okay because I have our follow up appointment on Nov 14th to look forward to! Im going in for my B/W on Monday morning and DH is waiting to do his S/A until Friday because of his work schedule. DHs hours have changed so now he works M-TH 6:30am to 4:30pm. So we would not be able to get it to the office within 30 min during his work schedule.

Oh boy! We're finally moving forward!

"Keep moving forward" -Meet the Robinsons

The 2ww...

So I am in the 2 week wait. But actually for me...it's only 11 days...but anywho. Turns out I Oed on CD 19. Looks pretty reasonable. So the BD on Monday morning and the BD around midnight Sat/Sun should do the trick (yea right!). My temps are pretty sustained...so I'm pretty good this cycle. Not holding out hope, but Im not bummed either....not yet at least.

So Friday is my first Obgyn appointment. Of course, Ive had them in the past....but this one is the "grown up-time to see what's going on" appointment. I am going to take my charts. I am also going to tell her that I am expecting AF on Sunday...so hey, if we're gonna do some meds or anything (fingers crossed) then she may as well go ahead and give them to me so I get them started right away! But really all Im planning on doing is taking my charts...and letting her know what I did before that....and letting her know the results of my transvag. and bloodwork. That way we don't waste time testing things that have already been tested.

I am just hoping we can get the ball rolling...no sense in wasting time...That BFP has been waited for long enough!

O Day!

I believe my O day has come and gone. I think it was CD 18, Monday. I had a positive OPK at 4 pm on Sunday afternoon....so DH and I BDed Monday morning around 9 am. I think that is really the only BD that will count this cycle :( We als BDed at around 1 am Sunday morning...but that was before my pos OPK, so who knows!!!

It is funny how predictable my cycles are becoming. I have Oed now on CD 21 twice, and CD 18 once. And this cycle I think was CD 18 again. Last cycle was so devastating. FF said I Oed on CD 16 and I believed it. Crazy! I know my body sooo well know! I knew when my temps went back into 96 degree range I had not Oed yet. However, I let my hopes get up. FF had never been wrong before...so hope was there. My "chart stalkers" (Sylance!) on my message board just "knew" this was it...and yet it wasn't :( The second my temps went up again last cycle I knew my O date was wrong. So have decided to pay more attention to my body and my personal feelings before I trust FF completely.

This cycle has been the same...pretty much. I have used the temp corrector a hundred times this cycle! For some reason I have been woken up or had to wake up earlier than usual. So honestly, I can't go by my temps right now...things have just been getting in the way. But because now I feel like I know my body so well...I know I've Oed already...even if FF ends up getting confused. I have had CM like always, I had a pos OPK, I had a temp rise (sorta), and now CM is gone. I Oed on CD 18...I know it.

But this cycle I am bummed. I think because it has been the "same old, same old" type of cycle. I know I won't be pregnant. If this cycle is it, why didn't the others work? They've all been the roughly the same since I started charting. We always had good timed BD...I even stayed still afterwards the majority of the time. So why would this one be any different??

Let's just hope this is it. :(

So it's been a week

So I figured I would write something again...a lot has happened. Two more girls on my message board got their BFPs...it's STILL not me :(

I am in my "fertile window" right now. Started seeing watery CM Friday...DH and I have only BDed once. For some reason this time around I don't feel like telling him anything. I feel like if we decide to BD then that's okay; and if we don't, that's okay too. The problem with me is that I KNOW now when I am ovulating...I have been paying attention to my body's signs for so long now that I just KNOW. So it is terribly hard to not say anything. It's also terribly hard for me to not think about it and notice it.

In 2 weeks I will know...AF will show up...or I will finally get my long awaited BFP.

Yesterday was the fall festival at my old K-8 school. Me and BFF have run the alumni booth since we graduated the 8th grade in '01. This was our 8th year. We saw a bunch of our old class members who wandered over to the booth to say hey and catch up for a minute. One of those was a girl who had gone to school with us since Kindergarten. She got married 2 weeks before me and DH. She is also 6 months pregnant. She looked sooooo pregnant. And I was sooooo jealous. She was telling me how this was the first day she had been out for so long and how tired she was...she was huge! And I couldn't stop telling her how happy I was for her. And yet...I so wanted it to me this year...the one that everyone runs up to because they haven't seen me in a year...and I hear "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant!" And I go through the motions of telling them how far along I am, and how tired I am, and how excited I am....but not this year. Maybe next year....But hey, I hope to be pregnant now...which means I will have already had the baby by the next festival...

Well, there you have it. My goal. I want to have a baby, or at least be pregnant by next year's fall festival. Fingers crossed.

Congrats! But not for me...

Well...today another girl on my message board got her BFP!!!!! I am SO EXCITED for her! She has been ttc for over a year and had almost lost hope...but then she got it! Woohoo! But every time this happens it is bitter sweet. Someone is pregnant....and it's not me...again. I also found out that a lady that I go to church with is pregnant...with her third! OMG...WHY ME?!?!?! Why can't I just get my BFP and move on...? It's so unfair! She has had her 2nd and now pregnant with her 3rd since we've been trying. Wow.

Time For a Change

I have decided to make some changes to my body. For the better of course! I realized today that I have gained about 100 pounds since I met DH when I was 17. Well...basically I want to get down to a reasonable, healthy size. I am 5'10". My close friends that actually do know how much I weigh are surprised when they hear the number. "I never would have thought!" or "You sure don't look like it!" My simple response is "It's 'cause I'm tall." And yeah, it is. I am able to carry weight better because of my height. However, the down side is I really tend to carry my weight all in my stomach. Not in my butt, my thighs, hips...nope! Not me! Even being big I don't get blessed with the "right" curves! haha. But when I started thinking about this...I realized. Huh, this may be affecting my fertility. I didn't really think about it because overweight women get pregnant all the time. But...I don't carry my weight all over. I carry it right in the middle. I have skinny legs, my arms aren't that big....it's all in my stomach! So I guess my goal is...to just work it off. I'm not gonna stress about it. I'm just going to make an extra effort to walk at my local park with my friend every chance I get. Since I recently went down to "sub" status at my work, I'm pretty much off work until I get called in. So I am taking this time to improve my fitness...a little bit at a time. Total...I think I have to lose about 87 pounds to get down to a healthy weight for my height. But I have a really cranky scale...so there's no telling how accurate it is. I think I will base most of my success by my new found energy rather than the number on the scale.

Why Start a Blog??

I decided to start a blog because I want to be able to capture my journey from now until (if ever) I get pregnant. This has been such a confusing and hard journey thus far. My DH and I are still very young. I continue to use that to boost my spirits. However, it is still so difficult when the cold hard fact is that we have tried to conceive for one whole year now and no baby. I plan to use this blog to help other women going through the same devastating experiences. I basically just need a place to put all my emotions about the simple fact that I am infertile. If nothing else, it is a simple place to vent. :)