Monday, February 9, 2009


So all this stuff is really starting to sink in. I believe that I really am in the depression stage. The sad fact that I will not be a mother any time soon is really hurting me.

Saturday DH and I headed out to get a gate for the top of our stairs. Yes, a baby they call them. Mine, however, is for my dogs. Why do they not sell these at pet stores or Wal-mart? Well, they do...just not the size I needed. Trust me, I looked everywhere before I finally admitted we needed to take the trip to THAT store.

I have not been in Babies-R-Us since I bought the huge gate for my basement bedroom when I was 18. It was also for my dogs. Back then, of course, I didn't mind waltzing into a store like this because it wasn't my time for a baby. But sadly, I had to go Saturday. We really needed that gate.

So we walk in. Immediately we are greeted by a big ole' baby toosh. Yup, a tooshie. Right there in my face. And the little leg rolls too. And I know you're wondering...what?! Let me was a big poster in the back of the store that said "Babies-R-Us" On the left side was a cute little baby face and on the right side was smooth little baby butt. My husband could not stop laughing. It was a great distraction. We spent the whole time walking through the store talking about how odd that was and how funny it was. Great distraction. But not too great. I still saw a pregnant woman walking around and registering. And I saw TONS OF BABIES. Of course...I mean DUH! But it sucked. We got what we needed and I practically ran out of there. I told DH I should have brought my nephew with me so I would have fit in. Out of all the people in there...we were buying a gate for our dogs. In line with a bunch of couples with cute clothes and cribs...and we were buying something for our dogs.

Ok...moving on. Sunday we went out to eat for my uncle's birthday. My BIL (yes, THAT BIL) and SIL and nephew and my mom and little brother and sister and my aunt and uncle and cousin and my papaw and nana. Ok. So everyone there has kids. My nephew and my little sister sat next to each other in high chairs. It was the cutest thing EVER. Now I'm not sure if I've said this before, but my mom went through IF too. For 15 years. We're all adopted. Me, my little 7 year old brother, and my 10 month old sister. My mom has never had a baby before. I was 17 when she got me, my brother was 5, and my sister was 8 months. So my sister is the first baby my mom has ever had. And oh my God if anyone ever deserved to be a mother it is my mother. She is the best. Hands down. So while we were laughing at the babies making faces at each other and stealing each other's food I say "Oh my gosh! They're so so cute! I want one!" and my BIL pops up and says "You're only 21! Calm down!"

Alright...that's it. No more sarcastic way of blowing you off yet again. You've got it coming...and BAM. I let him have it. All this crap he throws around to me ALL THE TIME and I just couldn't take it. I said "Matthew, my AGE is NOT the ISSUE here! The fact that I can't get PREGNANT is the PROBLEM!" And you know what? That's all I said. Right there in front of my family...I said it. He responded with "Well, I know that, but I'm just saying you're still young! You have time!" But oh man...he saw how upset that made me. My mom was sitting right next to me and she leaned over and said "I know, I know." Gosh I love her. Then when my BIL got up to get food I leaned over to my mom and I said "I honestly don't know how you did this. I don't want to go through another 14 years of what I've gone through this year. And I know I have time, but I don't want to have to wait." She said "I know. And it's hard. And it's going to be hard. The hardest for me was the first 3 years. That was when I had to see everyone that got married around the same time as me get pregnant and have babies and people younger than me, people who hadn't been married as long as me, and people that didn't want to be pregnant. I couldn't go to baby showers, I cried at baby dedications. It was hard. But after those years I just started praying. And honestly prayer is the only thing that got me through. And since John (my dad) wasn't willing to go through doctors, I just had to pray that God would open some doors." I wanted to bust out in tears. I wanted to say "Mom! I'm going through that now! Help me!" But the thing is, she knows. I may not ever sit down with her formally and talk about it all at once, but when I get test results, I let her know in passing. Or in little conversations like this. She knows. But oh, it still hurts. I told her "Mom, I'm in the angry stage right now." And I motioned to my BIL. She just shook her head. She's been through all those comments. But it's still hard!!!

That's enough depressing stuff for right now. DH has his urologist appointment on Wednesday. I'm really eager to go and find out what the next step is.

Oh, and my SIL found out she is having another boy. She was so upset, she wanted a girl so bad. But I don't care, I'm getting another nephew! And I love my nephew so much right now and I can't wait to meet my new one! They're naming him Kaidyn Matthew. Or Kaydin Matthew. I can't remember how they're spelling it. But anywho...They will have 2 boys : Korben Thomas and Kaydin Matthew. So so so cute. I love being an aunt.


Brooke said...

I am glad you told that boy off. He sounds like he is just so inconsiderate to others problems. Its so crazy how people treat IF. Its like you have done it to yourself. Or you are rediculous for wanting it. Your age isnt the issue at all! I was 22 when we started trying. I will be 24 in May and I cant believe its taking htis long. We have been married for 5 years in June so its not like we jumped the gun with this either. It just never ceases to amaze me how people presume to tell you how and when you should have a baby. I am so sorry you are going through this and I will keep praying for dh and his urologist appt. I am trying so hard not to push my dh to go to the urologist. You know we had that bad sa back in october and he has been on vitamins since. We are giving it the full three months and if this cycle is a no go then I will have my dr order another sa before we see the urologist just to see if there has been an improvment. I just know he wont go unless its the last resort. love ya.