Tuesday, February 3, 2009

This is It.

Ladies, I appreciate all your kind words after my lame day yesterday. But today has not gotten any better. It's gotten worse. A lot worse.

So here it all comes....

Today is another snow day :) So I slept all day and watched TV with DH. Good news: DH just got called in for a drug test for a temporary position available. Bad news: It pays half of what he was making and there is no employee health benefits. :(

Good news: I finally made an appointment with an RE. In fact, the same RE that did DH's SA. I finally realized I was finished with this nonsense with the ObGyn and was ready to get a move on. I've only got 4 months before I graduate and I wanted to be pregnant by then. I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not even that interested in getting me pregnant. Also, she will be better qualified to tell us what we need to do and where we need to go from here. Bad news: My appointment isn't until March 30th.

Good news: I've been researching individual insurance plans for us to pay monthly when DHs insurance runs out at the end of the month. I've found some pretty reasonable plans. Bad news: It would just be yet another bill we would struggle to pay every month. And it could be that we can't afford it and that we just go without insurance. Which would mean no doctor's visits, no fertility treatments: NOTHING.

Good news: I finally got DHs SA results. Bad news: It was BAD. Very bad. So bad that my doctor actually called me personally to tell me. She actually came out and said "Your husband is the reason you are not getting pregnant. So the Clomid is probably pointless." She was somewhat sympathetic. She told me that there was actually a note on the test results that said "IVF is the best option. Artificial insemination won't work."

So here's the results she gave me:

Volume: 2.8mL, should be 2-6 mL
Concentration: 5 x 10 to the 6th mL, should be greater than 20 x 10 to the 6th
Motility: 20%, should be greater than 50%
Total Motility: 2 x 10 to the 6th, should be 40 x 10 to the 6th
Progression index: plus ½, should be 2-4

I am devastated. I can't even put in to words how I feel. All this time I kept thinking "There is something we can do, there is something we can do." I figured we would take a course like Clomid, then IUIs, then IUIs with injectables, etc and move on from there. But now I've been told that IVF is my only option. What a slap in the face. We're not ready to get there. I wasn't ready for that step. I mean, sure, as we go step by step it costs more and more. But this is a giant leap. Clomid to IVF. $20 co pay to $20,000 procedure.

This is it. This is end of my journey. I hate that this is how it ended. I had hope that Clomid would be my magic pill. But instead my journey ends with this. IVF is your option. In other words, you can't have kids unless you're rich. And we're not. The sad truth is that my baby journey ends with this news. It may be picked up here in a year or two, but not now. This is's over. And I failed. My journey was suppose to end with a baby, but it didn't. Maybe in a few years I can pick up where I left off.


Anonymous said...

Emmy, I went through something similar last October, if you back track on my blog. I have undiagnosed IF, so it's not my husband that is the problem although. There are ways to afford IVF, so don't think it is out of your reach. I am not sure where you live, but right now I know of two places doing clinical trials that also accept out of state patients. You can also do a grant. My IVF is costing $2,000 for meds and $6,000 for procedure = $8,000 total. I know that is still a lot, but it is more manageable. I know it isn't what you wanted to hear, but now that you know where you're headed you can make the right steps.

kate said...

What sad news. I am so sorry.

I would recommend doing a little research to determine if there are ways your husband can improve his numbers. I mean, he has sperm, so it's not like a total blockage or complete azoospermia. I know that some people have had some success in the past in improving count/quality with various supplements or even hormone therapy. Maybe google it and see if there's any hope there? And I don't know anything about your husband's lifestyle, but studies have shown that diet, lifestyle choices (alcohol or tobacco, etc.), exercise, etc. all affect sperm quality, so maybe think about some of those things, too (if those are things that your husband deals with).

You also might check out my friend, Babychaser's, blog. She has been through multiple IVF procedures and has finally found that her issues are largely male factor and her husband is undergoing some sort of hormone therapy to attempt to resolve those issues. She might know more about this kind of thing than I do. Her blog address is:

It might take a while, but I firmly believe that you have not failed, and that your journey isn't over yet. You are right that it might take a while, but when dealing with infertility, you have to develop a patience that those Fertile Myrtles don't have to bother with. I like to think of it as a gift, but I know that right now, in the face of what seems like insurmountable financial barriers, it is hard to see it that way. For now, I just hope you can find a little peace as you begin to deal with these issues. I wish you ultimate success- just keep believing that it will happen for you, even if it takes longer than you want.

Nicole said...

Emmy, I've never commented here before but I've been reading your blog for a couple months. (I found you through BZ).

First I wanted to offer my condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel. We have male factor infertility as well. my husband's SA didn't look so good either.

Secondly, I wanted to let you know that there are options other than IVF to get a baby. The question is: Is your goal to be a mother or to be pregnant? When we were in your shoes we felt STRONGLY that IVF was not for us. We don't have that kind of money for a chance of a pregnancy. We turned to adoption. IT WAS THE SINGLE BEST DECISION WE EVER MADE. A year later we had a baby boy. He is beautiful and perfect and a gift from God. I know there is a lot of stigma attached to adoption, but most of it is based on incorrect or outdated information. Adoption is a miracle.

Adoption can be expensive, but it doesn't have to be. For example, adopting from the foster system is basically free. In fact, in many situations the state will pay you to adopt a foster child. We adopted through an agency run by our church which was financially resonable. It can also be very affordable to adopt if you know of someone with an unwanted pregnancy. If you can 'find' your own baby you can hire a lawyer to take care of the details.

Four years after walking away from all the pain and heartbreak of infertility I discovered I was pregnant. I now have two little boys, one who looks like me and one who acts like me. They are both MINE in every sense. There is no difference in the love I feel for them. One just had to take a detour before he found his way to me, his REAL mother.

I am sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear today. I know you are still grieving. I just felt the need to give you some hope. You can be a mother. When God closes a door he always opens a window.

B MoM said...

Hi Emmy. I'm sooo soo sorry that things seem to be getting worse for you. Unfortunately, i dont have any wise words like the last two commentors of suggestions for action that you could take now. I only have supportive "ass-vice". Try to look at this as simply another hurdle in your journey towards motherhood. this is NOT the final answer, and you do NOT have to quit now. continue to work towards being a mom, even if it is only in small steps (such as creating a savings account for the IVF procedure etc., or doing research to see how you can increase DH's spermies). Antyhing that you can do now to achieve motherhood, do it. It'll help and it'll get you one step close to YOUR end result, a baby. I also encourage you to pray and turn to God. He does work miracles. Pls. dont give up. *hugs*

Liv said...

Aw Emmy, I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry. My insurance provider has a part of the website where it lists clinical trials. I spent the last hour of my day at work trying to find something in TN that would be appropriate, but I didn't find anything. I signed up for the RSS feeds, so I will definitely let you know if I see something.

I pray your hubby is able to land a job with medical benefits including IVF. I don't work in a state with mandated coverage, but my DH and I both work for the same company that is based our of a state that is. Yesterday there were 1700 layoffs and we both are safe, but man is that scary.

Sending <3 from TX-

Tori M. said...

Emily I am so sorry to hear this. I will keep praying for you no matter what. God *does* work miracles and I firmly believe you are due yours. Big hugs!

Brooke said...

Oh no. That cant be it. Dont give up girl. One SA means nothing. Get the boy on vitamins and find out if the urologist will try to find out why his sa was bad. Does he need to go on clomid? Does he have varicole? You dont have to throw in the towel yet my friend. I know its so hard. When the dr called me with the results for my dh sa. She told me that he would need to see a urologist also but I have had him on the vitamin c and he will be redoing his sa soon. She told me that often one SA doesent mean the end. ((HUGS))