Month #17

Hooray....AF is here.

Our 3 month break doesn't technically start until DH starts those stinkin' vitamins! And he hasn't yet...hopefully this weekend...

Nothing new here except cramps, bloating, and irritability. Did I mention I'm not pregnant? Yea...

Not Much To Report

Well...I'm not pregnant. Obviously. No, AF has not shown up, but I'm just setting myself up for it. She should be here any day now and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up to her tomorrow because my back is killing me in that "AF" sort of way.

So...let's see. DH has not started his vitamins yet. Mainly because we haven't had time to go search for them and we're waiting for our final unemployment check on Friday. Our last one! DH is so happy to be back at work. But he comes home so sore and so tired! He's been out of work for 6 weeks!!! So hopefully we will get him started on them very soon. I'm thinking I will reschedule his next urologist appointment for 3 months right after he starts the vitamins. We originally had it scheduled from 3 months from the last appointment, but we'll do it exactly 3 months from him starting the vitamins and then schedule a new S/A. After that, we'll schedule a follow up consultation. Hopefully in which we'll get some answers and some idea for what our next moves are. I am scared to death to get bad news. Oh, and also DH needs to do the U/S sometime between now and the follow up appointment. Hopefully once we get back on track here in the next few weeks we can get him in for that.

As for me...I'm in the tail end of an annovulatory cycle. Ugh, it sucks. I had crazy CM this cycle...it lasted for like over a week! And this cycle (since I figured it was a bust anyway) we just BDed when we wanted to. We may have it covered...but I don't really know. But I don't care! haha Oh yeah...I have NOT TEMPED in 4 DAYS!!!!! Ahhhh...it's such a relief. I still log in to FF to record CM and stuff...but no temp. I think I will still do FF without my temp just so I still have a place to record CM, BD and all that stuff. I won't obsess near as much as I do with temps!

So on the school front. OMG I hate history! Seriously...I will be lucky if I pass. I can't even begin to study! Ah! It's the most boring thing EVER! I have a mid term tomorrow...and I have barely, BARELY studied! But for good news...I am loving my internship! OMG it is the best! I am really starting to get more comfortable...and I think the kids are starting to finally get comfortable with me :) It's so awesome.

So for some random news...our heat is out. Which definitely sucks when it's freezing outside! And apparently it's something big like a fan or something that needs to be replaced and DH said $150-$200. Ugh. So we're using space heaters which work quite nice for the bedrooms. And our living room is always cold anyway because we leave the back door open for the dogs; so it's not a problem in there really. I guess we'll be without heat for about a week or 2. Oh well! I hope it gets warmer!

So I guess I will update when AF shows. Or when we finally get DHs vitamins. Whichever comes first :)

Hallelujah!

Girls...when God turns your life around...he really turns it around!

Just reading over my post from yesterday...I was so out of hope. I was pretty much set on not getting pregnant or even having my life together for AT LEAST the next 3 months. I was terrible to say the least.

But what a difference a day makes!!!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!

Are you ready for this?!

My husband is to report back to work Sunday night....

TAKE IT ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that have been faithful readers and friends...I'm giving you a moment :) haha

My...husband...is...going...back...to...WORK!

Now that the excitement is over (yea right!) I will explain it all....

He is NOT going back to the same position he was in. He is taking quite a pay cut. About 3 o 4 dollars an hour less. But please, who cares?! My husband is going back to work! woohoo! So anywho...he has no idea what position he will be in now. The process that he was the operator for is still not back on 3rd shift. Since he is reporting for 3rd shift...obviously he is not going back to the same Level 6 job. The man he spoke to today, who runs the whole factory, said to expect to be put into a Level 2-Level 4 position. The levels show the range of pay. So with worst case scenario he will be put in a Level 2 job, which is quite a bit less pay. But obviously, HE'S GOING BACK TO WORK!!! So he may be put back into the position he was in when the economy improves or things get back to normal.

BUT WHO CARES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY HUSBAND GOT HIS JOB BACK!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just cannot wait to tell everyone at church that has been praying for us! I will most likely burst out into tears and start praising the Lord uncontrollably at the altar...I dunno about, I may wait until Sunday...hahaha But whatever!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to thank ALL OF YOU that have been faithfully praying for us. This has been the toughest month of my entire life. With my husband losing his job, putting treatments on hold, finding more fertility problems, etc etc....it has been a crazy time! But even though we won't be doing any treatments for the next 3 months....we WILL have the money to put DH on vitamins and we WILL have health insurance to still go to the doctor will illnesses and we WILL be able to pick up right where we left off as soon as that 3 months is up. Insurance was not the only reason we were putting treatment on hold. The fact that DH has fertility issues is a reason to just simply not waste the Clomid. But now we will simply put DH on the vitamins and I will stay on Metformin and focus on losing weight.

Here is our TTC plan that leads us up to our 2 year TTC mark in October:

When the 3 months is up DH will get his U/S and go for his next S/A. Once we get those results, we will look back into Clomid and start 100mg and do that for 5 more months. So by our 2 year TTC mark in October if the Clomid has not been successful then we will look into varicocele surgery (if that is in fact what DH has) and then IUIs or IVF. It will basically be determined by what DHs results are which one we chose to do.

Now...to update you about my appointment with the Diabetes Consultant. She was fabulous! She was very helpful! And I am SO GLAD that I am going through this with the insulin resistance because with my paternal grandmother and my mother both having diabetes I am obviously set up for it! So she made it clear that starting to monitor it now will greatly decrease my chances of getting diabetes...even though insulin resistance makes me 40% more likely to get it. She showed me how to use the little thing that I stick myself with and how to read the meter. She has me checking it at different times throughout the month until my next appointment. She wants me checking it only once a day. I have to vary the time myself. I can chose to do it 1 house before a meal or 2 hours after a meal. Today I chose to do it 2 hours after breakfast. It was 99. I wasn't scheduled to eat lunch until noon (I took it at 10am) so that was kinda low. But basically I am doing at a different time everyday to see what my baseline seems to be or see if I can find any patterns, triggers, etc. She gave me a cute little plate that I use to measure out my food portions. So far so good! It's really not that difficult! I have yet to actually stick myself though! Last night the lady did it for me at the appointment and then DH did it. Then today I had a fellow staff member who has diabetes help me since it was my first time! haha I'm such a loser!

So all in all....man things are starting to get great! I am actually thanking God for this 3 month break because it gives me a chance to have a goal of weight loss in place. That way I will focus all my energy on losing weight and getting healthier and adapting to a diabetic lifestyle instead of IF. Hallelujah! As soon as this cycle is over, I am STOPPING TEMPING!!!!! omg I cannot believe I just wrote that. But yes, after 8 cycles of temping, I'm done. And I most likely won't start again. The Clomid this cycle has made my chart really hard to interpret, so it's not helping anyway. So I believe I am just done. Thank the Lord! This means no more timed BD and no more freaking out! Ahhhh....I guess this break won't be so bad after all. I think I will feel like we are still actually doing something about it since DH will be on the vitamins and I will still be on the Metformin...but I just won't be focusing all my time on it :) Ahhh...much needed.

So...in short...thank you thank you THANK YOU for your prayers and kind words about DH's job. I am so so so thankful to have a SAVIOR like JESUS CHRIST who steps in when His children see no way out! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Taking a 3 Month Break

The 50mg Clomid did not make me O :(

DH and my ObGyn feel like there is no sense in using Clomid again since DH needs to wait to find out what is wrong with him. I disagreed because I wanted to see if 100mg worked. Then I would know how much I needed to take once DH got better. But they felt like it was a wasted cycle, so I gave in.

DH did not go for his U/S. It was too expensive. But we have 3 months until his next appointment with the urologist so hopefully we will get it done sometime from now until then. DH is also going to start a vitamin regime:

• Vitamin C 500 mg
• Vitamin E 400 IU
• Folic Acid 1000 mcg
• Selenium 200 mcg
• Zinc 20 mg
• L-carnitine 1000 mg
• Lycopene 10 mg

This is a list of all the ingredients in the vitamins that DHs urologist suggested. This is off of www.theralogix.com. This is a website the urologist told us to go to and buy the vitamins. He also told us it takes 3 months for men to create new sperm, so he needs to take it for 3 months and get another S/A. So that is why DH does not have another appointment until May.

I am so bummed. I really feel selfish and guilty for still wanting to try to have a baby after all the financial problems we're facing. DH makes me feel the worst. He is apparently the "voice of reason" and I just feel like a little kid that won't give up. He just doesn't understand. I know secretly that we should stop. But I also have this little voice in that back of my head telling me that we're going to need to do more expensive procedures and I feel like if we go ahead and get the Clomid and stuff out of the way that by the time we are ready...we can go ahead and get the procedures and not waste time. That sounds so crazy. But that is my mind....

So I guess we will be trying naturally for the next 3 months or so. I'm going to stop charting and temping. I'm going to stop it all. I'm so over it anyway. It's been 8 months of charting and temping and it drives me crazy. So I guess Metformin is the only hope I will have during these 3 "natural" months.

I have my appointment later today with the diabetes consultant to talk about taking my blood sugar everyday. Fun fun. I'll let you know how it goes...

Six Things That Make Me Smile

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to Foxy for tagging me to do this!!! It really forced me to be on the positive side for this post...and I needed that!

1. My DH. Joel is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and he never fails to make me smile!

2. My dogs. I love all 5 of them! They make me smile and laugh all the time! They crack me up with the funny little things they do!

3. My church. I never fail to smile when I'm at church. Even if I'm not really into it, I can always look around and find someone who is getting a blessing...and it just melts my heart.

4. My internship. Thinking about this just made me smile. I have officially found a job I love. Those kids, the teachers, everything about it makes me smile! "Have a job that you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

5. My family. All of them! They're all awesome! There's nothing better than the whole family getting together and talking and laughing forever!

6. God. I put him last but not least on this list. He has the biggest impact on my life over anything else. When I think of all he has done for me...I am in awe. And I don't deserve it...yet he does it anyway. And that makes me smile....

Now I am tagging BMoM and Brookebug! I think we need a few smiles ladies!!!

I don't have a title...blah, blah, blah...

So I'm just blah. I'm really only posting just so I can keep up with our steps. I'm very unemotional right now. I haven't been posting much on my message boards...it's just too depressing. This crazy things called TTC has just killed me inside. But the good news is...I don't obsess over it. I feel like I'm at the point where I don't care...and that may just be okay.

So DHs urologist appointment went just fine. We were given a website to look at to purchase some vitamins if we want. They found a bump. He freaked out. The doctor said it may be a varicocele. DH has an ultrasound set up to look at it. He also set up another appointment for 3 months from now to see how we're doing. Oh, I forgot to mention poor DH has to do another "test" Thursday.

And that's it. I have my CD 21 BW this coming Monday. I don't think I Oed. My temps have been so unreliable! But DH and I have not really been BDing much...mainly because I'm trying the whole "BD when you want to" thing and apparently we never "want" to. That's just sad. But anywho...I'm thinking this cycle is a bust.

I'll update when I go to my appointment Monday.

Babies-R-NOT-Us

So all this stuff is really starting to sink in. I believe that I really am in the depression stage. The sad fact that I will not be a mother any time soon is really hurting me.

Saturday DH and I headed out to get a gate for the top of our stairs. Yes, a baby gate...as they call them. Mine, however, is for my dogs. Why do they not sell these at pet stores or Wal-mart? Well, they do...just not the size I needed. Trust me, I looked everywhere before I finally admitted we needed to take the trip to THAT store.

I have not been in Babies-R-Us since I bought the huge gate for my basement bedroom when I was 18. It was also for my dogs. Back then, of course, I didn't mind waltzing into a store like this because it wasn't my time for a baby. But sadly, I had to go Saturday. We really needed that gate.

So we walk in. Immediately we are greeted by a big ole' baby toosh. Yup, a tooshie. Right there in my face. And the little leg rolls too. And I know you're wondering...what?! Let me explain...it was a big poster in the back of the store that said "Babies-R-Us" On the left side was a cute little baby face and on the right side was smooth little baby butt. My husband could not stop laughing. It was a great distraction. We spent the whole time walking through the store talking about how odd that was and how funny it was. Great distraction. But not too great. I still saw a pregnant woman walking around and registering. And I saw TONS OF BABIES. Of course...I mean DUH! But it sucked. We got what we needed and I practically ran out of there. I told DH I should have brought my nephew with me so I would have fit in. Out of all the people in there...we were buying a gate for our dogs. In line with a bunch of couples with cute clothes and cribs...and we were buying something for our dogs.

Ok...moving on. Sunday we went out to eat for my uncle's birthday. My BIL (yes, THAT BIL) and SIL and nephew and my mom and little brother and sister and my aunt and uncle and cousin and my papaw and nana. Ok. So everyone there has kids. My nephew and my little sister sat next to each other in high chairs. It was the cutest thing EVER. Now I'm not sure if I've said this before, but my mom went through IF too. For 15 years. We're all adopted. Me, my little 7 year old brother, and my 10 month old sister. My mom has never had a baby before. I was 17 when she got me, my brother was 5, and my sister was 8 months. So my sister is the first baby my mom has ever had. And oh my God if anyone ever deserved to be a mother it is my mother. She is the best. Hands down. So while we were laughing at the babies making faces at each other and stealing each other's food I say "Oh my gosh! They're so so cute! I want one!" and my BIL pops up and says "You're only 21! Calm down!"

Alright...that's it. No more sarcastic way of blowing you off yet again. You've got it coming...and BAM. I let him have it. All this crap he throws around to me ALL THE TIME and I just couldn't take it. I said "Matthew, my AGE is NOT the ISSUE here! The fact that I can't get PREGNANT is the PROBLEM!" And you know what? That's all I said. Right there in front of my family...I said it. He responded with "Well, I know that, but I'm just saying you're still young! You have time!" But oh man...he saw how upset that made me. My mom was sitting right next to me and she leaned over and said "I know, I know." Gosh I love her. Then when my BIL got up to get food I leaned over to my mom and I said "I honestly don't know how you did this. I don't want to go through another 14 years of what I've gone through this year. And I know I have time, but I don't want to have to wait." She said "I know. And it's hard. And it's going to be hard. The hardest for me was the first 3 years. That was when I had to see everyone that got married around the same time as me get pregnant and have babies and people younger than me, people who hadn't been married as long as me, and people that didn't want to be pregnant. I couldn't go to baby showers, I cried at baby dedications. It was hard. But after those years I just started praying. And honestly prayer is the only thing that got me through. And since John (my dad) wasn't willing to go through doctors, I just had to pray that God would open some doors." I wanted to bust out in tears. I wanted to say "Mom! I'm going through that now! Help me!" But the thing is, she knows. I may not ever sit down with her formally and talk about it all at once, but when I get test results, I let her know in passing. Or in little conversations like this. She knows. But oh, it still hurts. I told her "Mom, I'm in the angry stage right now." And I motioned to my BIL. She just shook her head. She's been through all those comments. But it's still hard!!!

That's enough depressing stuff for right now. DH has his urologist appointment on Wednesday. I'm really eager to go and find out what the next step is.

Oh, and my SIL found out she is having another boy. She was so upset, she wanted a girl so bad. But I don't care, I'm getting another nephew! And I love my nephew so much right now and I can't wait to meet my new one! They're naming him Kaidyn Matthew. Or Kaydin Matthew. I can't remember how they're spelling it. But anywho...They will have 2 boys : Korben Thomas and Kaydin Matthew. So so so cute. I love being an aunt.

This is It.

Ladies, I appreciate all your kind words after my lame day yesterday. But today has not gotten any better. It's gotten worse. A lot worse.

So here it all comes....

Today is another snow day :) So I slept all day and watched TV with DH. Good news: DH just got called in for a drug test for a temporary position available. Bad news: It pays half of what he was making and there is no employee health benefits. :(

Good news: I finally made an appointment with an RE. In fact, the same RE that did DH's SA. I finally realized I was finished with this nonsense with the ObGyn and was ready to get a move on. I've only got 4 months before I graduate and I wanted to be pregnant by then. I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not even that interested in getting me pregnant. Also, she will be better qualified to tell us what we need to do and where we need to go from here. Bad news: My appointment isn't until March 30th.

Good news: I've been researching individual insurance plans for us to pay monthly when DHs insurance runs out at the end of the month. I've found some pretty reasonable plans. Bad news: It would just be yet another bill we would struggle to pay every month. And it could be that we can't afford it and that we just go without insurance. Which would mean no doctor's visits, no fertility treatments: NOTHING.


Good news: I finally got DHs SA results. Bad news: It was BAD. Very bad. So bad that my doctor actually called me personally to tell me. She actually came out and said "Your husband is the reason you are not getting pregnant. So the Clomid is probably pointless." She was somewhat sympathetic. She told me that there was actually a note on the test results that said "IVF is the best option. Artificial insemination won't work."

So here's the results she gave me:

Volume: 2.8mL, should be 2-6 mL
Concentration: 5 x 10 to the 6^th mL, should be greater than 20 x 10 to the 6^th
Motility: 20%, should be greater than 50%
Total Motility: 2 x 10 to the 6^th, should be 40 x 10 to the 6^th
Progression index: plus ½, should be 2-4

I am devastated. I can't even put in to words how I feel. All this time I kept thinking "There is something we can do, there is something we can do." I figured we would take a course like Clomid, then IUIs, then IUIs with injectables, etc and move on from there. But now I've been told that IVF is my only option. What a slap in the face. We're not ready to get there. I wasn't ready for that step. I mean, sure, as we go step by step it costs more and more. But this is a giant leap. Clomid to IVF. $20 co pay to $20,000 procedure.

This is it. This is end of my journey. I hate that this is how it ended. I had hope that Clomid would be my magic pill. But instead my journey ends with this. IVF is your option. In other words, you can't have kids unless you're rich. And we're not. The sad truth is that my baby journey ends with this news. It may be picked up here in a year or two, but not now. This is it....it's over. And I failed. My journey was suppose to end with a baby, but it didn't. Maybe in a few years I can pick up where I left off.

Ok, ok, Enough!

Alright...my DH got his SA on 1-22. So where are the results?! Is it so bad they don't want to tell us? Is it so good that they don't feel they need to tell us?! I'm going nuts here...

So, tonight is my last dose of Clomid. So far, no real side effects. I've been pretty hot at night, but DH and I have both been really sick, so that may be why. I so so so hope this is it. I had the ever so lovely opportunity to go to lunch with my DH and BIL on Saturday. Oh, yea, him again! He's just such a lovely person. I'm not even going to go into details this time about all the hurtful things he said. DH and I just shook our heads. "He just doesn't get it!" were DH's words exactly. And I totally agree. He really just doesn't. His sarcasm makes me want to puke. And if DH and I even remotely stick up for ourselves or actually try to say something to get him to stop, he seriously doesn't get it. I mean, seriously! He is that out of it.

So today I've been thinking about my MIL. How she takes care of my nephew 24/7. How she will end up taking care of their new baby as well. What about my baby?? Will she ever babysit my baby?? She has her FIRST grandchild from my BIL and SIL. Fine. They're older than DH and all...yay. Now if my SIL has a girl this time, won't that be it? She'll have it all. She'll have her grandson and her granddaughter. And DH and I will be the "Oh, they haven't had kids yet..." *sigh*

So, DH had an interview today. I'm happy for him. I think he'll get it. Down side: no health insurance. aaahhhhh. We have coverage until the end of February through his last employer. After that, that's it. We're done. No DAs, no Clomid, no nothing. Everything will be put on hold. Why me?! Ugh I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it's just a side effect of Clomid? I dunno...

For some reason today is a very BAD DAY. And you think it would be good...it's a snow day :) School got let out at 12:30 today so I just got to come home. I've been on the computer since I got home. It's just a bad day. All the realizations of "this really is happening...I'm not getting pregnant" and the "it may never happen" and the "you're gonna have to wait because you need assistance because you're not worthy of pregnancy on your own." are all coming.

I'm finished with the "maybe"s. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that...NO. I DESERVE A BABY. And the sad fact is, this is just simply NOT FAIR. And there's nothing I can do about it. I've had enough. My optimism has officially worn off. So many times I get compliments from other ladies of how "optimistic" I am on this journey. Well, I'm sorry. I can't be that person anymore. I'm tired. I just can't. Women have tried, gotten pregnant, and delivered within the time frame that I have been TRYING. So I'm done....I give up. I have no more strength. And no more insurance. So if this round of Clomid doesn't work...oh well.

God, I'm putting it all in Your hands. All of my burdens...problems...all of my questions...I put it all in Your hands.