Emotionally and Financially Struggling

WE ARE READY FOR A BABY.

I spent all Christmas listening to my BIL and SIL talking about their "oops baby" and how disgustingly fertile they are.

It was AMAZINGLY AWESOME to get away with DH for vacation. We had a wonderful time at Disney World and the beach. It was exactly what we needed.

Friday night we spent time with DH's family that lives in Florida. His cousin and his wife have been married for 13 years and never used any form of BC. They never went to the doctor, never tried anything. And they just had a beautiful baby girl on August 4th. She was so precious. DH and I actually slowly opened the door to ask them about their IF. They were eager to discuss it.

They are very religious people. The same denomination as us. They left it in God's hands. And even though we are not strong enough to do the same (as in not going to the doctor) they were so helpful and supportive. It was so nice to open up to someone else who understood. We were able to tell them the stupid "sperm donor" and "surrogate" comments we got from BIL and SIL. DH's cousin said "There is just no reason to say that. There is no excuse for being that insensitive." And I just cried. Someone understood! And even though DH and I have decided to go the medical route to conceiving, they gave us so much hope to still trust in God. DH and I believe God has given doctor's medical treatments for a reason. We have our own personal views and I am not trying to start a debate or fight anyone else's beliefs, but we are so happy with our decisions.

We are going forward. We are not putting off doctor's appointments or anything. We are just going to go for it. There is no sense in waiting. We're going to try our best to be smart financially, but we are moving forward. DH and I had a great vacation. We had a great time together and wonderful talks. And for once I really feel like DH and I are on the same page. We are finally doing something together and working toward the exact same thing. :)

WE ARE READY FOR OUR BABY.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

I got a freakin' BFN this morning...I was either 15dpo or 13dpo...and STILL NO AF!

OMG were my hopes high! Even after seeing the negative I still thought...oh man I am just NOT myself...it MUST be too early.

Then we had DH's family over for Christmas. Ahhh. It's so nice to have a BIL who LOVES to talk about how fertile him and his wife are and how they NEVER have had ANY problems getting pregnant! Especially considering the one she's pregnant with now was NOT planned!

Then the jokes start...that my husband must be shooting blanks...that we must not be doing it right...and the inevitable "just relax." Ohhh. NICE. 'PRECIATE IT. You little *beeping* *beep* *beep* *BEEP*!!!!!

My poor sweet mother in law...she bought my SIL a maternity shirt. VERY cute. She just wants grandbabies. She has my nephew...and another one on the way. But not from me and DH. She said "Miss Emmyline, am I going to have 3 grandbabies to buy for next Christmas?" After DH announcing to everyone that I was sick at my grandmother's last night. Oh...and he announced to everyone that I was 4 days late. Greeeaaat. Thanks for that. So then of course EVERYONE starts picking on me for being pregnant.

Until I just come out and say "I TESTED! It was NEGATIVE! GET OVER IT!" And...my SIL and BIL respond with "Oh that doesn't mean anything...you should wait a week and test again."

And then dinner ends...and I had to pee...and lo and behold, I started. I cried. And I sat there. And I cried some more. And then I painted my face back on and went back to the group. I text DH with a simple note "I started." I didn't say anything to anyone about it. But I was SO SURE THIS WAS IT. My temperature stayed up. No cramps. New meds. But a BFN.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

Tagged! Random Facts!

I got tagged! Well, not really, but BMoM was tagged and said anyone that wanted to participate could...so I'm doing it!

The rules of the tag are as follows: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you. 3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts about me:

1) I have 4 sets of parents....my biological parents, my step-parents, my foster parents, and my in laws...and we visit ALL OF THEM every holiday :) I also have 2 brothers and 2 sisters...my 13 year old half sister (same mom) Abby, my 2 month old half brother (same dad) Benjamin, and my foster siblings, 6 year old Jeremiah and 9 month old Breanna.

2) I have had a significant life changing event happen to me every year since I was 17...at 17 I started dating DH and lost my grandmother (practically my mother), then I turned 18 and started college, got engaged at 19, married at 20, became a foster mom at 21, and I'm hoping to be a real mom by 22...try to keep the list going :) lol

3) My favorite alcoholic drink is a Medori Margarita on the rocks. I tried it for the first time when I was 19 at the Japanese Steak House in Disney World the night we got engaged. I only order it once in awhile...and for special occasions...like my 21st bday! :) And I'm totally going to get another one when we go back to Disney World this weekend!

4) I wake up with a headache everyday. I have not gone without a headache everyday since I was 17. I have Imitrex for migraines that I get occasionally....but still no doctor can figure out why I wake up with one everyday.

5) I wanted to buy the car we have now (Izusu Ascender) to plan for a large family...it seats 7. We only have a 2 person family...but doggonit I WILL have a car seat in there one day!

6) I grew up with 5 dogs my whole life. So when I got older and got my own place I wanted 5 dogs too. Guess what? We have 5 dogs :) Ella and Benji (dachshund/terrier mix), Milo (pug/terrier mix), Lilly (full blooded dachshund), and our newest addition, Budha (terrier mixed with something...)

7) The Producers, the remake with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick is my all time favorite movie. No comparison. I have literally watched this movie over 100 times I'm sure...and DH and I can quote every line. This is random because I do not like ANY other movies besides scary movies. The SAW movies hold a special place in my heart.

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular because I'm not sure how many of you will want to do this over holiday season...so if you want to do it...then I'm tagging you!

AF/BFP...one of you please show!

I need one or the other....seriously.

I am 12dpo today. No signs of AF coming. My luteal phase is only 10-11 days long...so this is unusual. I should be taking a HPT in the morning...but I'm not going to!

See, FF really screws with me. A couple months ago FF told me I Oed earlier than I actually had. It got my hopes up, made me anxious, and I even tested (and I do NOT test). Just to find out I actually Oed a few days later.

And that is what's happening again. At least I think so anyway. FF this cycle says I Oed on CD 16. If that is the case, then AF was due today and she did not come. I should be able to test and I should get a BFP. But after FF screwed me, I don't trust them anymore with my emotions.

So this cycle I think I actually Oed on CD 18, not CD 16. If this is right, then I am only 10dpo today and AF should start tomorrow or Wednesday. So I should NOT test in the morning. I should wait to see AF on Wednesday...and if she doesn't show THEN I would test on Thursday morning. I am trying to be reasonable and trust FF again because there is still another "possible" O day.

I am so mad. I hate being hopeful...I prefer being reasonable. I secretly want to test. But I am NOT going to! I am going to wait. And the thing is...I KNOW AF is going to show...I KNOW it. I just hate that I feel an ounce of hope because that way I will be upset when she shows. If she had just come like normal...or FF had given me the correct O day...then it would just be another AF. But no...this one will upset me...and I hate that.

So for anyone who is interested, you can check out my chart by clicking on the link to the right that says "My Chart." Really hard to find, huh? lol So if anyone wants to humor me...take a look at it and let me know what you think...

Merry Christmas! I most likely won't post until next week because of our vacation over the weekend...unless I get a BFP...so I hope you guys have a great holiday!!!

I just can't handle it anymore!

I am so freaking tired of seeing BFP posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh...I know that just makes me sound like a wonderful person (lol)....

So I joined the TTC After BC board back in March 08....and have since made lots of friends with a lot of the ladies on there....

But then there are ALWAYS the ladies who join...and start with a post that looks like this...

"New Here!"

Hi ladies! My name is (insert name here). I'm coming to join you! My DH and I are just so excited to start to TTC! I just went of the pill 'yada yada' last month. We are TTC our first! So if anyone has any suggestions as to what to do to help me out it would be much appreciated! I'm VERY new to all of this and I can't wait to get to know you ladies!

And that's the end of that post......

Then they seem MIA for awhile...not a regular poster to cheer on other fellow TTCers...but then...well, you know what's coming....

A month (or less) later...we get THIS post....

"OMG! I can't believe it!"

OMG ladies!!! I can't believe I'm pregnant! I just tested this morning and there is no denying it's a BFP! I was sooo not expecting to be one of those ladies who got lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly! I just want to let you guys know that I will be praying for all of you to get your BFPs too!

And then they just bounce right off to their DDC....

And I hate them.

And I can't post a "congratulations" response...because I'm not happy for them. It should be me. Not them. I am the one trying and trying and trying...not them! I hate that I feel this way...so negative!

I have become the "old faithful" poster on the TTC After BC Board. One of our hosts is not TTC right now. She has a 2 year old DD that took her 11 months to conceive. She's waiting until next summer to TTC again. Our other host joined BZ at the same time as me. She went off the pill in February. I had been off since October. She got her BFP in July. 5 months. And she wasn't even regular. She became a host shortly after she got pregnant...a host of a TTC board! Seriously?!?! Just a big fat reminder right in my face every time I log in...that she got her BFP and I didn't...and we joined at the same time...and I am still struggling while she will be holding a precious baby in April...

But don't get me wrong...I LOVE my hosts! They are so freaking awesome and supportive! It's the other women who join and move on so fast...that I'm having a hard time visiting that board.

And then the TTC 9+months Board. Our hosts are great there too. One of them already has 3 kids, but is apparently having trouble conceiving the 4th (ugh). Another has not done ANY treatments and she has been TTC for 21 months. Amazing. And then our last host, who is pretty much in the same boat as me...same amount of time TTC and everything.

I think I am going to slowly back out of my TTC After BC Board...I love those steady ladies over there...but I just can't handle the BFP posts anymore. The BFP posts on the TTC 9+ months Board are so encouraging and I am truly happy for them. But the whole "I was one of the lucky ones!" posts are just killing me...

So now that I feel like a total jerk...I think that's the end of my post. Oh, besides the fact that I am in the 2ww...and I will get my BFP on Christmas morning if AF doesn't show on Christmas Eve. Crazy, right?! It could be the best...or the worst...awesome.

Come on Metformin miracle!

So I am now in the timed intercourse phase! haha

Today is CD 18 and I usually O between CD18 and CD21. Lucky for me it fell on a weekend!!!

So we BDed today ;) and hopefully we will BD EVERYDAY until I get that thermal shift!

I am praying and praying that the Metformin is making me O...I would like nothing more than to get my BFP around Christmas! It would be the BEST present I've ever received!

As realistic as I am trying to be...I cant help but fantasize how I would tell everyone that I was pregnant. It is terrible to get my hopes up, but it would be SO FUN to get to announce my pregnancy at Christmas time. I have thought about taking pictures of the test and buying "Nana's Angel" shirts for my mother and MIL and giving them that for Christmas! Oh they would be so excited!

But I just need to bring myself down to reality and think that this may not be it yet...

But I can dream! Bring on the miracle!

Our Story

So I thought I would write out mine and DH's story...just for fun :)

I met him way back when...when I was 15 and had just started a new church. And then once I moved in with my foster parents (as I call them) we got really close. We started dating in December 2004. I was 17 and he was 22. Our first date was my school play! He was my date to my senior prom :)

On my 18th b-day he gave me a promise ring. This was July 2005. I started college in August...and we continued to be in love :)


Then in July 2006 we took our first vacation together to Orlando, FL and stayed with DH's aunt. We went to Disney World (my first time!) and on our last night there, before the parade and fireworks at Magic Kingdom, DH proposed in front of the castle. It was MAGIC :) hehe We had people from everywhere congratulating us! It was amazing!

So I came home, 19 years old, and engaged! I went through my sophomore year of college and we got married August 11th, 2007 when I was 20 and he was 25. We, of course, went back to Disney World for our honeymoon!

So that brings us to now. We decided to "put it in God's hands" and "just see what happens." We wanted to be young parents. As many problems as I have had with my parents, I still LOVE the fact that they are still young. They had me when they were 18 and 20. I am 21 now and he is 26. We took guardianship of a 17 year old boy that we knew from church in Sept 2008. We were happy to help him out...and it gives us practice for the future! So...I am now a college senior...graduating in May 2009! I hope to get a BFP before then!

Hopefully this was just a fun little background on us! I just thought it would help you get to know me a little bit more!

The Husband Tag!

So Annie tagged me to do the husband tag! I love my hubby to death! This will be fun!!!

5 Things Joel Loves:

1. Me :)

2. His Family

3. Reading
4. Computer Games

5. MOVIES! lol

5 Things on Joel's "To Do" List:

1. Pick up Jordan from school today

2. Pick up his work clothes from his mom's

3. Call Superior Finance

4. Take a shower

5. Fix dinner :)

5 Foods Joel Enjoys:

1. Burger King...he could eat here every day!!!

2. My Cincinnati chili

3. Misaki's

4. Chinese

5. Steak

5 Things You May Not Know About Joel:

1. he has carpal tunel and has to wear stints at night

2. he takes a shower downstairs so our bathroom upstairs doesn't get stained from the grease he has all over him after work

3. he moved up in his job faster than anyone ever!

4. he watches movies instead of TV in his spare time

5. he cooks better than me :) haha

5 Quirky Things About Joel:

1. he never gets the words right to ANY songs! lol

2. he cant' sleep in t-shirts

3. we have aluminum foil over our bedroom window because he cannot sleep with ANY light in the room

4. he eats ALL leftovers...even the ones that aren't his! haha

5. he LOVES to get dressed up because he's so dirty at work and he HATES being dirty

This was so much fun! I love my hubby to death! I think I'm going to have to share this with him when he gets home!!!

Alright...for some fun...I'm going to tag: B (The Angry Infertile), B Mom, Brookebug, and Foxy!

Another Month, Another Eggie

My DH and I have been going crazy like rabbits. TMI-Im aware. But nothing in my blog is TMI :)

It is pretty unusual for us to BD 4 days in a row! Must be doing something right! haha

So I guess I should have known something was up...increased sex drive and all...I'm about to O!

Oh boy! This month is different though because my fertile CM started yesterday, CD 12. It always starts on CD 15. But since I'm just SO on top on my body issues these days (lol) I'm pretty sure I'll be Oing this week! Or at least within the next 5-7 days.

If I catch that eggie this month...I'll be due for my BFP around Christmas. What a wonderful gift it would be to tell my in laws and family that we're expecting. I'm not too hopeful, but hey! That would make a BFP that much more exciting!

I cannot wait for my Ob/Gyn appointment on Jan 9th. I will have just finished AF and any meds she wants to start me on I can start right away :)

So wish me luck in catching that eggie this month! Woohoo!!!

Nothing New

So I really have nothing new to update on the TTC thing...

I'm on CD 10 I believe...which means I have about 5 more days until I hit fertile cm and about 8-10 more days until O time. So I'm waiting.

You know what's funny? I don't mind the 2ww. I can't STAND the wait to O.
Weird...I know...

So...my Thanksgiving was nice. I ate pretty much nothing. Actually, I'm kidding :) We started at my Aunt's at 12 for my dad's side. I ate one spoonful of everything I'm not really supposed to have. Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, etc. But that wasn't bad. I did fine.

Then at 3 we headed to my BIL and SIL's for my DH's side. We ate again. I definitely didn't eat much here. I ate turkey and cranberry sauce. And a piece of sugar free pumpkin pie.

Then at 6 it was off the my foster parent's house. I was SICK! Oh my goodness...I was incredibly nauseous and my stomach was killing me. I didn't eat ANYTHING there. I'm beginning to think that the way you lose weight on Metformin is through the bathroom. haha...no wait, I'm serious :)

So I figured my stomach wasn't agreeing with me because I was eating the "bad stuff" again. But it was actually quite the contrary. I ate pizza today...yea yea I know. Don't preach to me...but my stomach was fine. EVERY DAY on this medicine and eating healthy I have had multiple trips to "talk to my toilet." But today...I've felt fine. Of course! All I needed was another reason to eat bad again...lol. I'm KIDDING of course! But still...it was nice to go out to lunch with DH today.

We decorated our house for Christmas :) We have our banister ready, our tree up, and lights outside :) We got it ready the day after Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to decorate our house for the first time. And we took our family photo....just me, Joel, and Jordan. Do you guys know we have a foster son?? We are actually his legal guardians...but he talks to his mom all the time. He's gay. He's 17. He's a hoot. It's been real fun having a son around the house since September. So yea....our Christmas photo is ready to go on the tree. Every Christmas since we got married (all...ONE of them. haha) we have decided to buy a photo ornament and put our pick in it from that Christmas. So I have to go dig up last years pic of us and hang it up and then add the one of the 3 of us from this year. Maybe next year it will be with a baby in my belly...or even in our arms!

So...back to TTC...I have made my follow up appointment with my Ob/Gyn. January 9th at 9:00am. This is THE APPOINTMENT. The one where we will evaluate my Metformin...and talk about Clomid. Come on, baby...we're ready for you...

The Lemon Award!!!

So...Foxy tagged me!!!

I have been awarded the "The Lemon Award"

The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade.

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition:

1. The Angry Infertile (even though you're angry...haha! I give you some lemonade!!!)

2. Annie Bananie

3. Brookebug

4. B

5. This Cross I Embrace (I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I read yours! So I'm tagging you!)

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not acquainted with a wide variety of blogs.

So I think we all could use some encouragement! We all have the ability to turn our lemons into lemonade...even if it ends up sour!!! Chin up, girls! We will ALL BE MOTHERS ONE DAY!!!