Alright...my DH got his SA on 1-22. So where are the results?! Is it so bad they don't want to tell us? Is it so good that they don't feel they need to tell us?! I'm going nuts here...
So, tonight is my last dose of Clomid. So far, no real side effects. I've been pretty hot at night, but DH and I have both been really sick, so that may be why. I so so so hope this is it. I had the ever so lovely opportunity to go to lunch with my DH and BIL on Saturday. Oh, yea, him again! He's just such a lovely person. I'm not even going to go into details this time about all the hurtful things he said. DH and I just shook our heads. "He just doesn't get it!" were DH's words exactly. And I totally agree. He really just doesn't. His sarcasm makes me want to puke. And if DH and I even remotely stick up for ourselves or actually try to say something to get him to stop, he seriously doesn't get it. I mean, seriously! He is that out of it.
So today I've been thinking about my MIL. How she takes care of my nephew 24/7. How she will end up taking care of their new baby as well. What about my baby?? Will she ever babysit my baby?? She has her FIRST grandchild from my BIL and SIL. Fine. They're older than DH and all...yay. Now if my SIL has a girl this time, won't that be it? She'll have it all. She'll have her grandson and her granddaughter. And DH and I will be the "Oh, they haven't had kids yet..." *sigh*
So, DH had an interview today. I'm happy for him. I think he'll get it. Down side: no health insurance. aaahhhhh. We have coverage until the end of February through his last employer. After that, that's it. We're done. No DAs, no Clomid, no nothing. Everything will be put on hold. Why me?! Ugh I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it's just a side effect of Clomid? I dunno...
For some reason today is a very BAD DAY. And you think it would be good...it's a snow day :) School got let out at 12:30 today so I just got to come home. I've been on the computer since I got home. It's just a bad day. All the realizations of "this really is happening...I'm not getting pregnant" and the "it may never happen" and the "you're gonna have to wait because you need assistance because you're not worthy of pregnancy on your own." are all coming.
I'm finished with the "maybe"s. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that...NO. I DESERVE A BABY. And the sad fact is, this is just simply NOT FAIR. And there's nothing I can do about it. I've had enough. My optimism has officially worn off. So many times I get compliments from other ladies of how "optimistic" I am on this journey. Well, I'm sorry. I can't be that person anymore. I'm tired. I just can't. Women have tried, gotten pregnant, and delivered within the time frame that I have been TRYING. So I'm done....I give up. I have no more strength. And no more insurance. So if this round of Clomid doesn't work...oh well.
God, I'm putting it all in Your hands. All of my burdens...problems...all of my questions...I put it all in Your hands.
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3 comments:
Hey sweeite. I know its tough. Trust me, I KNOW. And I also agree, it's in God's hands. but I do know that we cannot just sit there and say "God, its in your hands" and expect him to do all the work. We also have to actively pursue our goals. God gave us the means to achieve our goals - whether they be through prayer, research, whatever. Now, I dont know the answer to your situation, and what you need to do, but I do believe, deep in my heart, that you cannot give up in order to allow God to work his miracle. You have to keep going. So, dont let the devil get you down....keep going...keep trying. It will happen.
I wanna kicc BIL azz.... gimme his address... oh honey!! you're going to be a mommy soon, believe that! I'm surprised you didn't get the result yet from the S/A, they take like a week and it's almost been 2 weeks.
You are having one of those days. I can totally understand that. I would say you need to call your dr and get those sa results. My dhs results were back in 3 days. I think its prob a good sign that they are being so lazy but still not fair. I will pray that dh gets that job. That will help your stress level so much im sure. I also wanted you to know I was praying for you this morning and I know that God is going to make us both Moms very soon.
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