Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I Dont Post Enough. I Have BIG News.

OMG Girls I must must must get the internet turned on at my house already! I am going to need your support now more than ever.





Yup. You didnt read that wrong. I'm pregnant. About 7 weeks. NOT PLANNED AT ALL! I was on the mini pill so I could breastfeed. I took that darn pill every day didnt miss a single one at the exact same time everyday too! I took a test last night at midnight. It came up positive so fast. I cried. and cried. and cried.

My last period was January 18th. I didnt have a period at all in February but I didnt think anything of it because I had just had a baby and I knew my cycle needed to readjust itself. Then I started the new pack this month and was starting the 2nd week and Joel told me he thought I was pregnant. I said that was NOT funny! Its totally normal to skip a period right after having a baby. (right?!) I didnt feel pregnant at all. I was on the pill.

Then we all got the stomach bug going around. You know the puking and diarrhea and whatnot. It was awful. Then Joel gets better...and I dont. Guess who comes home with a pregnancy test? Yup. I said sure I'll take it (I KNEW I wasnt pregnant). Then I started freaking out at the what ifs.

Joel and I had talked about having more kids. IN 3 YEARS. I would stay on the pill til then. If he was the only child we ever had, we would be fine. If we got pregnant again, great, but again...hes enough. So the what ifs of "OMG I would have 2 babies under the age of 1" and "OMG I would have 2 in diapers" and "OMG last Thanksgiving I had no children and this Thanksgiving I would have 2!" and "OMG I would have to stay home forever!" and "OMG I wanted Eli to be the baby for a long time!" and "OMG I dont want to be sick while taking care of a baby" and "OMG OMG O.....M.....G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So then I didnt want to take the test. But Joel told me just to take it so that way we know either way. So I took it. I knew it was going to be negative. And it wasnt. The pregnancy line came up before the control line. I just sat there. I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Then I started saying "no no no no no no no no." When Joel finally realized it was really positive...I started crying. Not just crying, BAWLING. I'm really not sure why. I think its just that I really wanted to enjoy just Eli by himself for a long while. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and I got that and now I have my beautiful baby boy and life is just perfect. I was NOT ready for this. NOT ready at ALL.

I cried all night long. I wasnt ready to be pregnant again. I called my mom and just cried and cried. She told me it would be ok and we know it wasnt in our plan, but GODS plan.

Yes. Gods plan. Sometimes I wish he would let me know what hes thinking. Maybe I could reason with him. I mean not only was I not TRYING to get pregnant again, I was PREVENTING with birth control. I wasnt ready. But God had other plans. I had a friend tell me "Well you know how long it took you to get pregnant with Eli. You never know what other complications you could have down the road. Maybe this is Gods way of giving you the blessing of having more than one child now when you may not be able to later."

I am truly overwhelmed. I never wanted to be "that" woman. I'm gonna be the girl that gets the "fertile myrtle" jokes. Thats not fair. The struggle I went through to get my precious Eli is going to be overlooked by the sudden pregnancy of this unexpected little one.

I want to say I'm happy because every pregnancy is a blessing. Every baby is a blessing. I am just not prepared for the sickness and taking care of Eli. Or having another baby a month before Eli's first birthday. Hes not going to have a single birthday to himself. Hes not going to know what its like to be my first born.

Ok I'm crying again. I dont want to say I'm upset that I'm pregnant again. I will take as many children as the Lord will bless me with. I just wish he didnt think I was strong enough to take on 2 children 11 months apart.

And now I'm already struggling with the problem all moms face with another pregnancy "How can I love another baby as much as I already love my baby now?" I know I will love this baby. I'm just not super exstatic about this pregnancy just yet. I wanted to know what it was like to tell Eli that mommy was having a baby and explain to him that there's a baby in mommy's tummy. I wanted to have the cute pictures of him talking to his baby brother or baby sister in my belly. Hes barely going to be able to talk at all by the time this baby is here!

I'm also afraid that I wont pay as much attention to Eli once the new baby is here. And he will still be young and he deserves that attention. I dont want to get frustrated with him because I'm having to take care of a newborn at the same time. I dont want to not play with him because I'm busy with the other baby.

This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT what I had planned at all. If anyone has any prayers out there to spare...send them my way.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Breastfeeding Woes and Staying Home

First off let me start with...WOW I LOVE MY SON!

I honestly never thought motherhood could be this great...and even then, I wanted to be a mom. Now, I cant even explain in words how much I love being a mom. Everything little thing is amazing. Every little thing is worth it.

Every single diaper change, bath, nap, book reading, talking, is all perfect and amazing.

Here is my one, single, tiny, yet seriously huge.....problem. Breastfeeding.

I wanted to breast feed so bad. Seriously. I went to classes, read books, talked to other successful BF mothers, talked to lactation consultants, bought a pump, bought nursing bras and tank tops. I did it all...I was super prepared for sleepless nights and sore nipples.

But somewhere along the lines it became difficult. But not on my part...not even on my son's was the drs part. Here's where it started....they had me start supplementing when he was 2 days old. They had me continue supplementing until his drs appt at 2 weeks. This is where it fell apart.

I started taking Fenugreek. I kept a 2 liter bottle of water with me at all times. I made sure I ate enough calories. And most importantly...I PUT HIM TO THE BREAST EVERY TIME.

What I hate is the fact that I heard the same thing from everyone...women who breastfed, the lactation consultant with his pedi, the lactation consultant with the health dept, etc. They all said "Put him to the breast." Always offer the breast first. Let him eat, then supplement. You know what started happening? He would latch on, eat a minute, unlatch, cry, latch, unlatch, cry, latch, unlatch, cry...until 30 minutes later and I would give him the supplement. He got nothing from my breast. He was smart enough to know that if he waited long enough he would get the bottle. *SIGH*

When he was about 3-4 weeks old I got a call from a friend of mine from BZ. She had just given birth to her daughter (we're on the same due date club) and she had been exclusively breastfeeding since she was 45 minutes old. I was so jealous. She told me about a supplement she used with her first child called More Milk Plus. I havent taken it...only because I am already taking Fenugreek and it's the main ingredient. She suggested that I give it 2 days. I was leaking and able to express milk with my hand. We knew that my supply was there. 2 days of nothing but breast.

I did it. It didnt work. My son was on my chest literally all day except for diaper changes. No joke. He was never satisfied. He slept for maybe 30 minutes at a time. It was awful. We went back to the bottle.

So where did the problem start? Maybe the fact that I didnt get to breast feed him until he was a few hours old? They rushed him off after I had him to check him and didnt bring him back until he was about 4 hours old. Is it because we didnt have a good latch and the LC with the hospital didnt notice? He would breastfeed for an hour non stop while in the hospital. Was it the bottle? DH and I decided to the bottle once we got home because it took waaaay to long to hook my boob up to the little tube with formula just to breast feed him when it didnt work anyway.

So here are my questions: Did I give up too easily? Is it too late to try again?

Here are my concerns:

#1: I have never gotten more than 1/2 an ounce when I have pumped. This makes me think I have milk, but not enough.

#2: I have never experienced engorgement. NEVER.

#3: I cannot hand express any milk after he has been latched on for just a few minutes.

#4: He only stays on the breast for up to 15 minutes and the very occasional 30 minutes. Usually around 5-10 minutes, though. Then he unlatches and cries and tries to latch back on with a big wide mouth and a bopping head. When he does get latched back on, he's only on for another second and back off again.

#5: Even if it seems he was eating well, when he unlatches he cries and roots around like he is still hungry. If I offer the breast again, we repeat #4.

#6: After what I think was a good breastfeeding, he happily takes 2-4oz of formula. And I'm not talking just takes it...I'm talking no spit up, no falling asleep while eating...he was hungry, and he ate!

Here are my reasons for hope that I might be able to start again:

#1: I leak. Not a lot, but I do.

#2: He still roots towards my chest (or anyone's for that matter) when he is hungry. Obviously he knows he can still get SOME from me.

#3: He still has a good latch. I have never had sore nipples from a shallow latch. No cracking or anything! And I can see him swallowing.

#4: Maybe the most important point...I still want to breastfeed. He needs that comfort...and so do I.

If anyone has any suggestions, besides the one that annoys me :) please offer any advice. I feel so guilty for giving up, but I just didnt know what to do.

Now for the better update...we are doing sooooo well! I LOVE staying home with him! We read books together and I swear he keeps his mouth open the entire time I'm reading like he wants to talk to me! He smiled at me for the first time the other day while we were reading The Little Engine that Could. He was so cute that I was laughing outloud while trying to read!

He loves his swing...he was little bear mobile on it that he likes to look at while swinging. He only likes the swing on the highest setting. I think it helps with gas and it rocks him to sleep.

We also had to hang up some 0-3 month size clothing last week. He was around 5 weeks when we pulled it out. It was mainly the full body outfits that he needed bigger because he's so long! He still cant even fit in most of his newborn size pants...they're still too big!

*And right here is where we took a break to try to breast feed because my sleeping baby became a hungry baby. Unfortunately, he would not latch on the left breast at all...and he latched on to the right breast for like 30 seconds. My mom's feeding him right now :(

So theres a little update from us! I absolutely love being at home with him and I'm already crying just thinking about how much he has grown! We got pics taken on the 31st as a family and did some newborn pics. I'll have to post some soon!

CONGRATULATIONS to Brooke on the arrival of Colton! Just in time for Christmas! I'm a little envious of those of you who had your little ones early! Eli was nice and comfy in my belly for a long time!