Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sorry MIA! Update!

Sorry I've been a lousy blogger. First off, I have felt like I had nothing to blog about. I started this blog to talk about our IF journey...but when you're on a break, you're on a break. And second, I just have not had time. The good thing about being a break has made me realize that I have a lot of other things to do.

So here is a nice long update.

First I would like to start with a big ole


To BMoM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I totally cried when I read your BFP post and saw that beautiful faint line. I am so happy that the hyperplasia was all that was standing in your way of starting your wonderful family. AND! I am so pleased to see you become a mom in 2009! You really bit the bullet! December will be here before we know it! Congrats girl!

Alright moving my darling girl, Brooke. I was so heart broken to see you had started AF. I know the only thing pulling you through is your faith. And that is why I know you will never lose it. God knows you are a strong woman. I am so happy to see you pulling through...even if it is on your knees :) I KNOW! that one day you will be a mom. And I totally agree with your recent post where you said "Everyone will know that my baby is a blessing!" I know it! You will make it through this...we will! And I cannot wait to rejoice with you when you finally get that long awaited BFP!

Let me on the list...I guess the hubbs :) He got laid off again. I didn't think to blog about it immediately because sadly I wasn't surprised. He went in one day and out the next. They said the next call back won't be until June. So he immediately decided to take his 2 weeks vacation pay and say "good riddance." It still has not sunk in that he really never has to go back to that TERRIBLE job. He has already contacted a few employers and considering we're still getting pay checks for 3 weeks and I will be working in close to 4-5 weeks...I'm not worried. So speaking of the next 4-5 weeks....

I have FOUR WEEKS LEFT of college!!!!!! I just really can't believe it. I still have 2 papers and 2 finals to complete, so I really don't feel like I'm close to being finished...but it's really coming! May 6th is right around the corner!

Also right around the corner...our RE appointment! Our insurance from DHs job is good through May 1st. Our appointment is April 16th. I had to reschedule it because of a stupid class I had to go to. But it's only 2 weeks later...and considering the other appointments weren't until June...I was happy with April!!! So that's coming up...and I can't wait. And I can't wait to pretty much say I'm done with the Ob/Gyn. No doubt if I get pregnant I will go back to her in a heartbeat. Seriously. She is awesome. She just does NOT have a real good idea of IF and how to handle it. So I will go the fertility specialist for my fertility and the Ob/Gyn for my pregnancy. Sounds pretty reasonable! haha

In random doxie had her puppies! She had four! 3 boys and 1 girl. My sister already picked hers out. She's naming him Brady. They came out in order of color. The first was black, the second (my sister's pick) was black with some brown. The third is the girl and she is light brown with some black. And the last one is light brown/tan. I LOVE THEM! I am NOT naming them...or else I will want to keep them! haha But Lilly is being such a great mommy! She did totally awesome! Sunday we left for church at 7:15pm and everything was fine. We got home at 9:15 and she was whining in the dog cage. We knew it! So we got everything together and placed her in the floor of our closet. At 11pm she had the first one. The second one at 11:40ish. The other 2 were at 4am and 5am. So two of them were born March 29th and the other two were born March 30th. They are now almost 2 days old and precious as can be! I'll add pics if I can find my stupid camera cord!

And is CD 33 and no AF. I am seriously...SERIOUSLY trying not to get my hopes up. The last day of my "fertile window" was CD 19. My luteal phase is 10-12 if you do the math...if I Oed on CD 19 and had my longest luteal phase...I should have started AF on CD 31. However...if I look at my cycle history, 33 days is the longest cycle I've had since I started I could possibly start AF tonight or tomorrow. And considering I didn't O on Clomid last cycle...I'm pretty sure it ain't happening!

So that's all for now! Nothing too exciting!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Getting My Mind Off Of Things

This break so far has been the best thing for me. I have finally opened up (slowly) to my mom about all of this. The two of us have had some crazy bad times and ups and downs in our relationship. She was a really young mom (18) and then made some so-so decisions that affected me greatly growing up. But since I've moved out, gone to college, gotten married...we've become better friends. She may not be the best mom, but she definitely is a great friend.

So Thursday, since my sister, me, and my mom are all on Spring Break (we're all in the school system!) we went out to lunch. We talked about EVERYTHING. Now granted, my sister knows everything about us TTC. She knows we've been off the pill for like a year and a half. My mom knows we've been "technically" TTC since I was diagnosed with PCOS in November. But regardless...I have told my mom about all of our appointments and have her firmly convinced that we're doing the right thing. She knows I'm not on the pill...and she knows nothing's happenin'. So it is so nice to discuss with her all of our Joel's SA results and his appointment and how they wont do any more treatments with me until he gets "fixed." It was nice to have someone agree with me when I said "I understand why they don't want to do the Clomid. But there are so many more tests like seeing if my tubes are blocked, checking for endometriosis, etc that they could be doing on me right now." In fact, I believe that this will be the exact conversation I will be having with the RE next week.

THAT'S RIGHT! Our RE appointment is NEXT WEEK! Well...not's NEXT Monday...not 2 days from now...but still. I'm excited! I am seriously going to say "Since we're on a break because of Joel's diagnosis right now...can we go ahead and do all the 'normal' tests on me now? And get them out of the way?" Because all we know right now is that I have PCOS. Who's to say I don't have endo? Or something wrong with my uterus? Or a blocked tube? Or something else? If I get all these things checked now....that saves us time by the time we're ready to start TTC actively again.

In other mom and I are having a yard sale tomorrow :) I'm getting rid of so many clothes it's not even funny. And junk. Oh man...even if I only make $20 bucks off this whole thing...I could care less. Now that I have all the "give away" and "keep" stuff organized....I can just get rid of it. My house looks like a train wreck right now. It looks like I've only made things worse. But I really have got a lot done.

Oh, something else. I finally got a call from my doctor's office about that referral to the pain specialist! Yeah...that was back in...November?! I seriously thought it had just gotten lost in the paper work. And guess when my appointment is?! JUNE 23!!!!! This guy must be good...especially if it takes 7 months just to get an initial appointment! The nurse said something about how he can't prescribe me meds, but he wants to do physical therapy. EEEEEEKKKK!!! Physical therapy for sciatica is what started this WHOLE MESS! I'm scared to death about going into physical therapy again. It has been months now since I've had what I can an "attack" with my back. And all I've had to save me was my oxy's. And my hydro's. LOL This should be interesting...

So I just wanted to give an update about how my break is going...and's FABULOUS! I have no idea if I Oed or not...I had like 10 days of fertile CM and we BDed about 3 times in But I officially have no more fertile CM so I'm guessing I'm about 9-10 days away from AF. Today is CD 22.

Monday, March 16, 2009

She Had the Baby...

Do you guys remember my really irritated post a long time ago about my pregnant host on the BZ Boards?? Well...she had her baby. And he's safe at home now. And I am so happy that she got that blessing.

But OH MY GOD. She is the first real case that I have had where I can say "I was trying as long as she was pregnant." OH MY GOD! I can't believe it. We both joined BZ at this time last year. I had been trying since October, she had been trying since February. Since we joined at the same time we got pretty close. Then she announced her pregnancy in July. And I was so jealous. I had been trying 5 months longer than her! It wasnt fair!

But little did I know that was just the beginning of my TTC journey. first, I couldn't be happy for anyone who got pregnant if I had been trying longer than them. It just didnt make sense. But the sad thing now is that I have just come to deal with it. I've realized it doesn't go in order like that (even if it should!). So especially when she became host...I was really peeved.

I thought "I would make a better host. She just went off the pill and got pregnant. No problem. I'M THE ONE that could tell everyone how it is...and they could look up to me because I'm struggling with IF." But then one day I realized...that's not what they were looking for in a host. Leslie made the perfect host because she was exactly what all the women on the board wanted to be. She was encouraging and sweet and helpful...and pregnant. If that's not perfect for a TTC board I don't know what is. She knew all about charting and how to get started...and that's usually all that women TTC needed. I realized that that was not the board you went to to hear about IF struggles and depressing stories. That's why I moved boards. As much as I hated to leave the friends I had made (and I obviously still checked on them) I needed to get more out of the boards than hatred. I was tired of logging in to a board where some newbie joined and wanted to know how they could "try everything" to make sure it happened as soon as possible. I needed a board with ladies going through the SAME THING as me. I realized that at one time, I was one of those girls who didnt know about IF and was just getting started. And once I kept trying and trying and trying I started to resent the girls that had just joined like they were stupid. But the truth is...I was them at one point. And even more importantly, I wouldnt WANT any of them to have to learn about B/W and U/S and S/A and IUI and IVF. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

So as depressing as it is to see her have her beautiful baby...I am NOT angry or upset. I am so happy for her. It is not my fault nor her fault that she is fertile. And it's not her fault that I'm IF. So Leslie, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy Kyle. He is truly a dream come true and I know you will cherish everyday with him :)


So today is my first day of Spring Break! I don't think I have ever deserved a break more than I do now! I have been working my butt off at my internship and going to school...I am TIRED! I woke up at 10 am today! woohoo! haha

So on another not so fun note, I am still fertile?! Um yea...I'm going on 10 days of fertile CM. Now I know DH and I are on a we are BDing only when we really want to. It's not a big deal. It's just irritating because I figured I would just go back to the same old, same old cycle. Not temping has been really really awesome. Seriously. To any of you out there who feel like you're getting nowhere with charting...stop. It has seriously helped my obsessive nature. I don't spend hours and hours staring at my chart in hopes that I'm sensing a pregnancy in there somewhere. I charted for 8 long months. Now I'm not saying it was all in vain. I took them all to my ObGyn and she knew I was serious. It helped me learn how long my cycles were, when I was usually fertile, and when to take my meds. But now...there's no need for it. I know all that now...and there's really no benefit I can get from charting anymore. Especially since we're on a break :) It's been really fabulous so far. And the funniest part is...since I'm not obsessing, I'm not saying ANYTHING to DH that is IF related at all! And I'm sure he loves it! We have kinda gotten back to that feeling of just enjoying being together. So if we BD, then we BD. If we dont, then we dont. I know secretly that since Im still paying attention to my CM that I want to BD or whatever...but I seriously just go with the flow. If he's not in the mood, or I'm not in the mood...then we just enjoy cuddling. And it's fantastic.

So basically...I am waiting it out until May to really do anything. DH and I have our first RE appointment at the end of this month. Oh yea we're still going. DH's next urologist appointment is not until May 15th or it's pretty much perfect timing. I'm sure that the first RE appointment will consist of going over my charts, my PCOS diagnosis, DH's SA, and my Clomid cycle. Then we will get a plan in place. We will have one and 1/2 cycles in between the RE appointment and the urologist appointment. So we will probably take those 2 cycles off and start first thing with our June cycle with the new plan with the RE. I feel really good about this.

In other news...I bought my cap and gown! It's really getting real now! Oh man I am so excited I can't stand it! I graduate on Wednesday, May 6th, at 3:30pm. It's like the weirdest day, I know, and the weirdest time...but still. I'm graduating! And it's been long I'm excited!

Wish me luck that I get a "surprise, I was on a break!" BFP :) hahaha

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Fertile Time Already?!

Well...if any of you have been keeping up with my FF chart (which is boring since I'm not temping) I have had fertile CM for the past few days now. There's not been much of it, but I recorded it anyway. Since I've been charting I've pretty much come to know when I'm fertile and not...and I really thought this wasn't fertile.

But then today there was a heck of a lot of it! And I've had cramps like CRAZY today. I have NEVER had cramps around ovulation...So that was weird. It actually HURT REALLY BAD today; so bad that I was doubled over in pain at the computer desk. So I don't know what thats about...

Now I come home and there's no more. So I hope DH is up to BDing tonight before work. I know he's been working a lot, but maybe I can work it out ;)

Good luck to anyone out there about to O! Bring on the 2ww!

Monday, March 9, 2009

Waiting Sucks.

So this blog is very similar to the thoughts of BMoM over at Journey of Faith-the path to motherhood. She said "Ok, so we all know, this TTC journey (and even the pregnancy journey) is ALL ABOUT WAITING...but I cant help but whine....Are we there yet????? Waiting, waiting, waiting!"

I TOTALLY AGREE. Waiting sucks big time. And I've been on a break for what...11 days?! But right now I'm waiting to O. I'm also waiting on DH to finally tell me we have enough money to buy those vitamins. And I'm waiting for our RE appointment at the end of the month (Oh, yea, we're still going!). And biggest of all...I'm waiting on my blessing.

"I can feel the presence of the Lord, and I'm gonna get my blessing right now. A blessing from the Lord is here." -The Presence of the Lord by Byron Cage. I love love love this song we sing at church.

The most powerful part says "Can't you see Him workin' on the outside? I can feel Him movin' on the inside! So come on and enter in, and cast your cares on Him...He'll open up a window and pour you out a blessing! 'Cause when the Lord steps in He brings everything you need-HEALING, POWER, and VICTORY-so it's all up to you, whatever you need Him to do! Just trust in Him, believe in Him, by faith you will receive!"

And if I'm not mistaken, BMoM has taken on the motto "I believe, I receive!"

And I think that is so appropriate in this trying time of our lives. TTC absorbs every second of our empty thoughts. We can't sit and think about chores we need to do, what shows on tonight, what we'd like to do this weekend...NO. We're consumed with TTC.

But since I've stopped temping I have had nothing to do with the day to day path of TTC. I'm just recording CM and waiting to see some fertile signs. I'm not taking medication besides I don't need to pay much attention to cycle days. I'm not sure if this is good or not. When I was temping I felt like I was on top of I had some control over this. But now I'm realizing that I really didn't...but temping just gave me something to obsess over EVERYDAY. So now I'm thinking I won't obsess. It will only consume my thoughts when I'm fertile or in the 2ww. So I guess that's good...I won't spend "as much" time on TTC. But I can't stop thinking about it because there's always the possibility.

But this is my mindset that I'm trying to create: I believe, I receive. I believe that one day I will have my own baby. I believe that God is just waiting to bless us with the perfect child. I believe that every cycle that goes by there is a reason why God said "now's not the time." It's hard, but I'm learning to accept it. I believe God's got a blessing with my name on it. Now it's just a matter of time before I receive it. And like's all in God's timing.

Thanks BMoM for such positive posts lately. I stealing your motto ;) haha

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Miss My Husband!

I am so thankful that my husband is back to work. Thank God that we no longer need to worry about our finances! And by the end of this week I believe we will be caught up on every bill. Thank the Lord.

But on another note...I miss my hubby!!! Joel has worked nights from the second we got engaged, so it's nothing new. But he had 6 weeks of being home all the time and sleeping with me, and being home when I got home, and spending quality time with me in the evening...and now I'm sitting here by myself! And I'm sleeping by myself! And I miss him!

Since he went back to work, things went completely opposite of what they were. He went from having no job to working tons and tons of overtime. And by tons and tons I'm talking he worked 40 hours plus 4 hours overtime and then 24 hours overtime that weekend. That totals to 68 hours last week. And this week is worse. He worked only 8 hours Sunday night, but Monday, Tuesday, and tonight he's gone in 4 hours early. Which means 12 hour nights. And he's pretty sure that tomorrow he's gonna have to work 12 hours and he will most likely work the weekend.

WOW. So needless to say...I went from having home ALL THE TIME to NEVER AT ALL! :(

I miss him lots and lots.

So in other news....I had my first observation today for my internship! It went great! She asked me to interpret only 30 min of the class so the last 30 min we could talk about it. So I interpreted science class. All about the parts of a flower! It went pretty good if I do say so myself! All day my mentor interpreter told me to make sure to remember to take off my watch and my ring before signing. Well...all day I kept thinking about it but thought "I'm not gonna take it off yet..." And then what do you know...I forgot! So I signed the whole thing with my watch on. LOL But my teacher didn't say I'm not too worried about taking it off anymore.

She said my fingerspelling was very clear and that seemed very comfortable with the situation and stuff. She said I did good with my classifiers for the "venus fly trap" and set up the flower really well. She corrected my sign for leaf (I was signing something close to flag) and my sign for alcohol (I was signing something close to cigarette). I know you're probably wondering "Why would she be talking about alcohol in a 7th grade science class lesson on plants?" Good question....the teacher used the analogy that the stem is similar to the umbilical cord for babies because it sends nutrients through the plant. Then for some reason a student asked about fetal alcohol syndrome...WOW. And that is how this class is...very unruly and the kids speak out a lot. This can be really difficult because all this time your Deaf students are trying to pay attention and then you have to sign something stupid that some other student is saying. Then I have to back track back to the's just confusing! lol So anywho...all in all...I passed! And I feel very good about where I am right now. It's only midterm, so I think I'm ahead of the game! woohoo!

On the TTC front...nothing to report. I have to's actually been nice to NOT take my temp! We're doing a way more "laid back" approach. I think we will keep the RE appointment at the end of the month. But as far as Joel's u/s and vitamins....well, we'll get to it when we get to it. With his work schedule now, it will be hard to get the u/s done. And really getting the vitamins is just a matter of me remembering exactly what I need to get next time I go to the store. I also have to make sure that we have enough extra money to get it. So hopefully I'll get it soon. I think we'll have a more "get and go" attitude about all this TTC stuff when I graduate...which is in TWO MONTHS! :)