The Only Other Pain I Have...

Besides IF is...my BACK :(

So here is the best way for me to describe it...(the whole story) I was diagnosed with sciatica in April 07. I was put on prescription drugs for a while and then just stopped taking them a little while after...so anywho...

In May 08 I finally wanted to talk about a normal medication or something my doctor could put me on for relief because it was getting a little worse. So the first thing he says is Physical Therapy...I just needed to learn some relief exercises etc. OK no big deal! So I go.....and it HURT! I asked the Physical Therapist how long it would hurt..and she said maybe a day, but I should feel better by the next appointment...so didn't happen!!!

Next thing I know...a few days later my dog got a hold of something she shouldn't have and I went to bend down to get into her cage to get it from her....and all of a sudden...PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so intense I couldn't move an inch!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stand up, I couldn't sit down, I couldn't walk...I was stuck! And I was FREAKING OUT! So I called my mom at like 1 am to come and help me...I was crying and screaming in pain...my DH even had to come home from work to help me!

So....DH and I go straight to my doctor again the next morning and tell him basically PT=bad idea!!! So he gave me hydrocodone and sent me home. Told me to take a rest from PT until I felt better and try it again. He also sent me for an MRI. I went for my second PT appointment. She immediately says "go home, this should not be hurting like this and we could hurt you worse if we try anything"

The MRI showed NOTHING. No herniated disc, no slipped disc, no bulging disc...NOTHING. The MRI nurse lady I saw was a total B**** and told me to just take 4 ibuprofen 3x a day for 2 weeks and I would feel better. I cried again...I was pissed. The ibuprofen did NOT work either. Keep in mind I also take ibuprofen everyday...so I KNOW it's not helping!

Ok...so I move on...it's nothing...basically my doctor says it looks like something I'm just going to have to tolerate. I'm ok with that....until....it happened AGAIN! My back did the EXACT SAME THING around Labor Day one night.....I was sitting at my laptop at my dining room table...just sitting...shifted my seat and BAM ......EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!!!!! Since I had experienced it before I knew what to do....I hobbled myself to the kitchen, got my oxycodone...and went to bed....I couldn't even get out of bed without help the next day. DH had to even help me go to the bathroom which is like 20 feet away from our bed :(

I didn't go to the doctor that time....I just remembered my doctor saying "your just gonna have to deal with it" so I called into work that day and felt better the next day enough to go to school.

And then (I'm almost finished!) last night...I was bending down to slip my foot into my boot (i was standing up) and BAM. I grabbed a hold of my dresser and door knob and couldn't move. I managed to open the door and yell for DH. First thing he did was give me an oxycodone and he said "thats it...we're going to the ER" I had to be put in a wheel chair. And all they gave me was 2 pain med shots in my butt and some prescriptions that were not even as strong as the ones I already had! It was a TERRIBLE experience!

So...the pain itself is in my lower back. Sometimes it shoots up to my right shoulder blade. Sometimes it shoots through my right leg (but that may just be the sciatica). I cant stand up straight because the pain is so bad. I cant do stairs....I cant stand up straight....the pain is somewhat throbbing, but more just continuous and worse when I move even the slightest.

So there's my story...I have a doctor appointment for tomorrow with my regular doctor again...I'm scared to hear the suggestion to go to a chiropractor just because I cant lie flat on hard surfaces like I had to do at PT. I don't want to re-live PT all over again!

My Sister in Law

is pregnant

AGAIN

My nephew is not yet 11 months old.

"Now all we have to do is get you pregnant! We could be pregnant together!"

Yea.....sure.

This Painful Process

This process is very painful. Both emotionally/mentally and physically. There is one thing and one thing only that I miss about being on the pill. NO PAINFUL AF! Ugh...AF came yesterday...and TORE UP MY INSIDES. I really thought I was dying. I seriously considered going to the doctor. I think by the end of the day I had taken about 15 Ibuprofen. And 2 Acetaminophen. And 1 hydrocodone. YES, I broke down and took my prescription meds. YES, it was THAT bad.

My back was hurting so bad...my stomach was hurting so bad...I was miserable all day. I had NEVER had AF pain that bad before. In a whole year ttc, AF has never hurt like that.

So...off of that subject...I went in for my B/W today! They took 6 viles of blood! Whew! Surprising, I was fine. I warned the nurse that every time I have blood drawn they usually have a hard time finding my veins and they poke me a thousand times. So I told her which one always works. And she got it the first time! Hallelujah! That was seriously the first time. So we talked while it was drawing and next thing I knew it was finished. And then I looked over and was like "My goodness!" She laughed and said "I told you I was taking a lot! She's (my obgyn) just covering all her bases!" haha

So needless to say....I cannot wait until Nov 14th. I cannot wait to get some answers. You know, surprisingly I was not upset with AFs arrival. I was practically expecting it and not for a second did I think about a pregnancy. How weird, huh? I guess I'm just coming to the realization that it probably wont happen on our own. And I guess I'm ok with that right now.

DH and I have decided that if the B/W and S/A come back normal we will work on paying off all of our outstanding medical bills before we go any further. We don't have THAT many to pay off...I just don't want to kill us. But soon :) I love saying that. It reminds me of the answer my hubby used to give me before we got engaged. I wanted to get married so bad and every time I would ask him he would say "I dunno." And then ONE TIME he answered "Soon." And we were engaged the next month! haha Oh my...the memories...I guess we're moving on to the next step...soon :)

Ob/Gyn :)

So...I LOVED my appointment! I was so afraid that my charts were going to be ignored and my concerns would be dismissed. But not at all! She was wonderful! Basically she walked in and asked a bunch of questions about me. She looked at my charts and said "Oh, yea, you have a great ovulation pattern." That was so good to hear! Then she looked over my results of the trans-vaginal u/s. She didn't seem too concerned about the small fibroid, but she said she would revisit it later if we don't find anything. Then we talked about the blood work that my family care doctor had taken. I didn't have the results with me :( DH and I were trying to remember what he had tested, but we couldn't remember everything. But I did let her know that he told me everything was normal.

So the first thing she wanted to do was to get DH tested. Thanks to my wonderful message boards...I was expecting this! And I had warned DH for a long time that from the first time we talk about IF that a S/A will be one of the first things they would want. So he's just fine with that. Then, also, since she didn't have exact answers on the B/W she wants me to come in for fasting B/W so she can get her own results and test everything that she wants tested.

So, needless to say, I am SUPER EXCITED! We're finally getting some answers!!! DH ended up breaking the news to his mom and brother that we were getting some tests done :( I was a little upset when he said it...but I guess there's not reason in hiding it from them. That's not the side of the family I was worried about! haha

DHs brother gave a few suggestions (of course!) Everyone has to have a say when you first come out about IF. So anywho....he told us that it is better for DH to orgasm first and "deposit" and then for me to orgasm after he has already "deposited" because my cervix will expand and let in more sperm? I dunno... He kept asking us if we tried OPKs (yes) and elevating my hips afterwards (yes) and then orgasm thing....so yea. Hey, it won't hurt to try, will it?

So AF is expected tomorrow :( But that's okay because I have our follow up appointment on Nov 14th to look forward to! Im going in for my B/W on Monday morning and DH is waiting to do his S/A until Friday because of his work schedule. DHs hours have changed so now he works M-TH 6:30am to 4:30pm. So we would not be able to get it to the office within 30 min during his work schedule.

Oh boy! We're finally moving forward!

"Keep moving forward" -Meet the Robinsons

The 2ww...

So I am in the 2 week wait. But actually for me...it's only 11 days...but anywho. Turns out I Oed on CD 19. Looks pretty reasonable. So the BD on Monday morning and the BD around midnight Sat/Sun should do the trick (yea right!). My temps are pretty sustained...so I'm pretty good this cycle. Not holding out hope, but Im not bummed either....not yet at least.

So Friday is my first Obgyn appointment. Of course, Ive had them in the past....but this one is the "grown up-time to see what's going on" appointment. I am going to take my charts. I am also going to tell her that I am expecting AF on Sunday...so hey, if we're gonna do some meds or anything (fingers crossed) then she may as well go ahead and give them to me so I get them started right away! But really all Im planning on doing is taking my charts...and letting her know what I did before that....and letting her know the results of my transvag. and bloodwork. That way we don't waste time testing things that have already been tested.

I am just hoping we can get the ball rolling...no sense in wasting time...That BFP has been waited for long enough!

O Day!

I believe my O day has come and gone. I think it was CD 18, Monday. I had a positive OPK at 4 pm on Sunday afternoon....so DH and I BDed Monday morning around 9 am. I think that is really the only BD that will count this cycle :( We als BDed at around 1 am Sunday morning...but that was before my pos OPK, so who knows!!!

It is funny how predictable my cycles are becoming. I have Oed now on CD 21 twice, and CD 18 once. And this cycle I think was CD 18 again. Last cycle was so devastating. FF said I Oed on CD 16 and I believed it. Crazy! I know my body sooo well know! I knew when my temps went back into 96 degree range I had not Oed yet. However, I let my hopes get up. FF had never been wrong before...so hope was there. My "chart stalkers" (Sylance!) on my message board just "knew" this was it...and yet it wasn't :( The second my temps went up again last cycle I knew my O date was wrong. So have decided to pay more attention to my body and my personal feelings before I trust FF completely.

This cycle has been the same...pretty much. I have used the temp corrector a hundred times this cycle! For some reason I have been woken up or had to wake up earlier than usual. So honestly, I can't go by my temps right now...things have just been getting in the way. But because now I feel like I know my body so well...I know I've Oed already...even if FF ends up getting confused. I have had CM like always, I had a pos OPK, I had a temp rise (sorta), and now CM is gone. I Oed on CD 18...I know it.

But this cycle I am bummed. I think because it has been the "same old, same old" type of cycle. I know I won't be pregnant. If this cycle is it, why didn't the others work? They've all been the roughly the same since I started charting. We always had good timed BD...I even stayed still afterwards the majority of the time. So why would this one be any different??

Let's just hope this is it. :(

So it's been a week

So I figured I would write something again...a lot has happened. Two more girls on my message board got their BFPs...it's STILL not me :(

I am in my "fertile window" right now. Started seeing watery CM Friday...DH and I have only BDed once. For some reason this time around I don't feel like telling him anything. I feel like if we decide to BD then that's okay; and if we don't, that's okay too. The problem with me is that I KNOW now when I am ovulating...I have been paying attention to my body's signs for so long now that I just KNOW. So it is terribly hard to not say anything. It's also terribly hard for me to not think about it and notice it.

In 2 weeks I will know...AF will show up...or I will finally get my long awaited BFP.

Yesterday was the fall festival at my old K-8 school. Me and BFF have run the alumni booth since we graduated the 8th grade in '01. This was our 8th year. We saw a bunch of our old class members who wandered over to the booth to say hey and catch up for a minute. One of those was a girl who had gone to school with us since Kindergarten. She got married 2 weeks before me and DH. She is also 6 months pregnant. She looked sooooo pregnant. And I was sooooo jealous. She was telling me how this was the first day she had been out for so long and how tired she was...she was huge! And I couldn't stop telling her how happy I was for her. And yet...I so wanted it to me this year...the one that everyone runs up to because they haven't seen me in a year...and I hear "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant!" And I go through the motions of telling them how far along I am, and how tired I am, and how excited I am....but not this year. Maybe next year....But hey, I hope to be pregnant now...which means I will have already had the baby by the next festival...

Well, there you have it. My goal. I want to have a baby, or at least be pregnant by next year's fall festival. Fingers crossed.

Congrats! But not for me...

Well...today another girl on my message board got her BFP!!!!! I am SO EXCITED for her! She has been ttc for over a year and had almost lost hope...but then she got it! Woohoo! But every time this happens it is bitter sweet. Someone is pregnant....and it's not me...again. I also found out that a lady that I go to church with is pregnant...with her third! OMG...WHY ME?!?!?! Why can't I just get my BFP and move on...? It's so unfair! She has had her 2nd and now pregnant with her 3rd since we've been trying. Wow.

Time For a Change

I have decided to make some changes to my body. For the better of course! I realized today that I have gained about 100 pounds since I met DH when I was 17. Well...basically I want to get down to a reasonable, healthy size. I am 5'10". My close friends that actually do know how much I weigh are surprised when they hear the number. "I never would have thought!" or "You sure don't look like it!" My simple response is "It's 'cause I'm tall." And yeah, it is. I am able to carry weight better because of my height. However, the down side is I really tend to carry my weight all in my stomach. Not in my butt, my thighs, hips...nope! Not me! Even being big I don't get blessed with the "right" curves! haha. But when I started thinking about this...I realized. Huh, this may be affecting my fertility. I didn't really think about it because overweight women get pregnant all the time. But...I don't carry my weight all over. I carry it right in the middle. I have skinny legs, my arms aren't that big....it's all in my stomach! So I guess my goal is...to just work it off. I'm not gonna stress about it. I'm just going to make an extra effort to walk at my local park with my friend every chance I get. Since I recently went down to "sub" status at my work, I'm pretty much off work until I get called in. So I am taking this time to improve my fitness...a little bit at a time. Total...I think I have to lose about 87 pounds to get down to a healthy weight for my height. But I have a really cranky scale...so there's no telling how accurate it is. I think I will base most of my success by my new found energy rather than the number on the scale.