Poppin' That Pill...

Or, in my case, pill-S-

Ugh...man I am SO SICK. Bronchitis and AF and back pain all together. Can we say "DEATH WITHOUT DYING?!" Yea...this sucks.

SO! Some updated news. I will start Clomid tomorrow. I'm going to take it before I go to bed thanks to some great suggestions from the women on my TTC Boards. That way I can sleep through the side effects or at least decrease them. Right now I am also on hydrocodone for my back pain...oh yes, it's back! And my doctor continues to say "you know...you're back will still hurt and will probably hurt worse if you get pregnant." Yes, I understand this. But I would rather be pregnant with back pain than just have back pain. So since we still can't figure out what the problem is...why not keep trying to a baby?! It's what I want...so I'm not sitting around and waiting for you to find out what the problem is!

So I am taking an antibiotic too...big ole horse pills! NOT easy to swallow when you've got a big ole swollen sore throat! I have completely lost my voice. I didn't even go to my internship today! The first day I've missed so far. And technically, you don't need a voice to be able to interpret! lol But I don't want to get the kids sick or anything...and I needed some R&R!

So...DH and I are really ready for this baby. DH did his SA Thursday morning! We still haven't gotten the results back, but something tells me it's just not DH. I mean, how likely is it that there's a problem with both of us? I have PCOS...and that's enough for an IF diagnosis. But still...I do want to know the results so we don't waste too much money on this Clomid or anything else. It cost us $20. Not too bad. I just hope we don't need to keep taking it for the next 5 months too!

Please God let this be it for us. I am so ready to be a mom, I am so ready to my husband a dad. He will be a great dad. We are ready for a family, a car seat, baby blankets, diapers, bibs, sleepless nights, and non stop cleaning. We are ready for that because we are also ready to decorate a nursery, take family photos, and plan showers and birthdays. We are ready to give my nephew and soon to be niece/nephew a baby cousin. We are ready to make my little sister an aunt at 14. We're ready to make my parents grandparents for the first time at 40 and 42. We are ready to "baby proof" our house so little hands and feet can crawl around. We are ready to plan our meals and alone time around nap time. We are ready to jump up at every little peep that comes from the baby monitor for the next year. We are ready to give our baby a bath and a bottle and watch them slowly fall asleep in our bed and then slowly try to lay them down in their crib without waking them. We're ready for the "ooohhhs" and "aaahhhs" from strangers over our beautiful baby. We're ready to give our unconditional love to the most innocent and sweet little baby we've ever seen....our own.

So God...when you're ready to give it, we're ready for our miracle.

Sick, Sick, Sick!

I am SICK! haha

I have had what I thought was a cold for the past few days...and I have gotten worse, and worse, and worse!

So today I think I have had this crud for about a week now! And I'm not getting better! So I'm going to try to make a doctor's appointment soon. I need some medicine! This over the counter stuff ain't workin'!

So in the world of IF...according to FF I am 13 dpo today. hahahahahahahahaha. Not a chance. I have already given up this cycle. My temps, CM, basically everything...was so off this cycle! I can honestly say I am not sure when I Oed. So basically, I'm just winging it here! AF usually starts sometime between the 25th and the end of the month. I'm sorta expecting her today. But it doesn't matter. I have Clomid waiting on me! Woohoo! :)

So the only that sucks worse than AF...is AF with an illness. And oh yes...it sucks! So let's all keep our fingers crossed that AF will stay away. Of course, that's what I'm hoping. If not, let's all hope and pray that Clomid is all I need. I don't want to be selfish...but IF sucks for everyone whether you've tried every treatment or are just starting to try treatments. It just sucks in a different way.

So I will update when AF shows...and hopefully this creapin' crud will go away! Bring on the Clomid baby! :)

Here Comes Clomid! And Marriage Retreat!

So here's the update from my appointment on Friday...

It started with hearing that I had not lost weight. This shocked the crap out of me because I weigh myself at home once a week! And I have lost weight! I use the same scale...so I know it's not that! However, in my defense (and to make myself feel better) I had on some huge boots and a coat...and all that had to increase my weight! Now the sad part, I think I've only lost 2 pounds since I started the Metformin. It's the sad fact that I have no self discipline. One day will be a good diet day, then the next...not so much. So my weight has gone down as much as a 5 pound loss in 1 week...only to get right back to where I was the next week. But the good news is I'm not giving up! The more and more I do GOOD, the less and less I do bad...so hopefully even though I fall off the bandwagon, I can get right back on. Better than just giving up, right?

So that's enough about the depressing fact that I'm 100 pounds over weight :( Moving on...

My ObGyn was also not very pleased with my weight. She was also not very excited about moving on to meds so quickly. She said she would like to see me lose 100 pounds before I get pregnant. (yea right!) She said she would also like me to give the Metformin alone another few months. (again, yea right!) However, she also added that if I really was ready, she would go ahead and start me on 50mg Clomid once this cycle is over and I start my period. DH and I talked it over...and we're both ready. We're both making a better effort diet-wise, but we don't want to put this on hold. I told him "I don't feel like I'm in a rush. I just don't feel like 15 months of trying and wanting to move on to meds is quick." And he agreed. He's so relaxed...he's ready for whatever. He knows this stresses me out, so he is GREAT with accepting whatever. He's ready to be a dad...he's ready for a pregnant wife and planning for a baby...he's ready to start meds...he's ready to start procedures....just whatever. He's up for it. :) He's great. :)

My Dr told me that she does 5-6 rounds of Clomid. If that doesn't work, then she will refer us to a fertility specialist. So that brings us up to June or July. My birthday is July 15th and I would like nothing more to get to announce that I was pregnant on my birthday. Or DH's birthday. It's August 3rd. That would be great :)

DH said he would get his SA sometime this upcoming week. That way if there is something wrong there we won't waste or time or money on the Clomid just yet. And speaking of DH, he has 3 interviews set up for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday! I'm so proud of him! They are all with temp companies, but that is how he got the job he was at. So even if he has to start out at a smaller wage, I'm confident that he can move up again! And we only have 4 months before I graduate and start working again! So we're OKAY!!! It's so comforting to know that we're okay. God is so good :)

And on that note...our marriage retreat was AWESOME! We played a game Friday night similar to "the newly wed game" except that they picked 6 couples from a different "years married" group. The groups were 0-5 years, 6-10 years, 11-15 years, 16-20 years, 21-30 years, and 31 and up! And me and DH got to represent the 0-5 years group! Yay!

So the questions were all about our wedding....they sent all the husbands out and asked us questions...then they brought them back in to answer them and if they matched we got points! So the first round me and Joel got all of them right! Woohoo! Then the second round they sent all the wives out. I missed one! Gah! I couldn't believe it! haha The question was "How many months were you engaged?" I said 12...DH said 13! LOL We were engaged on July 28th and married August 11th. So it was understandable that both of us answered what we did! But we still won!!! All the other couples missed 2 or more! hahaha! It was great! Our Bishop and his wife represented the 31 + group. One question was "What color was the suit/tux your husband wore at the wedding?" Our our Bishop's wife announced "Blue Surge" and we all started dying laughing! She laughed and said he would never remember! And guess what? Our pastor asks him the question and he announces "BLUE SURGE!!!" And the whole crowd was in an uproar of laughter! Then the next question was "What was the main color of your wedding?" Our Bishop says "Ivory" and his wife looks at him and says "What?! It was pink!!!" And of course all the men start asking him "You remember 'Blue Surge' but you don't remember pink?!" haha! Then he turns to his wife and says "Well honey, the only person I saw was you and you were in white!" aaawwww! It was so so so much fun!

Then this morning's message was about what to do when your perfect marriage (a beautiful vase) crashes into pieces. Our speaker actually knocked over a porcelain case and it shattered! He explained that the world tells you to just throw it away because it is unrepairable. But you need to bring the broken pieces to the alter and give them up to Jesus. Tell him "this is all we have, but we know you can fix anything." Then he pulls out an exact replica of the original vase and says "And once you let Jesus mend your marriage it is just as valuable as it was before it shattered. No glue, no tape, no cracks!!! That means NO SCARS! Good as new! There is no evidence that a problem ever existed!" Oh Hallelujah! It was such a powerful message!

Then he asked us to all gather around the front and pray with our spouse. Then we prayed for our pastor and his wife. It was great! And then the most amazing part of the whole experience...mine and DHs talk afterwards in the car. I said "Wow that was a great message. Very powerful. There are a lot of people I can think of that should have been there for that." And DH says "Yea, but is it just me or did you think that didn't apply to us much this time? I mean, I know we're facing hard times right now, but...I just don't feel like our marriage is in pieces." And I said "You know what? I was thinking the same thing!" I felt like we could learn from the message, but I honestly felt than much more happy with my marriage that PRAISE GOD we have not been through that kind of "shattering" of our marriage. And I pray that we never do.

So I know this post was extremely long! So here's the summary: Marriage retreat was AWESOME and FUN! I start Clomid 50mg CD 3-7 in February and keep taking it through June or July. I'm not sure about whether she ups the dosages through that time frame or not, but we'll see! Say a little prayer for us that our marriage stays as strong as it is and Clomid is what leads us to our BFP! :)

Come on Eggie!

It is CD 22 and no O yet! Ugh! I'm frustrated! I could have sworn yesterday was the big O, but apparently not...at least according to my temp. So I'm guessing that it's today? So whatever...we'll BD tonight and that means we will have the best BD timing so far...that will be a nice comfort...but it will also show me that BD timing is NOT our problem when I see AF in 2 weeks!

I have my Ob/Gyn appointment tomorrow :) I'm excited! I am going to tell her everything that has happened with DHs job and I will BEG HER to go ahead and give me the meds she thinks I need! And try to fit in as much as we can before the end of February! And the thing is...I don't feel guilty...I don't feel selfish...I just want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to know what it's like to be a parent. And I will! One day...and I don't mind waiting...just cuz I know my time is coming :)

On an even brighter note!!! I am LOVIN MY INTERNSHIP! Seriously! My interpreter mentor is AMAZING! And the 2 kids I work with are AWESOME! I am working with a middle school interpreter and 2 7th graders. One with a whole Deaf family, and one who comes from an all speaking family...and they speak Spanish! He has a cochlear implant...and he is learning sign language and English at the same time! Crazy!!! But man he cracks me up! This is my second day...my first full day...and I was already interpreting! The girl I work with got caught up in some drama, so my interpreter had to go with her to the office and I had to stay with the boy! For math AND social studies! Whew it was crazy! But it was so much fun! :) He even told my interpreter when I came back that I did great :) And then he turned to me and told me I was a "special woman"!!!!!!!!! How sweet! I told him he was a special kid :) Ahhh this is awesome :)

DH has not found a job yet...but honestly, with our savings...we will be ok. I'm not really scared...we have a lot of money coming our way and I feel like we're going to be okay! God's timing worked out that we're getting all this money right when we need it :) He's taking care of us!!! But just because my DH does not have job right now does not mean we are putting our life on hold. I mean...my BIL and SIL can just pop 'em out when their finances are WAY worse than ours?! No one is going to make me feel stupid or selfish for wanting my family to grow. Crack addicts and prostitutes can get pregnant...and I'm selfish for still wanting fertility meds after my DH gets laid off? I don't think so! So I don't care what anyone thinks! We're a strong family :) And we'll be fine!

Tomorrow DH and I will be gone for our annual Marriage Retreat with our church in Gatlinburg. We decided to still go, but cut it down to one night instead of 2 to save money. But I don't think God will punish us for wanting to strengthen our marriage :)

So come on eggies!!! Come on down!!! I'm starting to worry that you're too comfy up there! You got plenty of friends waiting on you! haha So come on down and meet one! I'm tired of waiting!

So I will update later on my appointment and O day :) Hopefully we are one step closer to our BABY :) And say a little prayer for us that God will bless my DH with a great new job. I prefer to see this as God sending DH something better...he hated that job and I hated that job...and it was irritating. So even though the comfort of the weekly paycheck is gone, maybe God is just sending him something better :) And I have faith that that is the case! Keep us in your prayers!!!

My Hubby Lost His Job

:*(

Say a little prayer for us :(

Financial Woes

I didn't go to my ObGyn appointment Friday. I rescheduled it for this coming Friday. I had to cancel it on a whim...

DH may not have a job come tonight :(

They are laying off 1/5 of his company and all weekend DH has been stuck in rut. He has tried to call many people...some have said "we all got canned" others have said "if you haven't been called, then you've still got a job." So needless to say, he is freaking out!

Our baby dreams are on hold now. I told him that no matter what happens...if we lose our house, our car...everything...I would be right there squeezing into our cardboard box with him on the side of the road in the rain. And I would still love him more than I do even today :) He's the best. And I feel so helpless because I do not know what to do to help him cope with the "not knowing."

However...since he has not gotten a call...it seems like there is a good chance that he still has his job. He is going to go in tonight. And if he is told to go home, then so be it. And if he's still got his job...then so be it. We've been talking about all weekend and we are prepared for what the Lord has in store for us. It will be a blessing either way. If he got laid off then we will thank the Lord for this job that has brought us this far and thank Him for the job he has yet to give my husband. If God choses to let him keep this job, then we praise Him for letting him still have a job after everyone but 5 people on his process were let go.

That's right...only 5 people are left on his process. He was told this lay off is going strictly by seniority. DH will have been at this job for 2 years this February. That is a REALLY long time considering the turn over rate at this job. However, people with more seniority than him can take over his job and he, in turn, can take over a job from someone with less seniority than him. So he may go in tonight to find that someone else took him job and he has been moved down. But that's ok. We are ready for anything.

So I am nervous about tonight. If he still has a job then alright! I can go to my appointment on Friday and we can continue...but if not. Oh God, if not...I will be stuck. We will be stuck. There will be no further testing, meds, etc to have our baby. Now I know what you're thinking "If her husband lost his job they don't NEED a baby! They couldn't afford one!" But that is not fair. My BIL and SIL have a son and one on the way and BIL works 2 jobs and SIL works part time and goes to school. They just bought a trailer to put out on my MIL and FIL's land. How do they afford a son and a baby?? How are they "worthy" of children right now? The truth is...that they weren't financially ready for Korben....or this new baby. But that didn't stop them from trying for Korben or from "accidentally" conceiving this baby. So the truth is...DH and I may not be able to afford a baby if he gets laid off...we would make it. We have savings and it's not like DH wouldn't look for another job!

But the sad reality of it is...if I just "fell pregnant" it wouldn't be an issue...but putting forth MONEY for IF is one of those "you're money could be better spent right now" situations. If it was a baby, no one would think twice. But for some reason it is SO WRONG to put forth money to actually HAVE that BABY!!!

So we're stuck right now. With no baby and no way to pursue that baby right now :(

My New Year's Post

So finally I am making my new year's post.

I have been in a TTC funk. Ever since AF played that evil trick on me and stayed away for so long...only to show her evil face on Christmas evening. I was so mad. It just gave me false hope and for a minute or two I actually thought about how to tell the family. That was just stupid of me. Why would I be pregnant?! I'm not getting pregnant...

So here's an update...I have taken a little hiatus from my TTC After BC Board. It was a really hard thing to post...that I was struggling with congrats to new BFPs and watching people TTC for a lot shorter time pass me up. It didn't seem fair. And as my host's pregnancy is winding down (she's due in April) I just couldn't handle the reality that I have been TTC during her whole pregnancy and most likely won't be pregnant by the time she has her beautiful baby boy. I feel like I have become friends with the ladies on that board. Now I also started another board, the TTC 9+months Board....but I don't really feel as close to those ladies as I do on the other board. I have been checking on the TTC After BC Board regularly, just not posting. Which is good for me because I don't feel obligated to post.

The next update...my next ObGyn appointment is Friday morning. The Metformin alone seems to not be working. At least, it didn't last month. I still have this month. I'm about a week or so away from Oing this month. But I missed some doses of my meds while we were on vacation...so that's not good. But if this month doesn't work I will have another plan in place after my appointment. That makes me happy.

So maybe I'm not going to be the one who gets pregnant just off of meds alone. Oh well. All I have is time. Oh! And by the way...one of my girl friends from high school, who is also named Emily :) and is a year younger than me...is, yup, you guessed it, PREGNANT. She's not married, she's not even dating anyone. Ugh...

All I have is time, right?

Happy New Year! This is the year of MY PREGNANCY. 2009 is MY year.