Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Dont Post Enough. I Have BIG News.

OMG Girls I must must must get the internet turned on at my house already! I am going to need your support now more than ever.





Yup. You didnt read that wrong. I'm pregnant. About 7 weeks. NOT PLANNED AT ALL! I was on the mini pill so I could breastfeed. I took that darn pill every day didnt miss a single one at the exact same time everyday too! I took a test last night at midnight. It came up positive so fast. I cried. and cried. and cried.

My last period was January 18th. I didnt have a period at all in February but I didnt think anything of it because I had just had a baby and I knew my cycle needed to readjust itself. Then I started the new pack this month and was starting the 2nd week and Joel told me he thought I was pregnant. I said that was NOT funny! Its totally normal to skip a period right after having a baby. (right?!) I didnt feel pregnant at all. I was on the pill.

Then we all got the stomach bug going around. You know the puking and diarrhea and whatnot. It was awful. Then Joel gets better...and I dont. Guess who comes home with a pregnancy test? Yup. I said sure I'll take it (I KNEW I wasnt pregnant). Then I started freaking out at the what ifs.

Joel and I had talked about having more kids. IN 3 YEARS. I would stay on the pill til then. If he was the only child we ever had, we would be fine. If we got pregnant again, great, but again...hes enough. So the what ifs of "OMG I would have 2 babies under the age of 1" and "OMG I would have 2 in diapers" and "OMG last Thanksgiving I had no children and this Thanksgiving I would have 2!" and "OMG I would have to stay home forever!" and "OMG I wanted Eli to be the baby for a long time!" and "OMG I dont want to be sick while taking care of a baby" and "OMG OMG O.....M.....G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So then I didnt want to take the test. But Joel told me just to take it so that way we know either way. So I took it. I knew it was going to be negative. And it wasnt. The pregnancy line came up before the control line. I just sat there. I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Then I started saying "no no no no no no no no." When Joel finally realized it was really positive...I started crying. Not just crying, BAWLING. I'm really not sure why. I think its just that I really wanted to enjoy just Eli by himself for a long while. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and I got that and now I have my beautiful baby boy and life is just perfect. I was NOT ready for this. NOT ready at ALL.

I cried all night long. I wasnt ready to be pregnant again. I called my mom and just cried and cried. She told me it would be ok and we know it wasnt in our plan, but GODS plan.

Yes. Gods plan. Sometimes I wish he would let me know what hes thinking. Maybe I could reason with him. I mean not only was I not TRYING to get pregnant again, I was PREVENTING with birth control. I wasnt ready. But God had other plans. I had a friend tell me "Well you know how long it took you to get pregnant with Eli. You never know what other complications you could have down the road. Maybe this is Gods way of giving you the blessing of having more than one child now when you may not be able to later."

I am truly overwhelmed. I never wanted to be "that" woman. I'm gonna be the girl that gets the "fertile myrtle" jokes. Thats not fair. The struggle I went through to get my precious Eli is going to be overlooked by the sudden pregnancy of this unexpected little one.

I want to say I'm happy because every pregnancy is a blessing. Every baby is a blessing. I am just not prepared for the sickness and taking care of Eli. Or having another baby a month before Eli's first birthday. Hes not going to have a single birthday to himself. Hes not going to know what its like to be my first born.

Ok I'm crying again. I dont want to say I'm upset that I'm pregnant again. I will take as many children as the Lord will bless me with. I just wish he didnt think I was strong enough to take on 2 children 11 months apart.

And now I'm already struggling with the problem all moms face with another pregnancy "How can I love another baby as much as I already love my baby now?" I know I will love this baby. I'm just not super exstatic about this pregnancy just yet. I wanted to know what it was like to tell Eli that mommy was having a baby and explain to him that there's a baby in mommy's tummy. I wanted to have the cute pictures of him talking to his baby brother or baby sister in my belly. Hes barely going to be able to talk at all by the time this baby is here!

I'm also afraid that I wont pay as much attention to Eli once the new baby is here. And he will still be young and he deserves that attention. I dont want to get frustrated with him because I'm having to take care of a newborn at the same time. I dont want to not play with him because I'm busy with the other baby.

This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT what I had planned at all. If anyone has any prayers out there to spare...send them my way.