Emmy's Thoughts

I Dont Post Enough. I Have BIG News.

2010-03-10T15:03:00.000-08:00

OMG Girls I must must must get the internet turned on at my house already! I am going to need your support now more than ever.

I

AM

PREGNANT.

AGAIN.

Yup. You didnt read that wrong. I'm pregnant. About 7 weeks. NOT PLANNED AT ALL! I was on the mini pill so I could breastfeed. I took that darn pill every day didnt miss a single one at the exact same time everyday too! I took a test last night at midnight. It came up positive so fast. I cried. and cried. and cried.

My last period was January 18th. I didnt have a period at all in February but I didnt think anything of it because I had just had a baby and I knew my cycle needed to readjust itself. Then I started the new pack this month and was starting the 2nd week and Joel told me he thought I was pregnant. I said that was NOT funny! Its totally normal to skip a period right after having a baby. (right?!) I didnt feel pregnant at all. I was on the pill.

Then we all got the stomach bug going around. You know the puking and diarrhea and whatnot. It was awful. Then Joel gets better...and I dont. Guess who comes home with a pregnancy test? Yup. I said sure I'll take it (I KNEW I wasnt pregnant). Then I started freaking out at the what ifs.

Joel and I had talked about having more kids. IN 3 YEARS. I would stay on the pill til then. If he was the only child we ever had, we would be fine. If we got pregnant again, great, but again...hes enough. So the what ifs of "OMG I would have 2 babies under the age of 1" and "OMG I would have 2 in diapers" and "OMG last Thanksgiving I had no children and this Thanksgiving I would have 2!" and "OMG I would have to stay home forever!" and "OMG I wanted Eli to be the baby for a long time!" and "OMG I dont want to be sick while taking care of a baby" and "OMG OMG O.....M.....G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

So then I didnt want to take the test. But Joel told me just to take it so that way we know either way. So I took it. I knew it was going to be negative. And it wasnt. The pregnancy line came up before the control line. I just sat there. I was like OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Then I started saying "no no no no no no no no." When Joel finally realized it was really positive...I started crying. Not just crying, BAWLING. I'm really not sure why. I think its just that I really wanted to enjoy just Eli by himself for a long while. I wanted so bad to be pregnant and I got that and now I have my beautiful baby boy and life is just perfect. I was NOT ready for this. NOT ready at ALL.

I cried all night long. I wasnt ready to be pregnant again. I called my mom and just cried and cried. She told me it would be ok and we know it wasnt in our plan, but GODS plan.

Yes. Gods plan. Sometimes I wish he would let me know what hes thinking. Maybe I could reason with him. I mean not only was I not TRYING to get pregnant again, I was PREVENTING with birth control. I wasnt ready. But God had other plans. I had a friend tell me "Well you know how long it took you to get pregnant with Eli. You never know what other complications you could have down the road. Maybe this is Gods way of giving you the blessing of having more than one child now when you may not be able to later."

I am truly overwhelmed. I never wanted to be "that" woman. I'm gonna be the girl that gets the "fertile myrtle" jokes. Thats not fair. The struggle I went through to get my precious Eli is going to be overlooked by the sudden pregnancy of this unexpected little one.

I want to say I'm happy because every pregnancy is a blessing. Every baby is a blessing. I am just not prepared for the sickness and taking care of Eli. Or having another baby a month before Eli's first birthday. Hes not going to have a single birthday to himself. Hes not going to know what its like to be my first born.

Ok I'm crying again. I dont want to say I'm upset that I'm pregnant again. I will take as many children as the Lord will bless me with. I just wish he didnt think I was strong enough to take on 2 children 11 months apart.

And now I'm already struggling with the problem all moms face with another pregnancy "How can I love another baby as much as I already love my baby now?" I know I will love this baby. I'm just not super exstatic about this pregnancy just yet. I wanted to know what it was like to tell Eli that mommy was having a baby and explain to him that there's a baby in mommy's tummy. I wanted to have the cute pictures of him talking to his baby brother or baby sister in my belly. Hes barely going to be able to talk at all by the time this baby is here!

I'm also afraid that I wont pay as much attention to Eli once the new baby is here. And he will still be young and he deserves that attention. I dont want to get frustrated with him because I'm having to take care of a newborn at the same time. I dont want to not play with him because I'm busy with the other baby.

This is NOT what I wanted. This is NOT what I had planned at all. If anyone has any prayers out there to spare...send them my way.

Breastfeeding Woes and Staying Home

2010-01-09T15:17:00.000-08:00

First off let me start with...WOW I LOVE MY SON!

I honestly never thought motherhood could be this great...and even then, I wanted to be a mom. Now, I cant even explain in words how much I love being a mom. Everything little thing is amazing. Every little thing is worth it.

Every single diaper change, bath, nap, book reading, talking, rocking....it is all perfect and amazing.

Here is my one, single, tiny, yet seriously huge.....problem. Breastfeeding.

I wanted to breast feed so bad. Seriously. I went to classes, read books, talked to other successful BF mothers, talked to lactation consultants, bought a pump, bought nursing bras and tank tops. I did it all...I was super prepared for sleepless nights and sore nipples.

But somewhere along the lines it became difficult. But not on my part...not even on my son's part...it was the drs part. Here's where it started....they had me start supplementing when he was 2 days old. They had me continue supplementing until his drs appt at 2 weeks. This is where it fell apart.

I started taking Fenugreek. I kept a 2 liter bottle of water with me at all times. I made sure I ate enough calories. And most importantly...I PUT HIM TO THE BREAST EVERY TIME.

What I hate is the fact that I heard the same thing from everyone...women who breastfed, the lactation consultant with his pedi, the lactation consultant with the health dept, etc. They all said "Put him to the breast." Always offer the breast first. Let him eat, then supplement. You know what started happening? He would latch on, eat a minute, unlatch, cry, latch, unlatch, cry, latch, unlatch, cry...until 30 minutes later and I would give him the supplement. He got nothing from my breast. He was smart enough to know that if he waited long enough he would get the bottle. *SIGH*

When he was about 3-4 weeks old I got a call from a friend of mine from BZ. She had just given birth to her daughter (we're on the same due date club) and she had been exclusively breastfeeding since she was 45 minutes old. I was so jealous. She told me about a supplement she used with her first child called More Milk Plus. I havent taken it...only because I am already taking Fenugreek and it's the main ingredient. She suggested that I give it 2 days. I was leaking and able to express milk with my hand. We knew that my supply was there. 2 days of nothing but breast.

I did it. It didnt work. My son was on my chest literally all day except for diaper changes. No joke. He was never satisfied. He slept for maybe 30 minutes at a time. It was awful. We went back to the bottle.

So where did the problem start? Maybe the fact that I didnt get to breast feed him until he was a few hours old? They rushed him off after I had him to check him and didnt bring him back until he was about 4 hours old. Is it because we didnt have a good latch and the LC with the hospital didnt notice? He would breastfeed for an hour non stop while in the hospital. Was it the bottle? DH and I decided to the bottle once we got home because it took waaaay to long to hook my boob up to the little tube with formula just to breast feed him when it didnt work anyway.

So here are my questions: Did I give up too easily? Is it too late to try again?

Here are my concerns:

#1: I have never gotten more than 1/2 an ounce when I have pumped. This makes me think I have milk, but not enough.

#2: I have never experienced engorgement. NEVER.

#3: I cannot hand express any milk after he has been latched on for just a few minutes.

#4: He only stays on the breast for up to 15 minutes and the very occasional 30 minutes. Usually around 5-10 minutes, though. Then he unlatches and cries and tries to latch back on with a big wide mouth and a bopping head. When he does get latched back on, he's only on for another second and back off again.

#5: Even if it seems he was eating well, when he unlatches he cries and roots around like he is still hungry. If I offer the breast again, we repeat #4.

#6: After what I think was a good breastfeeding, he happily takes 2-4oz of formula. And I'm not talking just takes it...I'm talking no spit up, no falling asleep while eating...he was hungry, and he ate!

Here are my reasons for hope that I might be able to start again:

#1: I leak. Not a lot, but I do.

#2: He still roots towards my chest (or anyone's for that matter) when he is hungry. Obviously he knows he can still get SOME from me.

#3: He still has a good latch. I have never had sore nipples from a shallow latch. No cracking or anything! And I can see him swallowing.

#4: Maybe the most important point...I still want to breastfeed. He needs that comfort...and so do I.

If anyone has any suggestions, besides the one that annoys me :) please offer any advice. I feel so guilty for giving up, but I just didnt know what to do.

Now for the better update...we are doing sooooo well! I LOVE staying home with him! We read books together and I swear he keeps his mouth open the entire time I'm reading like he wants to talk to me! He smiled at me for the first time the other day while we were reading The Little Engine that Could. He was so cute that I was laughing outloud while trying to read!

He loves his swing...he was little bear mobile on it that he likes to look at while swinging. He only likes the swing on the highest setting. I think it helps with gas and it rocks him to sleep.

We also had to hang up some 0-3 month size clothing last week. He was around 5 weeks when we pulled it out. It was mainly the full body outfits that he needed bigger because he's so long! He still cant even fit in most of his newborn size pants...they're still too big!

*And right here is where we took a break to try to breast feed because my sleeping baby became a hungry baby. Unfortunately, he would not latch on the left breast at all...and he latched on to the right breast for like 30 seconds. My mom's feeding him right now :(

So theres a little update from us! I absolutely love being at home with him and I'm already crying just thinking about how much he has grown! We got pics taken on the 31st as a family and did some newborn pics. I'll have to post some soon!

CONGRATULATIONS to Brooke on the arrival of Colton! Just in time for Christmas! I'm a little envious of those of you who had your little ones early! Eli was nice and comfy in my belly for a long time!

Crazy Update! Eli is here!

2009-12-20T18:42:00.001-08:00

So I guess pictures are coming first! Here are my last pregnancy pics taken on Black Friday at 39 weeks, pictures from the hospital, and pictures from our first Sunday at church!

WOW I cant believe it has been 3 months since I have been able to blog! :(

Since the move we have not had internet and basically....cant afford it. Luckily, my mom is now just down the street...so hopefully I can be back for good! :)

So where do I start? How do I put the last 3 months into one good blog?! Well, I cant...so I'll get to the best part...my son, Elijah Joel...is HERE! He is with us! I have waited so long to be a mom and I've got to say...it is WONDERFUL! It is better than I ever dreamed! He is amazing!

So here's the story, short and sweet...

He was born Dec 1st at 3:59am. He weighed 8lbs .8oz and was 21 in long. He has a head full of dark brown hair, blue eyes, and his daddy's dimples!

On Nov. 30th I was going in for my 39 week appt. I was actually 39 weeks on black friday...but my Obs office was closed, so I had to wait til Monday. I went in and my blood pressure was elevated. They sent me to triage to be monitored. Of course, I was already 39 weeks and 3 days...so I was kinda hoping to be induced...and I was right! After being monitored for 3 hours, my DH called into work and the on call dr came in and said he thought the risk of continuing the pregnancy with the risk of preeclampsia was way worse then going ahead and starting pitocin! Alright!

So we started the pitocin at 4pm, broke my water at 6pm, started contracting and got the epidural at 8pm. It took an hour to get the epidural in. It was the most pain I have ever felt in my entire life. It felt like I was being stabbed to death. I was contracting and the stupid lady kept going way too far to the right side and it took her 3 tries to get it in. I'm still honestly not sure if it was even worth the whole one hour of no pain I got from it. I was able to sleep for 45 minutes and then the contractions started again. I should have known to ask for an increase in meds at that point even though it wasnt hurting...because by the time it was hurting I still had to wait another hour for the stupid woman to come increase my dose! But, out of the 12 hours of labor...I was really only in pain for about 3. One when the contractions first started, one for the epidural (OMG), and one when the contractions came again while waiting for the increased dose.

The pushing was my most favorite part! He was sooo head down that I pushed one time with the nurse and she told me to stop and she went to go get the dr! It took about 3 contractions and 5 minutes and he was out! The cord was wrapped around his neck, but nothing serious! Pushing didnt hurt....I actually enjoyed it! I tore, but I didnt feel it and it didnt hurt...I was sore for about a week after...but nothing too bad at all!

He made his appearance at 3:59am! He was absolutely beautiful! No problems at all!

When he was 2 days old they came in and told me he was jaundice and that I needed to start supplementing. I was VERY upset about this because I was determined to breastfeed! They hooked me up to the formula tube so we could try that while he breastfed...but I gave in and started giving him a bottle. Breastfeeding is the only thing I have cried about since he has come home. We are still supplementing, but I have started taking fenugreek to try to increase my milk supply and I'm about to take the plunge to take him off the bottle completely. It will be a struggle because I believe he has gotten used to breastfeeding first, and then getting the bottle. So when he doesnt get the bottle afterwards, he's going to be mad. So I will just have to put him back on the breast and deal with the fussing. Wish me luck!

I really hope I can still keep up with this blog...I have missed my friends! Brooke and B MoM...I cannot believe I have missed the tail end of you journeys! I really felt so bonded with you guys since we were so close in our pregnancies. B, Kaua is GORGEOUS! And Brooke...I cannot wait to see Colton! Your maternity pics are BEAUTIFUL! I wish I had had some done, but you make an absolutely gorgeous pregnant lady! :) I have missed you guys so much!

Catching Up

2009-09-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

Well...seems I have a lot to catch up on here! It feels like I NEVER have the time to update!

So where to start? Let's start at my appointment on Wednesday....

I was sooooo irritated with this appointment. My app was at 10:30am. DH and I got there at 10:20am. We watched every person that was there before go back. Then we watched everyone that came in AFTER us go back. It was 11:05am before we got called back. My drs office moved floors and so they have been in a big adjustment. But come on! The lady did my weight...thats a whole 'nother problem...and sent my DH to another waiting room while I peed in a cup. Then she took me back to the room at took my blood pressure, which was good...as usual. Without DH. After doing all this, then she goes to get him. Then we wait. Not too long...but a good 10 minutes. I was meeting the other midwife with my practice for the first time. I did NOT like her at ALL! This was my appointment...play by play...

Midwife: Hello!

Me: Hi!

Midwife: I'm Sharon, nice to meet you!

Me: Nice to finally meet you too!

Midwife: I see you've already had your Rhogam shot...why so early?

Me: I came in for another U/S for pictures of his heart and I guess they just thought lets go ahead and get it over with!

Midwife: Ok great! (Feels my tummy, starts the doppler...)

(HEARTBEAT, HEARTBEART, HEARTBEAT)

Midwife: Ok heartrate is in the 140s and we like it between 120 and 160..so thats good. Ok, see you in 2 weeks!

Me: Um, actually I am really concerned about the sudden swelling I have had in my hands and face and feet and my rapid weight gain all of a sudden.

Midwife: (Looking at my chart, not my feet, hands, or face) Well, you've gained a total of 36 pounds so far, so youre pushing it. We dont really like to see it over 40. When its over 40 there is an increased risk for (x,y,z...blah blah blah.) Plus there was no protein in your urine and your blood pressure is great...so it's most likely nothing.

Me: Well, actually my starting weight on this chart is NOT where I normally am. It's almost 10 pounds under where I am normally.

Midwife: Ok, well, around 26 pounds then you just want to be careful. Are you drinking a lot of juice or soda?

Me: I drink apple juice a lot. No soda.

Midwife: Ok, well cut out the juice completely because its empty calories and walk 3 times a week.

Me: Well, my concern is that NOTHING has changed in my diet and exercise...my job is very active working with kids, I dont just sit there and get fat. My weight gain has been good so far with just 2-4 pounds a month and then all of a sudden 6 pounds at each of my last 2 appointments!

Midwife: Just cut out the juice and make sure youre exercising. See you in 2 weeks!

Me: Um, is it ok if I try to get back on Friday appointments? Would you prefer that I do one week 1/2 appointment or let the next one go 2 1/2 weeks?

Midwife: 2 1/2 weeks should be fine, just call if you have more than 4 contractions in an hour. You're not having bad contractions are you?

Me: Um, no, I dont think so.

Midwife: Ok, then 2 1/2 weeks it is!

(and out she goes)

I was FREAKING PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I told DH if she was looking at my chart she would SEE that I have PCOS and that works against me weight wise...should I go back on Metformin? My favorite nurse midwife told me it didnt matter if I did or not, so I'm thinking if I have another grand weight gain at my next appointment, I'm going to go back on it. But seriously, stop drinking juice and exercise?!?! Come on! Oh, I forgot to mention that during the doppler I asked her how big he was and she said there was too much fluid to tell and it was too early. Um, 29 1/2 weeks is too early to give me an estimate?! She said normally at 29 weeks they are about 3 pounds. I said he was already 2 pounds at my U/S at 24 1/2 weeks. (Do the math...that was 5 weeks ago) And she says "Then he's probably about 3 or 4 pounds now.

Ok...moving on. My next appointment is now Oct 9th at 32 weeks. I am 30 weeks today. My aunt and I had lunch together the other day to make baby shower plans! It will be at her church's basement (same as my bridal shower) on Oct. 11th. We are also making it a family shower...so its co-ed. That means DH will be there and my 2 best friends can come...and basically a bunch of guys can come too! I'm really excited! As many people as we are inviting (Im only having this ONE shower...so we're trying to get EVERYONE in) it is going to be a blast! I just desperately need to update our registry! We only have like 5 things on it! I got soooo worn out when we tried to do it in the store...so I'm just gonna try to do it online. I can't wait!

Housing situation update...we are now going to try to talk to the mortgage company and see if they will work with us. With DH and I both working the jobs we are now we can make payments. The only downside is I will NOT be working soon...so needless to say we are still looking at rental houses and are actually going to see 2 more this weekend. After all this drama I finally talked to MIL for the first time in like a month. I have been so resentful of her for not giving us the rental house. But she called and left a message for me to tell DH something, so I called her to let her know that I would tell him and then she just wanted an update on the little one.

Work has finally settled down. My boss is not nearly being as big a b*tch as she was before because I am looking more and more pregnant. Plus, all the little kids can feel Eli move on the outside, so of course she had to feel too...there is something so awkward about so many people touching your belly at once...but it was funny. I am just hoping and praying that I can really make it to Thanksgiving break. We REALLY need the money. Unless I am put on strict bedrest for some reason...or actually HAVE THE KID before then...then I am working right up until my EDD. Ugh...even though I want to quit NOW. lol

I am quite exhausted. My feet hurt and my hands hurt from swelling so badly. My heartburn is so bad I have it almost 24/7. I am taking Zantac 150...not 75. I was just taking ONE at night to get me through the night and then using milk to make is subside during the day. But today when I woke up it was SO BAD I took a pill AND threw up. And drank a ton of milk through the day at work. Those little 4 oz milks from school cafeterias are amazing! :)

So not much more to report here except that DH and I are just doing sooo much better stress wise...not that anything has changed to make the stress go away...just that we're learning to deal with it better. I just want some answers. So please continue to pray for us...and BMoM, thanks for all the links! I studied them intently! That is, in fact, how we have come to terms with the fact that maybe, just maybe, we can keep the house!

Now I will leave you with my 29 week belly pic. I havent taken my 30 week one yet today...that will come next time!

So Tired!

2009-09-18T18:32:00.001-07:00

Well, I missed my dr appointment this morning. Actually, DH and I had a "morning in." LOL! We were both SO tired! I just called to reschedule. I just couldnt go...drive and wait...for only 10 minutes with the dr. Ugh. So I will go next week.

I have been working A TON of hours. Now, to most people my "ton" is not nearly a lot. I work 4 hours a day. 20 a week. Not much. But ohhhhh....its enough for me!

I have to have 2o hours of training a year. These training hours are coming due at the end of October. I work for a DHS approved child care center. So these are pretty important. I had only worked since May though...I had to take off from Jan to May for my internship with school. I worked all summer at a different center, our center was closed for the summer because we didnt have enough students. So needless to say...I have no gotten ANY hours. So all of a sudden I have a new boss (a previous coworker) and she informs me that I have 2 months to get all 20 hours of training. It has been incredibly stressful. She has been in the same job position as me (co workers), an assistant director at a different site, and now she is the director at our site. I like her. Dont get me wrong. But she has come in and tried to get everything PERFECT, where as my previous boss let A LOT of things slip.

In fact, there are plenty of things we have been doing now that I didnt even have CLUE we were supposed to be doing! So I have actually somewhat enjoyed knowing that we are actually doing what we are supposed to! But that in turn has caused a lot of stress...and I think she has taken it a little too far at times. She told me I needed to get those training hours...of course I have no problem doing this! Duh! If someone had told me sooner I would have had no problem doing them! She proceeds to tell me that if I dont get all my hours...I will not be able to work. That is NOT fair. I am going to EVERY SINGLE TRAINING that is offered in my area. It is NOT my fault that my previous boss NEVER brought up this issue...so I had no idea it even was a problem. (And FYI I have worked here since May 08 and last year I went to ONE training for 6 hours and did NOT lose my job) So I have for the past few weeks been going to extra hours of training. That's work...plus, we have our assessment coming up on Monday (yikes!) and I went in 4 hours early yesterday to get prepared. I worked 8 straight hours. Now granted, my job is NOT hard, but by the time I came home my back was hurting so bad that I was doing the "granny shuffle" to my kitchen. I couldnt even walk.

That's another thing...this new boss has no problem telling me she thinks I'm incompetent. She is constantly complaining because I'm always sitting...or not doing something else she thinks needs to be done. In fact, today, I was setting up my learning centers (areas for the kids to play) and my co worker, our only other employee at our site) did not have his centers finished. Mine were done, so I went ahead and kept setting up a few of his. I set up 2 of his 5. I also set up 5 of my own. I felt I was finished and it was not my responsibility to continue setting up...so I sat down and starting going through my paper work. My boss then preceeds to say "Emily, can you go to the stage (our storage area) and get the 2 folding chairs and put one in reading and resting and one in L.I.T?" I said "Uh, I guess...but my centers are finished. Those are Jonathan's." Now, keep in mind, me and my coworkers are friends. We all get along. Jonathan says he'll go get them and my boss does this little "huff." Well, I dont care. Not my center, not my responsibility. Plus, the fact that I help Jonathan lift our cart FULL of games everyday onto and off of the stage when I should NOT be lifting and bending...and she doesnt offer to do that. I could care less.

Well, at our staff meeting she gives us an agenda of things going on. Things to improve on, things we're doing well, etc etc. One bullet on the agenda was that we NEED to set up learning centers faster. I said "Laurel, I'm getting mine done. I dont mind to help, but we split them evenly. And mine are always done and always have what they need." Her response? "I know. It's just that when you see something that needs to be done...it would be nice if you would do it. Plus one of us has to be in here with Kindergarten at all times." I'm thinking...yea! I know that! Oh...and btw...she gives herself NOTHING to set up :) In fact, we sat down and split the centers evenly for a reason. Jonathan got the heavier centers and I got the game boards, table games and things like that. So really...even if I see something that needs to be done..I'm not about to do it if it requires me to bend over or carry something heavy.

Basically what I'm getting at is that Laurel just doesnt understand that there are things I just cant do or am not willing to do. I HATE lifting all that at the beginning and ending of the day. It takes us like 2 sec! I wish she would just do it and let me sit with the kids. But she doesnt get that it is too much. She comments ALL THE TIME about how I am constantly sitting...she just has NO IDEA how uncomfortable I am and how I am truly in PAIN sometimes! In fact, she has even said "Emily, there are nurses out there that are pregnant that are on their feet 12 hours a day...you can stand up." My response? "Yes, I'm sure there are...and I'm sure they're wishing they could sit down!" Sheesh...what I cant wait for is for the day I have to quit because its too much. I told her I am planning on leaving over Thanksgiving break. Basically, we go on break and I just dont come back. But that is a week before my due date...so it is very possible that I will have to leave sooner. Who knows.

So moving on from yet ANOTHER stressor in my life...LOL. My son is quite the mover and shaker! I have finally been feeling him move since around 25 weeks. MUCH later than I wanted, but with the anterior placenta and the fact that was overweight to begin with....I was not surprised. But since then I have felt him on a regular basis! He moves most at night when I first lay down...like he's trying to get comfy! He moves a lot in the evening when I am in my recliner. I feel him periodically throughout the day...and I LOVE IT. I just love, love, love it. I am guessing that he is about 4 to 4 1/2 pounds now. He was already 2 pounds when I was 24 weeks 5 days. And then he starts gaining like crazy around 28 weeks...something like 1 pound every 16 days or so...so I'm just guessing. I'll ask when I go back to the dr.

My heartburn has become soooo bad that over the counter things are just not helping. I'm going to ask about a perscription. I also still have that INCREDIBLE pain my right side on my back where my kidney is. I am going to ask about hydronephrosis or what it may be caused by. Other than that, everything is going quite smoothly.

I guess considering how everything BUT my pregnancy is completely out of control and stressful...I have to count it as a HUGE blessing :)

Blah Blah Blah

2009-09-14T16:40:00.001-07:00

That's exactly how I feel!

For the past...oh, I dunno, week or so...I have felt completely and totally overwhelmed. I have seriously stressed out and cried and complained...so much, that I just dont even have the energy to continue!

DH and I had yet another one of our "discussions" about our housing situation...and once again, it escalated to tears and hurt feelings. We are both just so overwhelmed with the SAME problems and DIFFERENT ways of handling them. Honestly, when we reach a certain point in our talks...there is just no need to continue. If I take offense at something...I automatically do not want the conversation to continue because I am immediately on defense and "fighting." The same goes for him...he gets a thought in him head and runs it in the ground and gets to the point that he does NOT want my opinion. We both just need to learn when to stop. But for some reason we keep going. I dont know if its stress or what...but there is just no good in a conversation going down the road it's been going. I guess we both feel like if we dont talk about now, when will we? But I think it's gonna be better solved through small talks. If we talk too much, we get too stressed. Ugh.......

So here's the latest on this situation. MIL got a certified letter in the mail to her PO box. She has yet to go and pick it up. It's from her mortgage company. She thinks its a letter to inform her the foreclosure process has begun on her rental property. DH and I think she is CRAZY for not picking up this letter immediately. If she has already entered foreclosure, those little old ladies she has in that house have LESS than a month to get out now! And they dont have a clue! I dont think they would...but they would have every right to sue her for breech of contract for not giving them 30 day notice!!! Our latest plan was to "save" MIL from foreclosure and use my inheritance money to pay her up to date and use that as our first and last months rent. Use the rest of my inheritance to pay for my class and to fix our transmission on our Isuzu. Our only problem still in the way was getting MIL to actually TELL the ladies they had to move and giving us a firm OK that we could move in. However, last night...DH went down this road....

He wants to KEEP our house. He is mad at us for not fighting harder to keep it after all we did to get it. He claims that if he works a 40 hour a week job and a part time job and if I work a 40 hour a week job after baby...we will be able to keep it. I have a problem with this. When DH and I first got married he was working INSANE hours and we never got time together. The time we DID get together was spent fighting over nonsense...secretly because we just missed each other. I do NOT want to go to that point again. Especially because a baby will be in the picture this time. I want DH to have time to enjoy Eli growing up. I dont want him to turn around one day and go "where did the time go?" and regret working so much. I do not think this house is worth that. But when I asked DH what he would do about spending time with his family he just said "I would spend every second I had to be with my family." As great as that sounds...I just think it would be SO stressful and not worth it in the long run. I would rather sell and move and both of us work full time jobs and still have enough time for family.

His next idea was to...omg...offer the ladies that live in his mother's rental house right now...to rent out our basement. Again, I have a problem with this. DH sees this a solution for everything...he wouldnt have to work a 2nd job so he would get to be home more AND we would get to keep the house. I brought up the fact that the ladies are extremely elderly and the only access they would have to the kitchen is going upstairs. Then he said we could rent them our other 2 bedrooms and we (and Eli) stay in our bedroom. The basement and the living room/dining room/kitchen would be the area that we share. We would get to keep our dogs. I do not like the idea of having strangers living in my house. If I am keeping my house, I do not want to share it. I do not want it to feel like dorm life where you cant walk out of your bedroom without a bra on. I do not want to live in my own basement. (That was another option...we move our stuff to the downstairs since we are still able to use the stairs). I would rather move to the rental house, still have my own (smaller, but still private) space and start over. I want to sell the house. It was great when we could afford it. It's been a great first home. Granted, we bought it to "grow" into...but we could sooo fit in a smaller space. I want to cut my loses and start over. Less house, less stress. Even with him working 2 jobs and me working a full time job...we would be living paycheck to paycheck. If we moved to the rental house and we both worked full time jobs, we could save, put back...and live more comfortably without as much stress on bills. We would be close to my mom and sister for support and help with watching the baby. I cant believe I'm saying it, but I was actually looking forward to the move. Even if we had to foreclose...it would be a fresh start.

But I just dont feel like going down this road again with DH. The truth is, I am his wife...and I ultimately have to give it up to him. I will follow him where ever. Even if I am miserable. There's a point where I just have to give up.

The latest pregnancy news is that with all the stress I am going through I am having Braxton Hicks contractions. And the urge to poop (TMI!) a lot. Baby has been moving around like crazy (FINALLY!) for the past few weeks (started around 25 weeks that I could really feel him...stupid anterior placenta!). I love love love feeling him move! I think I may have hydronephrosis...where there is a pressure blockage on my ureter to my kidney that causes discomfort. This is what the on call dr told me. I'll find out at my appointment Friday if I get an U/S of my kidney. And OMG heartburn! Milk, tums, mylanta...NOTHING is working. I took TWO pepcid the other day and that was the FIRST time I had had relief. Needless to say, I will have to ask about a prescription at my appointment also. What else? Swelling...of my hands mostly...and my feet when Im in the shower. Sciatic pain in my left thigh is worse. Like frostbite. And I....am....TIRED. I have seriously never felt this fatigued the entire pregnancy. I could seriously sleep ALLLLLLL day. Oh, and nausea is back. I threw up the other day for the first time since I had the flu at 24 weeks. Ugh...I thought I had paid my dues! Grrr.

Sorry to have such a depressing post, but in all honesty...I'm really struggling. I will update with stats from my next appointment! Friday! I'll be 29 weeks! WOW! Getting sooooo close!

A Lot Going On!

2009-09-06T10:24:00.000-07:00

So I had my appointment Friday...all is well! I have now started my every 2 week appointments! I was VERY surprised by this! It was a VERY quick appointment to check on the little guy...and then off we went! I believe this is what they will be like from now on...

We have our Super Saturday child birth class and hospital tour on the 19th! I'm VERY excited about this! DH and I have actually not really been around the hospital except for my Ob's office...so that part alone will be helpful. It's free for us on Medicaid too! :) Yay!

Yesterday was UTs first game of the season! We beat Western Kentucky 63 to 7! It was coach Kiffin's first game, and he proved himself worthy! We'll have to see if we keep it up. I was NOT feeling well yesterday and we ran all over the place! I told DH "I remember a time where I was the one always wanting to go somewhere and now I dont want to and youre dragging me all over the place!" We went to his cousin's house to watch the game...then came home and rested for about 2 or 3 hours...then out again to DHs best friends house 30 minutes away just to hang out. We watched a movie and ate dinner. That whole stinkin day my back was KILLING me!

Let me tell you about this back pain...it's on my right side...where my kidney is. It's not like excrutiating pain, but it got really annoying and worse. I had DH rubbing my back for what seems like all day. I couldnt stretch it out, I couldnt rub it out...I couldnt get rid of it! It even got so bad that I called the nurse line for my Ob. I was able to talk to a dr that explained it didnt sound like a kidney stone because I am not having any urinary symptoms...it more sounded like the uterus was pressing on my kidney and a nerve and that I would probably get relief by laying on the other side. If it got worse, or progressed until Tuesday...I should come in. It still hurts, but it is very bearable...like a 2 or 3 on the pain scale, give or take. Regardless...this is one lady that just wants to stay home for crying out loud!

In fact, just now DH came to me and told my BIL wants us to come out for lunch! I'm like 'NO! I was running around ALL DAY yesterday and I just want to stay HOME!" Sheesh! What bugs me the most is that WE always have to GO somewhere...no one can come to US! Although that would stress me out on a whole new level because I dont want anyone in my house! lol

On the house front/job front with DH...no news. We are REALLY upset that we sacrificed all this time for DH to get this "great job" at the end and we have seen NOTHING. This coming week will start week 2 after completing training. DH has interviews set up with jobs that have NOTHING to do with this training. We are both very very mad. We are also having to make plans for losing our house. If DH gets a job it would have to pay at LEAST what he was making before for us to be able to stay here. He is NOT going to find something like that. So our plan is to have him get a job making about 5 to 7 dollars less an hour and we will move. We will try to sell this house, but if it doesnt sell we will go into foreclosure. We will be moving into a rental house that his parents own. We will be paying them HALF of what we pay for this house. If we cannot sell this house, we will have to be out by Nov 25th. MIL would also have to give her now tenants a 30 day notice. We have given her until Friday to make up her mind. If she decides to give them their 30 day notice, then we are moving. So that would put it at Oct. 11th that we could start moving into the other house. It is much smaller...2 bedroom 1 bath...our house now is 3 bedroom, 3 bath. It is only 2 blocks away from my mom...MUCH closer to my family than DHs family. But right now we're not really close to either one of our families. I cannot wait to have a definite answer from MIL so I can start planning.

Needless to say, I have been WAY STRESSED OUT with all the troubles we have been having. I have had what I call "stress stomach" which is a stomach ache I get when I get stressed. I really do not want to cause contractions or pregnancy problems because I am so stressed. I am really TRYING to take it easy...but I am so stressed that just thinking of all the possibilities I could just break out in tears in seconds. The good news is if DH gets an ok paying job we can easily move to this rental house and get back on our feet. The bad news is we will lose this house...and we will most likely have a foreclosure on our credit. But oh well...you do what you have to do! My only problem right now is that it is out of my control...and I HATE that! I hate the unknown! And even after Friday if MIL does give her tenants a 30 day notice...I still have a MONTH before I can move ANYTHING over there! That puts me at Oct 11th at the earliest! I am just ready to cut my loses and move on! I will bawl my eyes out losing this house because it was our FIRST house and we worked HARD to keep it. It was where we planned on staying...to build a family...and grow into it. With the other house...it will not be where we stay. It gives us absolutely NO room to grow. But it's what we need right now. It will give me LESS of house to take care of and LESS stress about finances. We will be able to keep EVERYTHING else, just not our house. And that's ok with me. There are things about this house I don't like anyway...it's by no means perfect. So in 3-7 years when we have a down payment and are ready to try the whole "buying a house" thing again...we'll be ready. It will be a re-building opportunity.

If you have any prayers to spare...PLEASE PLEASE keep me and my family in your prayers. I need to calm down stress wise or I am going to be suffering the consequences. I NEED some good news so I can plan and start getting situated. Please pray that we are able to get that house.

Do I have anything else to share? Hmm...I dunno! I was 27 weeks on Friday...and baby boy is measuring ahead still. Although they didnt give me an estimate on his size?? I kinda wanted to know! lol I will be over 32 weeks pregnant by the time we start moving in to that rental house. OMG it's going to be a feat! But we will have LOTS of help...so I'm not worried. I just want to get in there and start turning it into a HOME before our son joins us. I want it to feel complete when we bring him home.

Gee...can you tell whats on my mind?! LOL! I will update you guys when I get the news on that house. That will relieve a TON of stress!

Oh...I almost forgot! 27 week belly pic!

Belly Pic!

2009-08-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

So I guess I decided to start taking belly pics with my cell phone again. So the only one I will miss is 25 weeks til I get a new cord.

I just thought to myself that I couldnt have such a big lapse in pics! Plus if I did them on my camera I would not be able to remember which week I was! LOL

You think it would be easy, but I have forgotten many times!

So here is my 26 week belly pic from today :)

Double Digits!!!

2009-08-27T09:56:00.000-07:00

OMG! Am I reading that count down thing right?!?!?! 99 days til our EDD?!?!?! OMG!

How exciting!!! I cant believe we are getting that much closer to our little man being here!

Oh and I have the funniest story! Last night at church I heard a name from the podium that I liked a lot...Judah. Now I have, believe it or not, already been thinking about names for future siblings to little mr. eli. For some reason, I have always thought we would have 2 boys. My DH is from 2 boys and BIL and SIL have 2 boys. I have also been on the look-out for a first name that sounds well with the middle name Isaac. Isaac is DH's middle name. It would have been Eli's middle name, but Elijah Isaac just didnt sound great to me. However, Judah Isaac sounds fantastic!

So anywho...I leaned over to DH and asked "Do you like the name Judah?" And his response was VERY quick! "Yeah, a lot!" haha! I said "I think Judah Isaac sounds great!"

When we got home DH sat on the sofa and looked at me and said "You know, I REALLY like the name Judah! It would be good for a girl too!" LOL I'm not sure if this was a hint that he wants to change Eli's name or not...but I just laughed and said "I like it too!"

So...I think it's pretty official if we have any other children, especially a boy, his name will be Judah Isaac. I think it goes great with Elijah Joel. Also, the nicknames Eli and Jude go well together too!

WOW what a random post! LOL So I dont think I have much to update with...I will be 26 weeks tomorrow! In my mind that is 6 1/2 months...so that's what I'm telling people! I am still taking belly pics...but I cant post them because I have not gotten a new camera cord :( I'm very bummed. I may start taking them with my cell phone again so I can upload them through my email...but I dunno!

I guess I will update again if anything new happens or when my appointment gets here Sept 4th!

U/S and Update :)

2009-08-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

First off...my dogs chewed up my camera cord...so I have no idea when I will be able to upload pics again! :(

So we went for the follow up U/S. I was really surprised that they couldnt even remember why exactly I had to have another U/S! The tech said "Well, you have diabetes so they probably just want me to check on growth." And DH and I both said "What?!" I was like "I dont have diabetes!" So she looked at my chart again and said "Oh, insulin resistance" and then I was like "At the anatomy scan she was not able to get enough good pictures of his heart or his mouth/lips." She said "Oh...ok" and went ahead and did the U/S. It was really odd!

So we got to see little man again! He is still very much a little man! We got the actual "money shot" with his little "member" in between his legs. You know, the "looking up from the toilet" shot. We also got a pic of his little face and one where he has his arms crossed like an X. We also got to have the whole thing added to our U/S DVD :)

The U/S took about 25-30 minutes. It was nice to not be rushed because my appointment was set for 10am and it was PACKED in the waiting room and we didnt get called back til about 10:45am-only to wait in another waiting room! haha

So I also found out that I have an anterior placenta. I wish they had told me this last time!!! I told DH I was getting to the point where I was concerned about baby movement because when the dr said 10 kicks every 2 hours...I thought "I only get about 10 kicks a day!" But he put my mind at ease when he told me "you know what you feel on a constant basis...so when you dont feel him..you know to stop and pay attention." So now that I know I have that...that explains the lack of movement and I feel so much better!

Also, little bugger is 2 lbs! He's measuring about a week and 1/2 ahead. I was 24 weeks 5 days for the scan and he was measuring 26 weeks 1 day. She said "most people think this changes their due date, but it doesnt. some babies are just bigger!" LOL I asked if him being bigger presented a risk of going into labor earlier and she just said "nope!" So at least I know I dont need to worry about him being small! Although in our families...that really isnt an issue! LOL His daddy IS 6ft 3in! and his mommy is 5ft 10in!

After the U/S we met with the dr. It was the same dr I had at my last appointment. He started going over the whole contractions thing again. Then he said "Wait, didnt we go over this last time?" and I said "yes we did!" So he looked at my chart again and was like "ok...so what do I need to do with you?!" LOL Then he asked me why I had needed the other U/S...and then he said "Ok..we DO need to go ahead and give you the RH factor shot. So we'll do that...and then you can go!" Let me tell you...that shot HURT! The injection didnt hurt so much...it was more the pressure and stinging from it going in the muscle...she had to put it in my hip! It kept itching all day and hurt when I sat down :( But that was all they had me do. He even was about to give me another appointment in 3 weeks and I was like "I have one coming up Sept 4th" so he just said "Ok...just keep that one." I guess I screwed everyone up having to come for the GD test and the extra U/S on separate days....I dunno!

I have also gained 2 pounds since my last appointment...which puts me at a total *GASP* 12 pounds. Ugh. I asked him about my weight gain and if it was too much for my pre pregnancy weight and he just told me I shouldnt worry about it. He said it would be best if I gained less than more...BUT I am not at the point where I need to watch it so closely. I also asked "Is it ok to still sleep on my back?" His response? "ABSOLUTELY it is okay to sleep on you back! It is ok to sleep on your back the whole pregnancy. Dont let those pregnancy books scare you. Yes, there is a little better cardio vascular blood flow on your side...but the main concern is getting you comfortable and if youre comfortable on your back...then stay there!" Hallelujah! :) I'm still sleeping on my back! Although I have noticed I have started shifting to my right side some. I hardly ever sleep on my left side because for some reason it brings on my heartburn and nausea. So that was great news to hear!

Oh I almost forgot! I got a call from my dr Tuesday to tell me that the flu I had last week was....THE SWINE FLU! I couldnt believe it! Apparently they only do this extensive test on the elderly and pregnant women. They sent out my flu test to the health department. Now...I went to the dr last Monday...so this is a week and a day later that I find this out! I asked him if there was anything I needed to do and he said that the medication I took would have been no different...and basically nothing would have been different. So I should be okay! I just cannot believe it! This is something you hear about on TV and then when you get it yourself...and while your pregnant...it's just scary! But luckily I got to get an U/S and check up after I got better and I know for a fact my little man is doing great! :)

So my next appointment is Sept. 4th. And then I believe that I start every 2 weeks appointments from then on! OMG! Also...the other night I was updating my belly book with my pics and I went to put in my 24 week belly pic. I turned the page and there was no more room for belly pics...so I kept turning...and sure enough, the 25 week belly pic was under the 3rd trimester! I have read more often that the 3rd trimester starts at 28 weeks...but according to my belly book...it starts THIS WEEK! Ive also seen a few things online say 25 weeks too...but my drs office says 28 weeks so I'm gonna stick with that. But STILL! THIRD TRIMESTER?!?! I cannot believe I'm even talking about it! WOW!

So I think that's all I have to update about! If I can get my camera cord to work I will update some U/S pics! :)

Nursery Ideas

2009-08-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

Well since I'm home bored with the flu...I figured I would take the time to show you guys the crib and bedding we're pretty sure we've decided on.

As I'm sure you guys already know...we want to do the nursery in Mickey Mouse. We originally wanted to do it with Disney Baby...but apparently that has not been made in forever and Pooh bear is about the only nursery line that Disney makes anymore :( We did NOT want to do Pooh bear...since it seems like everyone does Pooh bear. So we found a Mickey Mouse design at Babies R Us. We liked it ok...it was an older version of Mickey with a sports theme. We weren't too crazy about it...but it was Mickey. It was also $170! Just for the bedding set! This price did not include the mobile or decorations or anything. And we werent too crazy about it anyway! Well poo...

Well the other day a girl on my message board was thinking about me (yay!) and posted a Mickey Mouse bedding set online at Walmart. DH and I had looked at our local Walmart, but all they had was Pooh bear. But this is online! And we LOVE it! I was so thankful to this wonderful lady because this bedding set only costs $55! Plus we like it sooo much better than the other one at Babies R Us. So here are some pics...

I know that's alittle blurry...but you get the idea. Here's a pic of the comforter.

I LOVE that it just has Mickey and Pluto :) You all know how much I love my four dogs...it just seems so much more "us" than sports stuff! lol The only down side is I didnt see a place to buy the mobile or the decorations. The bedding set only includes the comforter, bumper, sheet, and dust ruffle. I really like the mobile and I also like the decorations and the quilt. I'll have to do my research online and see if any other Walmarts carry it. I also like how they have "site to store" shipping so I can buy this at my Walmart even though they dont carry it. :)

Now here is the crib we want. DH and I found this crib at Babies R Us for only $250! I was really surprised by the price and thought that it must be really poorly made or not sturdy...but the whole thing is made of wood! The major selling point for DH and I is that the changing table attached to it does not require us to bend over too much...which is great! We are both very tall and with my back problems it will really be helpful. The only downside I see to this crib is that the changing table stays attached even when you convert it to a toddler bed. You can use it a night stand or something...but it may look a little awkward. I also really like that the only other things we will need in the room is a dresser and a rocking chair. The room we have is very small...so this crib will take up one wall, the dresser will take up another, and we'll put the rocking chair in the corner. It will save a lot of space! DH and I also like all the little compartments and storage that the crib offers.

Now this is what it looks like converted to a toddler and a twin.

Another problem I have with it is that Delta does not make a matching dresser or chest of drawers or anything. So we will have to get one separately and just hope that it matches!

So that is our plan right now. I have already finished a cross stitch Mickey Mouse that I need to find a frame for. DH also wants to make our own decorations because we don't want to paint. We have tan walls everywhere in the house. Neither one of us like the idea of a bright solid color on the walls...so we just want to make a bunch of decorations and bedding and make it colorful that way.

Well I guess that's it! I am hoping I may have some family members get together and purchase the crib for us. My aunt is wanting to throw us a family oriented shower at her house where everyone comes, not just women. So hopefully if we register for it or someone asks...we can get it. But if not, that is really the only big expense we see. I won't have to buy clothes for years given the fact that we have 2 nephews close in age to Eli, plus my little brother...and having a shower where everyone LOVES to buy clothes...my kid will be in hand-me-downs for a long time :) I can't wait to start talking details of the baby shower! I'm thinking of starting my registery online... :) yay!

The FLU :(

2009-08-10T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have the flu :(

I had a student come in Monday at work and then the next morning her mom called to tell us she has the flu and to warn the other parents.

GREAT.

By Friday I did not have a single symptom, so I thought I was fine. But come Saturday I felt HORRIBLE and it was just all of a sudden. DH and I were shopping and I felt weak/numb/tingly all over and had to sit down. I thought it might have been my blood sugar. So we went to get me something to eat. I STILL felt bad. So we went home. On the way home, our car started messing up! It wouldnt shift out of 2nd gear! :( Ugh...

Anywho...we got home and I took my temp and it was 100.8 so I called my on call dr and all he said was to take Tylenol and drink lots of fluids. "What if I have the flu?" "Take Tylenol and drink lots of fluids." Well...ok then. My temp spiked that night at 101.3 and luckily the Tylenol brought it down. It spiked 3 more times Sunday but every time Tylenol brought it back down. I was supposed to be in training this week and I figured if I didnt go I better go to the dr at least. So I went to an urgent care clinic today that my mom took me to. We got there at 11:30am. I got called back at 12 and finally saw the dr at 12:45. Then we did a bunch of testing. Two strep tests. One they did in the office and one they send off. Also 2 flu tests. Again, one they did in the office and another that they send off with a blood sample.

I have the flu. It came back positive on the in office flu test. I asked "So it's just the regular flu?" He said "Well, we dont know that. We will know when we get the results back from the one we had to send off." Ok. So he gave me tamiflu. He said since my symptoms started Saturday he is hoping that we made it to the 48 hour window and that the tamiflu will help. If not...it's Tylenol and lots of fluids for the rest of the week.

Apparently the flu is very scary right now. He told me he would suggest my husband come in and get some preventative meds. Since he doesnt have insurance we're not going to do that...but I WILL send him to this urgent care clinic if he gets it. These people were slow (I didnt get out til 2:30!) but they were helpful and nice. :)

So I have the flu :( Boo...

Gestational Diabetes Test and Monthly OB Appointment

2009-08-08T09:10:00.000-07:00

Well...this was the first appointment I have had to go to by myself :(

DH luckily has been picking up some landscaping work through a family friend. Hooray! Down side is...even though he wasn't in training, he was working...so he couldnt go with me! My mom was going to come, but when DH found out he didnt get into training we told her nevermind...he's coming with me. I still thought he was, but the night before (at like...11pm!) he tells me he cant go. Too late to call mom! Oh well...but I ended up texting her the whole time I was there...it was a BORING hour to wait!

So...I passed! Hallelujah! I was soooo worried about getting GD since I have insulin resistance. But I'm good! :) The drink was carbonated (I HATE sodas). It tasted like orange soda but waaaaay too sugary. It wasnt really thick and syrupy...like I was expecting, but it definitely did not taste good! I just chugged it cuz I didnt want to wait any longer than I had to. It was only abouy 4-6 oz so not too bad. Then I had to wait an hour. That was awful! I was texting mom, playing a game on my phone...and did I mention? STARVING! For this test you have to fast from midnight on. This was hard for me because I keep this big thing of apple juice next to my bed to drink periodically through the night because I get a really dry throat. Water makes me gag. So I couldnt have my apple juice. I also keep a big thing of TUMS. One reason why I think still sleep on my back is because when I roll to my side it gives me heartburn and nausea. So I am popping TUMS and sipping apple juice just about every time I get up to pee. And that's about 2-4 times a night.

Anywho...so I totally still took TUMS that night! Oops! But it was ok anyway! So anywho...the last 15 minutes of the waiting was the worst. I started to get really hot and sweaty and REALLY hungry. It felt like a lifetime! Finally it was 9:45 and I went back. They pricked my finger...I now have a bruise :( lol. I only noticed because when I turned on my turn signal in my car it hurt! haha Then she sent me to room 1. I met a new dr today. A male dr. I havent had a male dr yet! I LOVED him! He was very relaxed, very funny, and very to the point.

So he comes in and introduces himself. His first question is "are you feeling baby move?" I say "yes, but not kicks. Just little rolls." Then he asks if I'm having any contractions. Contractions?!?! I said "I dont think so...." He says "Do you ever get a really tight, hard feeling in your lower stomach?" "Yes..." "That's a contraction." "Oh!!!!" He said most women think it's the baby balling up tight (add me to that group!) but he said "But do you really think you would feel that?" And I was just like "Um...I guess not!" haha. So apparently I am having contractions! OMG! He then went on to tell me that if they become more frequent or painful (because right now they dont hurt AT ALL) that I need to lay down flat on my back and feel my stomach. I need to time how long it stays hard. Then I need to time it from when it gets soft to when it gets hard again. If they become very frequent or very painful...I need to call. If they are 5 minutes apart...I need to come in. I said "WOW I cant believe I'm already talking about this stuff!" and he laughed and said "Yup, youre having a baby!" haha

All the while he's telling me about this he is using the doppler to hear baby's heartbeat. I loved that he did this because I got to heart it for longer. He said he sounds good and even threw in a few kicks! Then he actually felt my stomach and explained to me what exactly I need to feel for for a contraction. Very helpful! Then he handed me some paper work and said I needed to fill it out and send it in to register with the hospital. He said that way if I ever come in to ER or go in to preterm labor they will already have all my information.

He also said we are entering a critical period. The time period where baby can survive outside the womb. O...M...G. Obviously, we want him to bake A LOT longer, but at 24 weeks he has an almost 50% chance of survival! OMG OMG OMG! How bizarre! That is when he continued to talk more in detail about signs of preterm labor. If I start feeling even the slightest bit odd...I need to lay down. And I need to focus on my belly and contractions and movement. WOW. That was a little overwhelming!

And finally he said "Now I'm going to give you a chart and then I'm going to tell you to not do anything with it." Um...ok! lol It was about kick counting. He said "The only reason why I say that is because you know your baby is moving, you know how often he's moving, etc etc. If you ever reach a day where you go 'huh, I havent felt him yet today' then find a quiet place and focus on your belly. If you feel him move a few times, great. If not...it's time to start counting. You want to have around 10 kicks in 2 hours." Ok sounds good! He said if after focusing for awhile and not feeling anything...it's time to give them a call.

I also did my RH factor testing. Since I have O- blood I have to get a shot just in case my son has positive blood. I told him my DH has O- too. He said he wasnt going to take his word for it! lol Just to be on the safe side. He said if DH and I both have negative blood...then baby will have negative blood. But just in case DH is wrong...I need the shot. The shot gives me the antibodies to fight positive blood. He said it's not really a problem right now...but during delivery babies blood could get into my blood. Then my body would start producing antibodies against that blood. It wouldnt cause a problem for this baby...but it could cause problems is consecutive pregnancies or if I ever needed a transfusion. It could cause early miscarriage because my body would fight off another positive blood baby. So I'm good with going ahead and getting the shot just to be safe :)

All in all it was a fantastic appointment! It was very informative...but also very overwhelming with so much information! This is one appointment I really wish DH had been at. I think I would have been less overwhelmed. He asked me if I had any questions...I couldnt come up with any. But of course, as soon as I got home...I had some! Oh well!

So my next appointment is actually this coming Tuesday...the 11th. This is for my follow up U/S and hopefully we can get some better pics of his heart! Tuesday also happens to be mine and DHs 2 year anniversary! Hopefully we can do something fun! :)

After the U/S my next appointment is not until Sept 4th. I will be 27 weeks then! This is going by sooooo fast!!!

Belly Pics...

2009-08-06T18:52:00.000-07:00

So I just realized that I have had a lapse in belly pics! LOL I went from showing you 19 weeks to 22 weeks! What happened to 20 and 21?! Well here they are! haha

20 weeks

21 weeks!

Weeks 22-23 of Pregnancy

2009-08-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Whew! Time is just flying by! I am truly having a hard time catching up! lol So let me see if I can cover everything exciting!

Ok first let me start off with my belly pic for week 22....

Oh my! It sure is growing! I have gotten to the point that my work shirt no longer covers my belly completely. You know the green shirt that I have some of my belly pics taken in? Yea...that one! I have reached a point where I have to wear a tank top underneath it to cover my belly. And this is the next size up from the size I was wearing pre pregnancy! I was wearing a large before pregnancy. I asked my boss for an XL and 2XL for later. I have been in my XL since about week 10...just cuz it was loose and comfy...but not anymore! I remember I time where I needed to pull my shirt tight in the back for my belly pics...and now I catch myself constantly pulling all the extra material to the front to try to cover my belly! haha

I have also reached the point where people can touch my belly and feel where the baby is. He really doesn't move a lot! I guess I may end up with a peaceful child! haha But really he only moves when he's being squished...or when I lay flat on my back I can feel him wiggle. The other day I was serving snack for my kids at work and leaned forward to hand a kid a pickle. My stomach hit the table when I leaned over it and I got the weirdest felling right next to my belly button! I honestly thought for a second that one of the children had reached over and tickled my belly! haha! I guess it was Eli letting me know I squished him!

In dr appointment updates...I have my GD test in the morning. I am somewhat nervous since I have insulin resistance that I will have GD too. So if I get it, I will not be surprised. I will just take care of myself the best I can! I also have my next U/S on Tuesday. This will be DH and mine's 2 year anniversary! :) And I'm pretty sure he's gonna be able to go! Also next week on Thursday is my breast feeding class. I am making my little sister go with me! lol I'm sure she's thrilled...and I think after that my appointments dwindle a little til Sept.

So Monday was DHs 27th bday! He didnt do ANYTHING for my birthday a few weeks ago...so I went ALL OUT for his! haha I got him 2 25 pound weights that he's been wanting...and a study Bible he mentioned he would like to have. I also got our family and friends together for a big birthday dinner at a local Mexican restaurant. He thought it would just be me and him and my sister...and it ended up being a lot more! :) He was VERY happy! I bought an ice cream cake with Mickey and Minnie on it :) And if you know us at all you know this is very appropriate! And his mom made his favorite pineapple upside down cake that she has not made in years! My aunt got him some more extra long t shirts that we found at Walmart that he LOVES and she got him some new jeans too. He was VERY happy! :)

So tomorrow I am 23 weeks...so I went ahead and took a picture tonight! Today at work we had a "pie throwing at teachers" activity....so my hair was a MESS with whip cream all in it and I lost my contacts after wiping my eyes...so I'm actually in my glasses for once! And FYI-my boss did NOT give us a heads up about this! So I had to call my hubby to bring me my glasses and a change of clothes! LOL It was so fun! So here's my 23 week pic!

Half Way There!

2009-07-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

I am now officially 21 weeks and 3 day pregnant today! So here is my "half way there" update!

I got sick AGAIN! My vomitting is back! I cant believe it! I threw up on myself while driving on my way to work! I had to stop and pull over really quick! I found an empty McDonalds cup to throw up in! LOL It was NOT pretty! I was soooo mad! I was over 20 weeks this time! COME ON! The morning sickness should SO be over by now! OMG!

What else? Well the physical therapy is going well. They did my initial measurements...like how far I can bend over and back and side to side...at my first appointment. Then today after 4 appointments we did it again and he said I had majorly improved! YAY! And all I've been doing is stretches. He said thats basically all I CAN do while pregnant. So I will most likely have 2 more appointments and then stop. I will just continue the stretches on my own. No big deal! Maybe do some more appointments later on if I cant do the ones I'm doing now when my belly gets bigger...not sure.

So as far as movement goes...I'm very jealous of others. I am not getting any big kicks or big noticeable movements. Every now and then I feel something move like he's rolling over or something...but it really just feels like gas. It's not, but it doesnt feel much different from gas. So I am REALLY hoping that I will start feeling Eli SOON! Although after I watch the U/S dvd over and over I am realizing that my son is not much of a mover. He's very relaxed. So I'm not too worried.

I also had to change my drs appointment around a little bit because I found out I'm having training one week from 8-2 instead of my normal 12-6 schedule. So I now have my gestational diabetes testing on August 7th and my U/S on August 11th....which just happens to be our 2 year anniversary! I dont expect us to be doing anything exciting since we have NO money...but it's still an exciting milestone!

And please please please continue to pray for my DH! He finally got in to the first of the three weeks of training he needs! Thank God! Unfortunately there have been complications for applying for unemployment because his last employer is saying he quit! That is NOT true! They laid him off. He would not qualify for benefits if he quit! He would NEVER do that! So we are living off of MY paycheck which is NOT enough and we are really struggling! I just keep telling myself that after this week he only has 2 WEEKS of training left. We can make it 2 weeks! I am so proud of my hubby and I just keep reassuring him that we took this risk TOGETHER for him to get a better job and that I'm behind hims 100%! He is just feeling so down on himself and he hates having to rely on my money because neither of us know how much longer I will be able to work!

So now I will show a new belly pic! This is my 20 week...I have yet to upload my 19 week one from my camera cuz it takes too long. But this ones from my cell phone! Here it is! I'm getting bigger!!!

Oh My Goodness...

2009-07-17T07:31:00.001-07:00

Man, I have had a lot going on! Whew! Well...as of today...I am officially half way through my pregnancy! 20 weeks! yay!

I am also 22 and 2 days old! lol My birthday was Wednesday. It was not a very fun day! I had a horrible day at work...and DH did...well, nothing. :( But that's ok because he made up for it by letting me buy a butt load of maternity clothes last night! I had to buy new tennis shoes for work (we have to wear tennis shoes and my feet are swollen so I cant wear mine) so I was in the mood to shop and I was able to buy 2 new skirts, 2 shirts, and 2 tank tops at Motherhood Maternity. I already have 4 shirts right now, and about 4 skirts already. BUT..I bought some of them big, so I cant wear them yet. The clothes I got last night...I cant wear AND expand!

So lets see. Yesterday was my first physical therapy appointment. OMG. Someone finally thinks they know what has been causing my back pain! She agreed with me that she thought it was muscular. She also said I am not very flexible in my hamstrings. She thinks that it actually might be so bad that THAT is whats been causing all my back pain! Because my back is trying to make up for the work and stretching that my legs should be doing! So she has me doing hamstring stretches 3 times a day and I go back 2 times a week. She also taped my back...with athletic tape...to hold my muscles together? And she gave me a cozi back pillow to use for the curve in my back and it even fits on my seat in my car when I drive! So I told her I would use it in my car instead of in bed because I use lots of pillows in bed anyway and I actually LOVE my bed!

I was SOOOO scared all day yesterday that my back was going to go out on me. I was so stiff and sore! But I made it through the day just fine...I just laid down last night and couldnt get up. I had to lay down and stay there. Now that Ive slept through the night...I feel better.

So what other updates do I have? Well..nothing really! My next appointment is not until August 10th. OH!!!!!!! I didnt mention this! This was REALLY scary! On Sunday morning DH and I made our way to church. It was hot in there! I was just sitting there and I leaned forward. I took DH's lesson sheet and started fanning myself. I started to feel better and I went to sit back up. The second I sat up I felt very nauseous. So nauseous that I actually thought to myself "Ok, if I puke I can catch it in my skirt and then run to the bathroom." Then all of a sudden I started to get really light headed. Keep in mind I'm sitting this whole time. I look up at the preacher and everything around him starts shining and getting blurry and all different colors sparkling. I grabbed DH by the leg because it was only getting worse. Then my ears started ringing. So loud I couldn't hear anything. It was kind of like that feeling of having water in your ears. Plus ringing. Anyway...I grabbed DHs leg rather hard I guess...because he grabbed me and I couldnt talk. I was afraid I would puke. I just stared straight ahead and held on to his leg. When it finally passed and I just said "We need to leave." And I got up and walked out and he was not far behind because he thought I was going to pass out. My ears were still ringing and it took a good 5 minutes for my hearing to come back. And I broke out in a sweat and went extremely pale. DH was freaking out. I was too! He even had my uncle help him walk me to the car. When I finally got my hearing back I started explaining to DH what happened. My uncle asked me if I had eaten. Yes, DH had made me 2 eggs and 2 waffles with jelly for breakfast. It wasnt my blood sugar. I thought it had to be my blood pressure. DH took me out to my BIL and SILs house to use their blood pressure machine. The down side was they were 30 minutes away and by the time I got there I was feeling better. I went to get out of the car I felt sooooo weak. I seriously felt like I had ran the whole way. BIL took my blood pressure and it was 117/70 which is great. But my pulse was 110! Wow! He said "Um, have you been running a marathon?!"

So I called my Obs emergency line and talked to the same doctor that I saw that day for my stomach virus. She said it was totally normal (WHAT?!). She said I blacked out. What most likely happened was the blood pooled in my legs from sitting too long (I had only been sitting for 20 minutes) and that when I leaned back up it gave me a head rush. Now, dont get me wrong, I'm not saying shes wrong, but Ive had black outs before like when you stand up too fast out of bed in the morning...this was NOTHING like that. I've also passed out before...and again, this was NOTHING like that. DH actually contemplated taking me to the ER. I told him if it happened again I would go, but I think I'm fine.

So that's my scare for the week! It hasnt happened again, so I guess that doctor was right...I dunno!

It's A......

2009-07-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

BOY!!!!!

We are SO SO SO excited! His name will be Elijah Joel. Joel after his daddy :). He will go by Eli. YAY! No more having to stress over girl's names now! LOL!

So here's the crazy story....My MIL wanted to come to the U/S. I told her that was fine. Especially when I found out that DH might not be able to go because of work. My mom and sister offered to come because DH might not be there. Ok....then my SIL wanted to come! Alright...so now we have a full house! And it turns out...DH DID get to come! Oh my! Well...it turns out my mom couldnt make it...so it ended up being me, DH, my sister, MIL, and SIL....and my 2 nephews! OMG!

Needless to say it was very hectic! I had told DH that if he got to be there I wanted him to find out first and then he could bring in the rest of them to find out. MIL did NOT like this idea at all! But oh well! But it turns out our little guy was being very stubborn and showed us his back practically the whole time! So after DH and I were in there alone for about 5 minutes I told him to just go ahead and go get everyone. I didnt want them waiting for a really long time...and I wanted them to be able to see the U/S!

It all turned out just fine because there were 2 chairs in there where my MIL and SIL ended up sitting to take care of my nephews. My sister came right to my side...which was good...because...lets face it...I would prefer my own family over my in laws to be all up in my...well, you know! So it turned out great. My MIL and SIL could still the U/S screen and DH and my sister stayed by my side.

After about 10 minutes the U/S tech said she still couldnt see anything! That little bugger had his legs bent up and he was grabbing his foot! She kept wiggling my belly to try to get him to move around. I, of course, didnt mind at all just watching my little one on the screen! Finally out of no where the tech says "Oh, its a boy!" And who heard her?? Just me and my sister! LOLOLOL Everyone was chatting and not really paying attention because it was taking so long and so it ended up being a special moment for me and my sister. It was awesome! I started crying a little bit seeing a little winky on the screen! LOL DH came over and gave me a kiss :) It was a very nice moment. No amount of people in the room would have bothered me right then. Right after we found out, Abby said "Ok...who can I tell?!" I said "Go ahead and tell whoever you want!" So she called mom up right away and had my DH yell it into the phone! Then she started texting all her friends! It was really funny.

My MIL was so so so desperately wanting a girl. Deep down I think she knew it would be a boy...but she so wanted a grand-daughter! As soon as the U/S was over, my MIL and SIL left. They didnt even say goodbye to me! But they were in a rush with the 2 little ones...so I understand. Then I had to wait around to see the doctor and go over the results and all that jazz. Everything is measuring just fine! The tech said she didnt get good pictures of his heart like she was hoping and she wanted better measurements of the legs. So what does this mean? I get to go back in 3 weeks for another U/S! YAY!

So here are the "money" shots! LOL

And here's one of his cute little alien face!

We also got some cute pics of his foot, but my camera is being stubborn and stopped taking good pics of the U/S pics! grrr. I need a scanner! LOL

Our little man was measuring 10 inches long...approximately because she couldnt get a good measurement of his legs...and he weighs 10 oz! It is amazing how much more connected you feel to you little one when you can call them by a name! :) I LOVE BEING PREGNANT!

Some Belly Pics!

2009-07-06T06:20:00.000-07:00

Ok....here are some belly pics...

16 weeks

17 weeks...

18 weeks...

So now that that has been taken care of...what can I update about? Well...this coming Friday is our BIG U/S! I cannot WAIT to find out what we're having!!! I am soooo ready to be set on a name and start looking at specific designs for the nursery, etc. This must be the fun part of having children! LOL

Now for some not so good news...I dont want to give away too much information...but I DO want to ask for prayer for my husband and I. Ever since he lost his job again we have not been able to keep up with our house payment. We are now almost 3 months behind. It is a very scary time. A job opportunity has been made available for DH that would pay almost 3 times what he is making at his current job. That's great, but he would have to quit his current job for 3 weeks of unpaid training. This is just unfathomable to us right now to go 3 weeks without a pay check. My job barely pays anything. He thinking about going back on unemployment for those 3 weeks to help us get by...but that just won't cut it. It's even come so far that my husband has asked me to see if I can get my inheritance from my grandmother early. I am not suppose to get it until I'm 25...I'm almost 22 now. I don't even want to talk to my mom about it...but my husband is insisting. I don't know what to do. So all I ask is that whatever decision we make...that God is at the center of it. He will look out for us. Just pray for us that whatever happens we will be alright.

I guess thats about all that we have going on right now. I'm still sick: nausea and vomiting...and it sucks. I will be 19 weeks on Friday for our U/S. Also please pray that the anatomy scan comes back perfect :) I will update Friday with the news!!!

Sickness Update with Dr Appointment

2009-06-26T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well....as I'm sure most of you know...I am still very sick. Vomiting is just NO FUN! So it had been 3 weeks since I had vomited, but Wednesday night I had another episode. I thought "Great, it's back." But a few hours later...when DH got sick too...I knew it wasn't regular morning sickness.

On a side note...I have to say how HILARIOUS my DH was being sick. I threw up the second I took my last bite of dinner. I got up to pee and thought "Hmm...I dont feel so good..." and the rest is history. DH jumped up and ran to the bathroom to hold my hair :) What a sweetie. When I was finally done I just thought somehow my body didn't want that food. We had Captain D's, which is really greasy...so I chalked it up to that. But then about 4 hours after eating my DH got sick too!!! He was sooooo pitiful! When I finished throwing up, I didnt necessarily feel "bad." In fact, I felt better after throwing up. DH was the EXACT OPPOSITE. lol. When he was finished he climbed in the bed with his "oooooh" "uuuuuuugh." LOL! Then the next thing I know he's talking about calling in to work!!! I was like "What?!?!" I have thrown up so many times being pregnant and have been forced to "bounce back." Now poor hubby gets sick and he's going to call in! And sure enough...he did!

Since I thought we both must have a bug I called the next day to make a doctor's appointment before I went to work. My appointment was at 10 and I have to work by 12. I called to tell them that I was right about having a fever the day before (I had a 101 degree temp at work the day before) and I may be late because I was going to the doctor. Well I went to the doctor and she let us hear the heart beat! :) 149 bpm. Our little one also kicked the doppler! yay! But anyway...she said I definitely have a virus! But I can't take anything but Tylenol for the fever! So that was that...she also said not to go to work that day and that generally if you are sick you should not work for 24 hours. So if I throw up again, I probably shouldn't work Friday either.

Well...on the way home I was struggling. DH still did not want food...but being pregnant and sick is very weird. You're sick and dont want food, but your stomach is growling and starving! So DH stopped and got me some food and I ate it when I got home...it was SO GOOD! I called work again to let them know I wouldn't be in that day. DH and I just sat around all day. But lo and behold, after I woke up from a nice 3 hour nap...I felt WORSE! omg....and what happens?? I threw up again! It completely snuck up on me! I was laying down...had a headache...coughed and covered my mouth and there it was! I jumped up and leaned over the trash can! I dropped my cell phone right in it! (LOLOLOLOL) and my hand was covered! My sweet DH felt SO bad! I hardly had anything left in me! I was throwing up pure liquid acid. It was probably the WORST sickness experience I have had. The acid taste and acid reflux stayed the rest of the day up until bedtime and Tums were just not helping. I ended up finally eating some soup at the end of the day that my sweet hubbs got for me. I munched on crackers the rest of the evening to try to curve the hunger pains.

So I had to call in to work again today. They couldnt get me a sub. That means they're understaffed today. Thats NOT good...and I know I'm going to be blamed. But I cant help it. Being sick (and pregnant!) is really hard...and we're not suppose to work if we have a fever anyway because if a parent noticed that a staff member was sick and wanted to get us in trouble...they could. So I'm just sitting here dreading going back to work on Monday...I'm still feeling icky today...but I haven't thrown up yet. DH only threw up the once. That second time really hit me hard. DH actually started feeling sorry for me after that instead of feeling like we were both sick :) I love him!

The good news that came out of all this is that we got to hear the heart beat again and I got to meet a VERY SWEET new doctor. I may just stick with her! I didnt feel rushed with her at all...and she was the on-call doctor! My appointment was last minute! She was very nice! She took the time to show me where my uterus is up to now and where I could probably feel the baby the most. My uterus is up to my belly button now! Our little one is way down there...if I press where my belly starts to curve back in (where I'm all squishy! lol) I could feel a little bump! It was SO cool! So anywho...she also asked about my lower back pain (that Ive had for 2 years now) and she up and took me to the schedule lady to start looking for a physical therapist! It's been a week since my last appointment and apparently it hadnt even been taken to the schedule lady! She even suggested a PT that she loves and wants me to see her if at all possible! So I should be getting a call soon about scheduling these appointments! All in all...even though it was a last minute appointment...I felt so much more comfortable with this doctor! I think she's a keeper! :)

So today I am officially 17 weeks pregnant! I have exactly 2 weeks before our next appointment and BIG gender U/S! I can't believe how big my belly is getting. At my last appointment it looked like I had gained 4 pounds...and then yesterday it looked like I have only gained 2. I think it changes with the clothes I'm wearing and stuff like that. I'm going more by my scale at home and it looks like I've gained 2-3. I wear the same night gown when I weigh and at about the same time each week.

I'll add a belly pic when I actually get enough energy to get dressed and take one! :)

Doctor's Appointment Update :)

2009-06-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

I had my monthly OB appointment yesterday...finally with a doctor instead of a nurse. It was at 4pm...so I really felt rushed...but all my questions were answered. And everything looked fine...so I guess I have no complaints.

The heart rate was in the 150s. And I had to ask the nurse for that...the doctor didnt give me that information. I'm a little upset by that because I have been keeping a pregnancy journal...and I have written down every little thing from each appointment and I've known the exact heart rate at every appointment but this one. :( Oh well.

She told me the cramps and low pain were totally normal and checked my cervix and everything is fine. She also told me she will check with my insurance to see if PT is covered...and if it is...then I'm totally taking it. I'm really not wanting to stop taking care of this back pain after 2 years just because I'm pregnant. So hopefully that will work out.

I also asked about my blood pressure increasing when I have an "episode" with my back and that I'm afraid that I'm stressing the baby. She said we'll talk more about it at my next appointment if PT doesnt work out. I'm ok with that.

So the BIG U/S is not until July 10th! I swear I feel like EVERYONE on my DDC Board on BZ already knows the gender. And I'm due at the BEGINNING of the month...so I should be one of the first to know! Grrrrrr. I'm going crazy!

Well...I'm pretty sure that's it...I'll go ahead and attach the 15 week belly pic I finally uploaded :)

Week 12-14 :)

2009-06-14T13:36:00.000-07:00

This pregnancy is flying by!!! Where do I start with an update??

Let's see....my sickness has not subsided! I am still nauseous now...if not worse...than before. I am still throwing up and having a hard time if I go too long without eating. Work is hard. As I've told you about in previous postings, I have SEVERE back pain...and I've had it for 2 years now and they still don't know what's wrong. Going to the doctors and getting more tests was just not feasible for awhile because....well, it costs an arm and a leg!!! And now I'm afraid I won't be able to go to the pain specialist because I'm on Medicaid for pregnancy only. So anywho...it's killing me. Work is REALLY hard right now because of it. We go on a field trip every Friday and this past week's field trip was torture. We hiked 3 miles. NOT a good idea! I was miserable...and no one at work understands...

My DH is predicting that I will not be able to work by the end of the summer. I'm really afraid of this...because we really need the money! But I don't want to hurt myself or especially the baby...so I'd rather be safe than sorry! The other night my back was hurting so bad I thought I was going to have to go to the ER. I asked DH if my back pain could cause trouble for the baby. He said...only if my blood pressure gets really high. Well, when I get REALLY bad bouts of pain...my blood pressure does increase. So my first question at my next appointment will be about my back pain and the baby. If it's a problem...I'll quit work...and that's that.

Let's see what else...oh oh oh! Good news!!! I felt the baby for the first time Wednesday night!!! I was laying in bed on my back and I felt this thing like waves...on my left side. I knew it wasnt gas because I had had gas all evening (LOL) and this was different. Little bit was going crazy in there! I told DH and he put his hand on my belly where I felt it and I held my breath and BAM! He got to feel a great deal of movement! He got all teary eyed and I said "Did you feel it?!" and he was like "OMG! I think so!" lol...so that was amazing! I haven't really felt it since...but now that I have...I know exactly what to look for! I'm so excited!

I have been eating considerably less these days. I have been really sick and I haven't even realized that I wasnt eating. Its very hard for me to find anything that I actually want to eat. Its been tough. I have also been coming home and getting straight in the bed and laying down the entire evening. Only to fall asleep about 11 or 12 and not get up til about 9am! Its been good to have that time with DH because he has to go to bed early...and get up at 5am. It's funny because I have been peeing every 2-3 hours in the night and I always end up getting up to pee when he's getting up for work. I thought the peeing in the middle of the night was supposed to go away in the 2nd trimester too...but nope! It actually increased for me! I was going about twice a night and now I'm going about 4 times a night! LOL

So my next appointment is this coming Wednesday! I will be 15weeks 5 days. I am seriously considering asking for an U/S even though it's not scheduled because I have been having some SEVERE cramps lately. No joke. It hurts like heck!!! And since my back pain has me wondering if I am stressing the baby...I think they'll let me! I really just want to see little bit healthy! But I also may just ask the gender! LOL I am about to crazy! I want to know SO bad! Mainly because I want to be abe to start picking out stuff...and I want to call little baby by their name! :)

So I'll update some pics now! Here's week 13 and week 14...I'm going to take a pic today for week 15. I'll let you know how the appointment goes Wednesday! If I dont get an U/S that day I am planning on scheduling the gender U/S for July 3rd when I am 18 weeks. I don't want to wait that long...but I guess I might have to!!!

Week 13...
Week 14...any bigger??

Congratulations Tori! Welcome Zach!

2009-06-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

CONGRATULATIONS TORI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ZACH IS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that don't know....a loooooooong time ago, I was a member of the message board TTC After BC. I had A LOT of women rooting for me on there...because, I was the IF. Tori was lucky :) haha and got pregnant soon after joining our board. However, unlike all the other ladies who pranced off to their DDC...Tori always came in to check on me! :)

When I got pregnant she didn't hesitate with congratulations! She still kept updated on me all this time....shes an awesome lady! And I am so happy to announce that she had her precious baby boy, Zach, Sunday morning at 7:55am!

Go check out her blog "Geeks in Love" in my blog list to see his precious picture!

Love ya Tori!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheesh...I Need to Catch Up!

2009-06-04T06:59:00.001-07:00

Whew...I have not posted in like 2 weeks! I always read everyone's posts...but I just seriously feel so comfortable in my pregnancy status...that I don't have much to talk about!!! LOL

So here is my update for week #12 and week #13! So week 12 I still totally had the same old night sickness...but this week (week 13) I have finally started feeling better!!! I am still nauseous, but the sickness is subsiding. I am craving milk, milk, milk! It's just about the only drink I can have that doesnt leave a gross taste in my mouth.

So I had to reschedule my next appointment. I moved it from June 19th to June 17th. June 19th apparently is a day that EVERYONE wants off at my work...and I have to have my appointments in the afternoon so my husband can go. So hey, it's 2 days earlier! :) It's still only to meet the doctor and not an U/S....but still, it will just be nice to meet a doctor (who is female!) and feel refreshed again. Then I plan on making our gender U/S for July 3rd! I will be exactly 18 weeks...but I don't care! I am so anxious! I want to be able to call this little baby by their name!!!

So...that is honestly all I have to update with! I am loving my life being pregnant...so everything is good! Hopefully something exciting will happen before my next appointment so I don't wait another 3 weeks to post! haha

Week 11 of Pregnancy

2009-05-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

I think it is time for some fantastic news. Lucky for you...this blog is full of great news! Nothing sad or depressing in this blog! I have waited a long to post because I finally had time to get all my pictures on my computer...so I can add lots! :)

First round of good news...about that ONE class I need for my diploma. I found out that I can take an equivalent ONLINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! That means I can register at anytime and all I need to do is tell the graduation office which semester I plan to finish. All I have to do now is gather up the $567 to get the class...and then I have all pregnancy to finish it...that's right, in my OWN time! FABULOUS! :)

Next round...my husband GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He starts Tuesday!!! It is another manufacturing job, which I think makes him happy because he KNOWS he is good at it! It pays considerably less than his old job, BUT with me working...my paycheck will EASILY make up the difference! :) HOORAY!

Hmm...anymore good stuff?? Oh yeah...today I am officially 12 WEEKS!!! Ahhh....this trimester has just gone by SO FAST! Maybe because I only knew I was pregnant from 5 weeks on...but still. There has already been SO MUCH change going on in my body and with baby...it's just PHENOMENAL. Thank God for this baby! :)

Now for the nitty gritty about this week...way more pregnancy related!!! So week 11 started off just fine. I was hoping that my sickness would subside. Not that it's been unbearable, but still...throwing up, even if it is once a week, still sucks. But I was not so lucky. Monday night had the worst bout of sickness I have had the entire pregnancy. Now here comes the TMI...DH and I had JUST FINISHED having sex. And I mean literally, he had JUST rolled off of me and laid down next to me. I coughed and threw up in my mouth! I hung over the bed to the trash can to spit it out....and lo and behold...there I go! It was pitch black in our room...and my hair was down!!! And those of you who have seen my pictures know my hair is by no means short. Well as soon as I started losing my dinner DH rolled over as fast as he could and grabbed my hair. He said "I'm gonna turn on the light, baby" and when he did, I saw a big strand of my hair dangling in the trash can. LOL DH then came rushing back over to me and held back my hair for me. I proceeded to puke for like 15 minutes! By far the WORST bout of sickness I have had. DH was SO great though....LOVE HIM!

The next morning I woke up to pee and I looked in the mirror and BAM! My eyes looked horrible!!! What the heck is all over my eyes?!?!?! I had tiny red spots all over my eyelids and under my eyes. It looked like I had rubbed red eyeshadow all over them! Come to find out...I had strained my face soooo bad from throwing the night before. And they have finally faded...and that was 4 days ago!!!

Anymore stories?? Hmmm...oh yea! I signed up for WIC and ended up spending 4 HOURS in that office...only to have a 15 minute appointment! I was there from 11am to 3pm...for an 11:15 appointment!!! I did not get called back to 1pm!!! Then I was sent into ANOTHER waiting room until 2:15! OMG It was awful. And I didnt eat before going...so I literally fasted all day and didnt eat a single bite of food until 4pm. NEVER doing that again!!! But it's all worth it because we will get free, healthy food :)

Now for the long awaited story about my appointment today!!! IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! Let me start off my saying the U/S must only get better from here! The previous 2 I have had..the baby has been a blob. Today, it was a BABY!!! Baby boo was squirming around on his belly, then his side, then his back, then his other side. We got some FABULOUS photos! The nurse kept calling him wiggle worm because he wouldn't sit still long enough for her to do the nuchal transluceny test. Which came out fine, btw! :) And even better news....he is no longer measuring behind!!! He was measuring 5 days behind at both of my previous appointments, but he was measuring EXACTLY 12 WEEKS today! So my EDD stays the same! :) It was by far the best appointment EVER. We spent a good 20 minutes in U/S first with the abdominal and then with the transvaginal. She even tried to see him in 3D! She did not rush anything which was SO appreciated! I just kept talking to the baby "Hi little baby!" "Look at you moving around!" He was even sucking his thumb and waving at us! It was so surreal!!! His heartrate was 158 bpm...which is great. It is unbelievable to know this little baby inside is moving around...probably right now...and I can't feel him!!! I can't wait until I feel that first movement!

So our next appointment will be June 19th with the actual doctor. No U/S though :( Then our next appointment will be no earlier than July 3rd...because that is the earliest we will find out the gender!!! I can't wait for that one!!! DH said he had a dream that we had a little girl, so he's changing his vote! LOL

Alright...ready for some pics?? I've got the belly pic from last week...10weeks....first time wearing maternity skirt!!!

This is the 11 week picture...taken with my camera phone...also in maternity clothes...from my SIL!!!

And finally...so FANTASTIC U/S pics!!! 12 weeks exactly!!!

Baby sucking his thumb!!!

Baby facing us!!!

The U/S pics are phone pics too...but I think they're pretty clear!!!

One last belly pic...from today! 12 weeks!!!

DH and I are hosting a graduation party tomorrow in honor of me and best friend (even though I didnt graduate! lol) And he has been fantastic cleaning up the house and letting me lounge around. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!!! I hope this blog was a fun one!!! Nothing depressing over here! LOL Everything's going great!

Week 10 of Pregnancy

2009-05-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well...this has been quite a week. Very stressful. I found out I failed a class. So I don't get my degree until I have passed it. It is only offered in the summer or next spring. BUMMER. My DH has been such a wonderful support. I cried and cried and cried thinking about how much I have screwed over my family. And now I'm pregnant...I can't just waltz my way back into school. I need money for that...time for that. Ugh.

Moving on...we gave away one of our dogs Monday night. We had originally decided to give away 2 of them. Buddha and Milo. Buddha was my MILs dog who bit my nephew and DH ran to the rescue and let him come stay with us. Milo is our baby who we have had since 2 months before we got married. I cried and cried and cried thinking about getting rid of Milo. Honestly, Buddha would be a better dog by himself. He never really got along with our dogs. He's older and he's jealous easily. We put them up on Craigslist. I got a call from a lady who was interested in meeting them. So I went off to work. I still cried and cried and cried with the thought of losing Milo. I cried so much I made myself sick. I threw up and I threw up and I threw up. It was awful. I called my DH and told him I just couldn't go through with it. it was like giving up a child. So the lady came to meet them...and it turns out she only wanted Buddha anyway :) Buddha loved her! She was holding him like a baby and rubbing his belly and he was just eating it up!

Then...I called my case worker at DHS only to find out she hadn't even OPENED the envelope full of all the information she needed to start our process. We dropped it off a week ago! Irritating!!! So I tell her I have my next appointment in a week and 1/2 and I NEED that TennCare ready to go so I don't have to pay. She told me she would go ahead and get started on my case right then! I should expect a letter in the mail to tell me I've got it and then within a month I get my insurance card. But she said the letter would be enough to be seen. Thank God.

I have never cried so much as I have this week. Lately my favorite thing to do is get my lunch, go park at our local park, and eat and cry in my car. This sounds really pathetic, but honestly...it keeps me sane. It keeps my poor DH from having me break down in front of him. I am just hoping that from here on out is smooth sailing. I need to focus on getting a good paying job with benefits. I need to decide what I'm going to do about that one class I have left. Now that I have cried about it...I need to think about it.

So this week gets me that much closer to the end of the first trimester :) I am now anxiously awaiting my next appointment on the 22nd. I have been taking a belly picture every week. It's just annoying to have to upload all of my pictures just to get one. So I'll try to upload my 10 week picture soon. I think my belly has popped! Or it may just be because yesterday I wore my very first maternity skirt!!! And it let my belly hang out...so I'm sure I looked bigger just because the fat and baby belly were hanging out. LOL But it was so comfortable! I also had to tell my boss that I am going to need some bigger shirts. haha. My work shirt barely covered the elastic belly band!!! So to all of you out there considering switching to maternity clothes...do it!!! :)

Week 9 of Pregnancy...

2009-05-03T15:30:00.001-07:00

Whew! 9 weeks already...and look at that belly! This is actually at 9 weeks 2 days...I looked down at my belly this morning at church and realized how far it was sticking out...so when I got home I HAD to take a picture! Some people are telling me I don't look different at all...but even today my DH noticed!

So I'm thinking one major reason for this is that I am constipated. I thought this (and peeing frequently) were all symptoms of later pregnancy...but apparently not. As far as actual symptoms go...last week was the worse...this week, so far so good. I have been eating and eating and eating! Thank the Lord! This weekend my little sister came to stay with us and my husband always cooks a BIG breakfast when she comes because he knows how much she loves his breakfast! I was so excited for this breakfast...and I ate a big plate full and felt fine! It was fantastic! Then later on we went out with my family to eat spaghetti and I ate 1/2 my plate and again...I felt fine! Woohoo!

One symptom that is getting old quick is this heartburn! Now I'm a big girl, so I've had my fair share of heartburn...but this is ridiculous! I'm talking...I'm taking 4 TUMS sometimes and it's still not helping! Sheesh!

But all in all I am LOVING this experience of just going through life everyday being pregnant. This baby is just such a blessing I can't even describe it. My family (especially my Aunt) is being SO supportive and it is just awesome. I'm not sure if I mentioned this...but my Aunt went ahead and bought us our first baby car seat/carrier! I about cried! And then last night she gave me the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting." She is so exciting for us.

So less than 3 more weeks until our next U/S appointment! It doesn't seem nearly as far away as it did before our emergency U/S. I am so glad we had that done. It was amazing to have the reassurance that our bean is doing well :)

Well..tomorrow is my last final (EVER!) and I start back to my after school job. Only 2-6 for now, but hey, it's money! And I graduate on Wednesday! So excited! :)

Spotting Scare...

2009-04-28T17:21:00.000-07:00

So today was just a regular day for me. I went to lunch with my dad...nothing new. I came home hoping to get a good nap in before I needed to study and before DH got home. Things definitely did not go as planned.

When I got home I went to the bathroom to pee...and when I wiped...a streak of bright red blood. Right there on the toilet paper. There was a tiny clot too. I wiped again...a slightly lighter streak. So I got up, went to the phone, and called the ObGyn. I talked to my nurse about my blood sugar levels that she was concerned about and got that resolved. Then I told her I was spotting. Bright red. She said "Are you working today?" "No...I can come in right now if you need me to..I'm free all day." "Ok, well, go ahead and call up to the front desk and tell them I need to see you." "Ok, thanks"

The front desk lady asks "How long will it take you to get here?" "Around 15 minutes" "Alright, go ahead and come in and we'll squeeze you in"

Then I call my husband "Honey...." "Yea, babe, what's up" "Um..." "Honey? What's wrong?" And I lost it. I started bawling. I couldn't even talk. "I'm....spotting. Bright red." "Ok..." "I called Fort Sanders and they said to go ahead and come in" "Ok then go" "Are you gonna come with me?" "Yea of course. I'll meet you there. Are you safe to drive?" "Yea I'll be fine" "Ok BE SAFE"

I went back to the bathroom again and wiped again. Just a slight streak again. I was bawling in the car...I called my foster mom and told her and she said my uncle had already called her. My DH was working with my uncle and had to leave...so obviously he had to tell him. I talked to her until I reached DH. I had finally calmed down. But it was SO OBVIOUS that I had been crying. My eyes were HUGE, red, and puffy. We arrived at 2:10 and were seen by 2:30. Did I mention I LOVE my ObGyn office?! Seriously. So we go into the U/S room and my nurse tells me that spotting is really normal...so I don't need to freak out just yet. We're gonna check everything out...you did the right thing coming in.

And then the U/S. The moment of truth. And we see a beautiful little blob. The first words out of my nurse's mouth were "Alright everything looks good." HALLELUJAH. DH and I both started crying. The baby has tripled in size since our last U/S less that 2 weeks ago. The heart beat is now 176 bpm. I'm still measuring 5 days behind. I was 8 weeks 4 days today, but measured 7 weeks 6 days. So I may just end up with a November baby :) She showed us the problem. I had something called (I think) a submucosal hemorrage or something like that. It was basically just a sac full of blood right next to the gestational sac. So what's happening is every time I move the sacs rub together and that will produce blood until the blood sac goes away. She said I should expect to see spotting for a few days. She put me on bed rest for the rest of the day and told me to take as much bed rest as possible for the next few days. I should only be concerned in the spotting gets heavier or if I start to have cramps with it.

Thank you Jesus for protecting our little miracle baby. We were so scared. Thank you for taking care of our little family and keeping us all safe. Please continue to give us peace of mind that you will bring this little one safely home to us in 7 months.

Week 8 of Pregnancy

2009-04-27T16:26:00.000-07:00

Well...it has officially been 3 weeks since I found out I was pregnant! Wow time flies!

So I am anxiously awaiting a post from my dear friend, Brooke...gosh darnit woman it's been 2 freakin days! Sheesh....haha I love ya! :)

So let's talk symptoms! I am nauseous! I am tired! I have heartburn! I have a heightened sense of smell! I am thirsty! I am craving foods from my childhood! I have a headache!

I think that about sums it up. And you know what?? I LOVE IT. The other night as I woke from sleep at 3am to throw up...DH pulled back my hair for me and let me go at that trash can...and I thought "Thank you God for this pregnancy" What?! Oh yea...I said it. I was puking my brains out and my face was hurting and hot and I thanked God for this little one. This little miracle.

Now I know I haven't been blogging as much as I used to. You want to know why?? Because I am happy. I created this blog to talk about IF. I created so I could have a place to complain and give my poor DH a break. But this blog turned into something new! It became a place where I found great support and it's now where I am writing about my first pregnancy. How fascinating.

So...week 8...it's not an above average week. I'm getting sicker as I go along. DH and I went to sign up for TennCare today and food stamps and WIC. With his being laid off and me being pregnant...we look pretty pitiful. But really all we need is the TennCare. I need health insurance and DH's health benefits end at the end of the month. And it's not looking like he's getting called back. So I am starting my job back at my old after school care. I have applied to work for the school system as an interpreter in the fall. But obviously that job isnt available until then...so...I also applied to work with my local community interpreting company. I should be setting up an interview with them later this week. At least I'm hoping so. It is crazy how nervous you can get when interpreting for an interview. But oh well...I gotta do it! So in the mean time I will be working at my after school care again :)

Now for some random news...maybe Foxy can help me out on this one ;) I got a call from my ObGyn today and she was a little concerned. The first words out of her mouth on the message were "So I got your blood work today and..." And of course I'm thinking "OMG My numbers are too low! OMG!" But she continued "everything looks good except your blood sugar" "OH THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!" I about fell to the floor! "It was 136 and that's a little high so we definitely want to keep you on the Metformin. So I was thinking I may want to set you up with a diabetes dietician...so give me a call tomorrow." Yes maam, I will. Now here is my question. She says my blood sugar was 136. ok, fine. But I had just eaten before going in to my appointment and my blood was not taken until the end...about an hour and 1/2 to 2 hours after I ate. I'm thinking that she thinks this is "fasting" blood sugar. If that is the case, then 136 would be high. But if it's 2 hours after you eat it can be as high as 180 and there's nothing to worry about. So the first thing I'm going to tell her is that I DID eat before my appointment...so my blood sugar sounds about right. Does that sounds reasonable to anyone? Any suggestions??

Alright...so moving on. Cravings...hmmm....I am really liking those microwavable pizzas from Tostinos that I used to eat as a kid. They are SO BAD for you and so gross, but for some reason, I like them now! Then lets see...I'm really liking orange juice and tropical punch and fruit punch. And cereal. I think I am past the aversions stage...but I am at the point where my stomach picks out ONE THING that it wants and it wont eat anything else.

Oh...and poor DH. He found out he had the flu. I got SO MAD at him for sleeping with me while he was sick! I was like "If I get sick I cant take anything you dummy!" But I actually went to the doctor today because I have had a terrible head cold and nothing over the counter was helping. And honestly, I think the puking was mainly an effect from the coughing. You know, cough so much you throw up? yea, that seems to be me these days. And OH do I have a HEADACHE! I have had a constant headache for 2 days now at least...and I am resisting the urge to take any medicine. Mainly because I knew I would take something from the doctor for this cold because it's killing me. He gave me amoxicillin...so hopefully that will clear it up.

So no other news here except that I am graduating in a week!!! I have an exam Wednesday and then one next Monday and graduation next Wednesday! hooray!

So nothing new going here too much...next appointment isn't until May 22nd...sheesh...I'm tired of waiting already!

I've Been Tagged! And An Update.

2009-04-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

So Brooke (love her!) tagged me to do this little game of going into my 6th folder of pictures and showing you the 6th picture...let's see what I can find....

So my 6th folder is my wedding pics...and the 6th picture is a picture of my little sister, Abby as a bridesmaid. :) She's so cute!

Now I tag...hmm....I don't think I know anyone besides Brooke that posts pics! haha But just in case...let's say B MoM and Foxy!

Now for the update! :) I am 7 weeks 2 days today...or something like that. I was in a wedding over the weekend in Kentucky. It was about a 3 1/2-4 hour drive for us. We left Friday afternoon at 12:45 and had to pick up another groomsman on the way and pick up the groom's computer on the way too and finally arrived at the church in Kentucky at 5 pm. Right in time for the rehearsal to start. Would you believe I was so pregnant that I just gave up and sat on the front pew instead of in the bridesmaid's line like I was supposed to?! Yea....I was TIRED!

Then that night all the bridesmaids stayed together at a ladies house for Emily's (yes, we have the same name!) personal shower and sleepover. We ate (and I ate, and ate, and ate!) and talked and laughed and it was fun. We went to bed about 2am. NOT a good idea when I have to be up at 8am! And I probably didn't fall asleep until 3am because I forgot my TUMS! I was about to die with that heartburn and I've still got a cough! I was tossing and turning most of the night. I was praying "God, please do not let me wake up and think I'm home and puke off the side of the bed." (I have a trash can next to me in my bedroom).

So I woke up at 6:30am instead of 8am. So I got about 4 hours sleep. And we went non stop from there! We headed to another ladies house to get our hair done and eat breakfast (glorious breakfast! biscuits and gravy and sausage and milk!). Then the other pregnant bridesmaid and I (yes, we're due the EXACT same day! cool!) headed off to the church to decorate the columns. Then off to the reception site to decorate the tables and I made punch. Joel's best friend Steven was the best man in our wedding. He LOVED our punch so I promised to make it for his wedding too. But the bride insisted on red koolaid instead of purple because purple was the farthest color from matching! lol Then we were BACK to the church to get dressed and ready! I was SO HOT in that stupid dress!

So off to the ceremony...I about fell over standing there for 30 min. The ceremony was so messed up. The pastor had the groom repeat the vows, but said them all at once so all the bride said was "I do." It was really weird and Emily was REALLY upset. But I told her...it doesn't matter...you're married now!!! Then we sat at the church for 2 hours for pictures...so by the time we got to the reception site...there were hardly any people! But me and the other pregnant lady ate and ate because we hadn't eaten since breakfast! ahh!!!!!! DH and I headed out to decorate the car with empty soda cans and trash bags and window paint and streamers and lube on the car door handles :) haha. It was hilarious!

But needless to say....by the time I had been standing all day and been in that huge dress for like 9 hours....I was ready to go home!!! So we changed and packed and we were on the road back home about 7 ish. On the way home I was hungry and we stopped at Wendy's and got a 5 piece chicken nugget. I was very nauseous all the way home so I ended up using DH's empty Wendy's cup while I was gagging. My sweet DH was rubbing my back the whole time. I told him not to pull over because I was READY to be home! I don't think the chicken had hit my stomach yet because I was just dry heaving (tmi, I know!). It was awful. It seemed like it took 12 hours to get home.

Well once we get close to home I tell DH I'm still hungry and that might be why I'm still nauseous...so we go back to Wendy's for more chicken nugggets! lol I love them! haha But what happens when I get home?! I sit on our bed...SO HAPPY to be home. DH goes to Walmart to get me some Tylenol PM and Triamenic so I can sleep. I eat my chicken nuggets and lay down. I start coughing...like I do every night. And I throw up. And I throw up again. And I throw up again. And again. By that time DH got home and he emptied the trash for me :( He gave me my meds and something to drink. I felt much better after throwing up. But this was probably the worst vomiting I have had. It hurt my face. That was awful.

So that's my update! Our next appointment is not until May 22nd! This coming Friday is my last day of school! And May 6th for graduation is fast approaching!

Oh...and just for you Brooke....the pic of me with my goody bag :)

First Ultrasound!

2009-04-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

So today was our first appointment!!! Let me just say I am so happy that we are staying with the same ObGyn because she just about hit the floor when she saw us!!! She said "This is surely a miracle! I mean...especially with all the odds against you guys..." I couldn't agree more! So we went over paper work...I was given a cute little goody bag...haha. And we got an ultrasound!!!

I am just in such awe that I am really pregnant :)

I took SO many pictures! LOL I took one of us in the car before we went in, one of the room....one of DH and our nurse practitioner (who has been with us since a year TTC) and a picture of me with my goody bag. LOL I just took a bunch. But we only took one pic of the ultrasound with my camera. We will get a CD of future ultrasounds.

She said I was measuring 6 weeks 1 day. I was actually 6 weeks 6 days. But she is not concerned at all. She said my EDD is still Dec 4th. Which is our nephew's bday :) We got to hear the heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was the most precious moment! DH started to get a little teary eyed...so of course I did too! It's just been so long awaited...it was just such a special moment! The heartbeat was 115 bpm and she said that was healthy. They took a ton of blood and poked me a gazillion times! Ugh! But we just walked out of there beaming!!! :)

In some strange news...my foster mom is in the hospital with pneumonia. :( She was sick last night and my dad called to tell me he may need us to watch my brother and sister. But instead, he took off last night and tonite. She had an appointment today and they admitted her. She will be there at least until Saturday. But she was very happy to see the ultrasound pics! :)

And lastly, DH and I will be out of the state this weekend for his best friend's wedding in Kentucky. I hope everyone is doing as fabulous as I am!!! :)

Oh...and PS...here's the long awaited belly pic from today...

Week 6 of Pregnancy :)

2009-04-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

Let me just start with...I LOVE BEING PREGNANT.

I seriously can't describe it in words. We had a family get together for Easter yesterday. I am already showing. It's totally bloat...but still. I look like I'm already 4 months or something. So anywho...my aunt is super excited. She wanted to do a bunch of old wives tales to see what I'm having. Apparently...I'm having a girl! LOL But we'll see about that.

Alright...moving on. So my step mom...who I was really surprised was so happy for us...didn't last long. She said something along the lines of "Well what made you guys think to get pregnant now? And aren't you worried about how to manage?" And I usually don't stand up to her and my dad....so I was proud of myself when I said "It may not be the most appropriate time with Joel not having a job now...but no amount of money would show how much I am going to love this baby. I don't regret a thing." Go me :)

So now I'll tell you about my belly. I wish I hadn't left my camera at my aunt's because now I can't post the belly pics. Oh my belly is so huge already. Some of my family thought it was funny...my dad, decided to use it as a jab against my weight. I am so so so used to my dad and his wife saying things about my weight. It's so annoying. So...as we're leaving I go to say goodbye to my little brother that my dad is holding. My dad says "She's gonna give you a little nephew!" And I said "Or a little niece!" And my dad said "Well I think you're having twins..." THANKS DAD.

And of course....NO ONE BELIEVES ME when I tell them I have NOT GAINED ANY WEIGHT! But I really haven't! It is all bloat (and gas! haha)! I weigh...hold your breath....272 and I'm 5'10". So far since I found out I was pregnant I have weighed between 268-274. So as far as symptoms...nothing too bad. I threw up last night which was just fantastic...lol. But besides that, just need to eat when I'm hungry...and I'm good. Right now I am battling with allergies really bad...and it sucks to not be able to take anything for them. I'm getting really bad headaches because of the drainage...and I don't sleep well at night because of it. Also, the coughing doesn't help because when I'm nauseous and I cough...I throw up. So that's not fun.

So our first appointment is Thursday! Can't wait!

Aversions, Cravings...FOOD!

2009-04-09T08:13:00.000-07:00

I AM HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am hungry all the time 24/7. I practically stay hungry. I need to eat about every 3-4 hours so I don't get that extra bad tummy growl. But I'm still trying to figure out what I can carry with me, how I can eat while working (I'm a sign language interpreter-so my hands are pretty busy), and what I can eat.

Aversions: Just about everything cooked at home. Everything I make myself, by the time I've made it, I don't want it. In fact, I will not eat it. My DH has been cooking everything so that I will actually eat. I do not like anything ground turkey (which is what we use as a substitute for ground beef in every recipe), I HATE water, I don't really want a salad, I'm not too crazy about potatoes...and FRUIT. I really can't stand any kind of fruit. I ate some pineapple mixed into my ice cream last night so I could some kind of fruit serving. I think I'm going to have to go the juice route to get fruit. I can't eat any of it!

Cravings: TACO BELL. I am stinkin in love with those 89 cent cheesy double beef burritos!!! I can eat one or two at a time. I could eat this morning, noon, and night. And last night DH made me a bacon, tomato, and mayo sandwich and it was AMAZING! It was so good I asked him to make me another one...and one for lunch today :) I have noticed that I am not really hungry for anything during the day and just kind of have to force myself to eat a little something. But at night! Oh at night I want everything!!!

So tomorrow I go to try on my bridesmaids dress for DH's best friends wedding. I got fitted last week the day before I found out I was pregnant. And boy did she make that dress tight! So I am hoping and praying that it still fits (it's only a week later!) and their wedding is a week from Saturday...so I hope I can make it another week!

Sad news is I have gained back those 3 pounds I lost because instead of puking I have been eating :) haha. So I'm trying my best to be extra careful...at least until the wedding...to make sure I don't go crazy.

Our first appointment to see the baby bean is in a week! I'm so excited I can't stand it! Every night before I go to bed I still look at that positive test. And at least once a day I tell DH "Honey...I'm pregnant!" Because I'm still on cloud 9. Everyone from church is just so happy for us! We have been told by tons of people that we will be great parents. I still stand back and can't believe this is happening for us. I am so thankful everyday for this precious miracle. I can't even describe it!!!

Week 5 of Pregnancy!

2009-04-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

I honestly cannot believe I am writing this blog. I have been so stuck on when to start a new post because I keep logging in and reading my "I'm Pregnant!" post and I just stared at it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would get pregnant like this. It is so surreal.

I feel quite odd now too. I'm kind of stuck in between being an IF survivor and a mommy. I have joined a new message board on babyzone called Pregnancy After Infertility. But I was asked to host the December Due Date Club. I accepted, but then I logged in and the first post a I read was from a girl that is 17 and just found out she was pregnant and her and her boyfriend are planning on getting married, but don't know when now that they're expecting. How am I supposed to have anything in common with her?! Oh yea...we're both pregnant. But I have a feeling this hosting thing will be a struggle...

I feel so lost without offering my support to the ladies on the TTC 9+months board. But I have made my promise to not post there often because I do not want to make anyone uncomfortable. I've been there, done that. And as excited as I am for myself, I have left some incredibly fantastic women back on that board that are still struggling. I will be praying for them everyday that God blesses them.

Now for the fun stuff....I am sick, sick, sick! And it is FABULOUS! I have morning/noon/night/all the time sickness! But I am honestly enjoying every minute of it! LOL I have actually lost 3 pounds because I have been puking my guts out and not eating. DH claims my boobs are getting bigger (well actually he said my 'areolas' but I figured that was too graphic!). I am not really craving any foods...I'm actually quite the opposite. I have food aversions to everything! I'm very very picky right now. On top of that I am hungry about every 3-4 hours, but I only eat a little bit. I threw up last night at church and DH rushed out to get me ginger snaps and ginger-ale. The cookies are incredibly helpful! The ginger-ale...well, I'm not a fan of soda...so I'm working on it. The hardest thing for me is to not have my sugar free crystal light tea! I'm dying of thirst and DH will only let me have water or milk right now til I can find a healthy alternative.

In other news...I have told just about every single person that I know!!! It has been so fantastic and I have just been on cloud 9! My sister was by far the most excited for us! The least excited was probably my dad...but he didn't say anything negative at all...so we're doing alright! My DH has been at my beck and call 24/7! He is so excited! I love him to death! He cooked supper tonite and did the dishes and everything! He is trying so hard to help me out! And I'm not gonna lie...I'm lovin it!

And the BIG news!!! I called my Ob/Gyn today and set up my first appointment! They told me I didn't need to come in for bloodwork?? But anyway...my first appointment is set for April 16th, 2009 at 10:30am. And here's the real kicker...this was the day for our FIRST RE appointment!!! OMG!!!!!!!! We are CANCELLING that! haha I will be about 6 weeks and 6 days for our first appointment which is kind of on the early side of things as far as seeing the heart beat...but the nurse said we would! So that appointment will give me my official due date and we will hopefully be able to see the heart beat!

In other momma news...our puppies are now 1 week old! I swear they have doubled in size! They are absolutely adorable! I need to get pics up!

IM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-04-03T21:44:00.000-07:00

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I finally broke down and took a HPT at 11pm Friday night :)

And I took it and then immediately left the bathroom. DH and I sat on the bed for exactly 3 minutes...and at 10:55pm he got up and saw it. He stared at it and rocked back and forth a bit. And I said "What does it say?!" And he looked at me and said "You're pregnant." And I was speechless!

We stared at each other and hugged and hugged and cried and cried. We called his Aunt Becky first. She is the BEST. Then I called my sister and said "Abby, guess what? You're going to be an aunt!" She was probably the most thrilled person! Then I called my mom and Joel called his best friend and fiancee. We tried and tried to get ahold of his mom, but it was late. His dad works nights at the Walmart down the street so we hopped in the car to see his dad. He about fell over. Then on the way home DH called his brother (yes, THAT BIL) and said "Hey, when's Korben's ( our nephew) birthday?" And Matthew answered "December 4th" And Joel said "Well about 2 days later we're having our own!" And Matthew said "Really? Reeaaallllyyy?!?!?"

And from then on it's been calling best friends and updating things online :) haha My mom asked me who we would tell or if we would wait. And I said "there is no way I'm waiting to tell anyone. It's been too long and I'm too excited!" So most likely Sunday at church I will be telling everyone! However, I am waiting until Easter to tell my dad and his side of the family.

SO!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am due around December 6th, 2009! I can't believe it! But I feel so so so blessed! After all that we've been though...it took a break...and it worked! :)

I will forever remember this day :)

CD 36...Still NO AF!

2009-04-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

So I guess I'm testing in the morning...

OMG if it's negative I will just die!!!

But I bought a 2 pack, so I guess if it's negative tomorrow I will try again a few days later.

And DH has offered to look at it for me so it doesn't make me quite as upset. It was a suggestion from one of the girls on my message board. She said when she takes tests she doesn't look at them and asks her DH to do it for her. She said it helps with emotions. So I'm gonna try that approach.

WISH ME LUCK! I will update tomorrow!

CD 35...

2009-04-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

AND NO AF.

OMG.

My heart is racing. I'm now like...5 days late.

No symptoms. Except extreme nausea this morning, but I am NOT fooling myself.

There's no way I'm pregnant...there's no way I'm pregnant...

So DH has insisted that if AF does not start tomorrow...we're buying a test to take Saturday morning. OMG. I have not tested since Christmas, and we all know how that turned out.

I just keep telling myself...I'm not pregnant, I'm not pregnant...I'm NOT pregnant.

Sorry MIA! Update!

2009-03-31T14:51:00.000-07:00

Sorry I've been a lousy blogger. First off, I have felt like I had nothing to blog about. I started this blog to talk about our IF journey...but when you're on a break, you're on a break. And second, I just have not had time. The good thing about being a break has made me realize that I have a lot of other things to do.

So here is a nice long update.

First I would like to start with a big ole

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To BMoM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I totally cried when I read your BFP post and saw that beautiful faint line. I am so happy that the hyperplasia was all that was standing in your way of starting your wonderful family. AND! I am so pleased to see you become a mom in 2009! You really bit the bullet! December will be here before we know it! Congrats girl!

Alright moving on....to my darling girl, Brooke. I was so heart broken to see you had started AF. I know the only thing pulling you through is your faith. And that is why I know you will never lose it. God knows you are a strong woman. I am so happy to see you pulling through...even if it is on your knees :) I KNOW! that one day you will be a mom. And I totally agree with your recent post where you said "Everyone will know that my baby is a blessing!" I know it! You will make it through this...we will! And I cannot wait to rejoice with you when you finally get that long awaited BFP!

Let me see...next on the list...I guess the hubbs :) He got laid off again. I didn't think to blog about it immediately because sadly I wasn't surprised. He went in one day and out the next. They said the next call back won't be until June. So he immediately decided to take his 2 weeks vacation pay and say "good riddance." It still has not sunk in that he really never has to go back to that TERRIBLE job. He has already contacted a few employers and considering we're still getting pay checks for 3 weeks and I will be working in close to 4-5 weeks...I'm not worried. So speaking of the next 4-5 weeks....

I have FOUR WEEKS LEFT of college!!!!!! I just really can't believe it. I still have 2 papers and 2 finals to complete, so I really don't feel like I'm close to being finished...but it's really coming! May 6th is right around the corner!

Also right around the corner...our RE appointment! Our insurance from DHs job is good through May 1st. Our appointment is April 16th. I had to reschedule it because of a stupid class I had to go to. But it's only 2 weeks later...and considering the other appointments weren't until June...I was happy with April!!! So that's coming up...and I can't wait. And I can't wait to pretty much say I'm done with the Ob/Gyn. No doubt if I get pregnant I will go back to her in a heartbeat. Seriously. She is awesome. She just does NOT have a real good idea of IF and how to handle it. So I will go the fertility specialist for my fertility and the Ob/Gyn for my pregnancy. Sounds pretty reasonable! haha

In random news...my doxie had her puppies! She had four! 3 boys and 1 girl. My sister already picked hers out. She's naming him Brady. They came out in order of color. The first was black, the second (my sister's pick) was black with some brown. The third is the girl and she is light brown with some black. And the last one is light brown/tan. I LOVE THEM! I am NOT naming them...or else I will want to keep them! haha But Lilly is being such a great mommy! She did totally awesome! Sunday we left for church at 7:15pm and everything was fine. We got home at 9:15 and she was whining in the dog cage. We knew it! So we got everything together and placed her in the floor of our closet. At 11pm she had the first one. The second one at 11:40ish. The other 2 were at 4am and 5am. So two of them were born March 29th and the other two were born March 30th. They are now almost 2 days old and precious as can be! I'll add pics if I can find my stupid camera cord!

And finally....it is CD 33 and no AF. I am seriously...SERIOUSLY trying not to get my hopes up. The last day of my "fertile window" was CD 19. My luteal phase is 10-12 days...so if you do the math...if I Oed on CD 19 and had my longest luteal phase...I should have started AF on CD 31. However...if I look at my cycle history, 33 days is the longest cycle I've had since I started charting...so I could possibly start AF tonight or tomorrow. And considering I didn't O on Clomid last cycle...I'm pretty sure it ain't happening!

So that's all for now! Nothing too exciting!

Getting My Mind Off Of Things

2009-03-20T10:38:00.000-07:00

This break so far has been the best thing for me. I have finally opened up (slowly) to my mom about all of this. The two of us have had some crazy bad times and ups and downs in our relationship. She was a really young mom (18) and then made some so-so decisions that affected me greatly growing up. But since I've moved out, gone to college, gotten married...we've become better friends. She may not be the best mom, but she definitely is a great friend.

So Thursday, since my sister, me, and my mom are all on Spring Break (we're all in the school system!) we went out to lunch. We talked about EVERYTHING. Now granted, my sister knows everything about us TTC. She knows we've been off the pill for like a year and a half. My mom knows we've been "technically" TTC since I was diagnosed with PCOS in November. But regardless...I have told my mom about all of our appointments and have her firmly convinced that we're doing the right thing. She knows I'm not on the pill...and she knows nothing's happenin'. So it is so nice to discuss with her all of our troubles...like Joel's SA results and his appointment and how they wont do any more treatments with me until he gets "fixed." It was nice to have someone agree with me when I said "I understand why they don't want to do the Clomid. But there are so many more tests like seeing if my tubes are blocked, checking for endometriosis, etc that they could be doing on me right now." In fact, I believe that this will be the exact conversation I will be having with the RE next week.

THAT'S RIGHT! Our RE appointment is NEXT WEEK! Well...not technically...it's NEXT Monday...not 2 days from now...but still. I'm excited! I am seriously going to say "Since we're on a break because of Joel's diagnosis right now...can we go ahead and do all the 'normal' tests on me now? And get them out of the way?" Because all we know right now is that I have PCOS. Who's to say I don't have endo? Or something wrong with my uterus? Or a blocked tube? Or something else? If I get all these things checked now....that saves us time by the time we're ready to start TTC actively again.

In other news...my mom and I are having a yard sale tomorrow :) I'm getting rid of so many clothes it's not even funny. And junk. Oh man...even if I only make $20 bucks off this whole thing...I could care less. Now that I have all the "give away" and "keep" stuff organized....I can just get rid of it. My house looks like a train wreck right now. It looks like I've only made things worse. But I really have got a lot done.

Oh, something else. I finally got a call from my doctor's office about that referral to the pain specialist! Yeah...that was back in...November?! I seriously thought it had just gotten lost in the paper work. And guess when my appointment is?! JUNE 23!!!!! This guy must be good...especially if it takes 7 months just to get an initial appointment! The nurse said something about how he can't prescribe me meds, but he wants to do physical therapy. EEEEEEKKKK!!! Physical therapy for sciatica is what started this WHOLE MESS! I'm scared to death about going into physical therapy again. It has been months now since I've had what I can an "attack" with my back. And all I've had to save me was my oxy's. And my hydro's. LOL This should be interesting...

So I just wanted to give an update about how my break is going...and honestly...it's FABULOUS! I have no idea if I Oed or not...I had like 10 days of fertile CM and we BDed about 3 times in there...lol. But I officially have no more fertile CM so I'm guessing I'm about 9-10 days away from AF. Today is CD 22.

She Had the Baby...

2009-03-16T16:01:00.001-07:00

Do you guys remember my really irritated post a long time ago about my pregnant host on the BZ Boards?? Well...she had her baby. And he's safe at home now. And I am so happy that she got that blessing.

But OH MY GOD. She is the first real case that I have had where I can say "I was trying as long as she was pregnant." OH MY GOD! I can't believe it. We both joined BZ at this time last year. I had been trying since October, she had been trying since February. Since we joined at the same time we got pretty close. Then she announced her pregnancy in July. And I was so jealous. I had been trying 5 months longer than her! It wasnt fair!

But little did I know that was just the beginning of my TTC journey. See...at first, I couldn't be happy for anyone who got pregnant if I had been trying longer than them. It just didnt make sense. But the sad thing now is that I have just come to deal with it. I've realized it doesn't go in order like that (even if it should!). So especially when she became host...I was really peeved.

I thought "I would make a better host. She just went off the pill and got pregnant. No problem. I'M THE ONE that could tell everyone how it is...and they could look up to me because I'm struggling with IF." But then one day I realized...that's not what they were looking for in a host. Leslie made the perfect host because she was exactly what all the women on the board wanted to be. She was encouraging and sweet and helpful...and pregnant. If that's not perfect for a TTC board I don't know what is. She knew all about charting and how to get started...and that's usually all that women TTC needed. I realized that that was not the board you went to to hear about IF struggles and depressing stories. That's why I moved boards. As much as I hated to leave the friends I had made (and I obviously still checked on them) I needed to get more out of the boards than hatred. I was tired of logging in to a board where some newbie joined and wanted to know how they could "try everything" to make sure it happened as soon as possible. I needed a board with ladies going through the SAME THING as me. I realized that at one time, I was one of those girls who didnt know about IF and was just getting started. And once I kept trying and trying and trying I started to resent the girls that had just joined like they were stupid. But the truth is...I was them at one point. And even more importantly, I wouldnt WANT any of them to have to learn about B/W and U/S and S/A and IUI and IVF. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

So as depressing as it is to see her have her beautiful baby...I am NOT angry or upset. I am so happy for her. It is not my fault nor her fault that she is fertile. And it's not her fault that I'm IF. So Leslie, congratulations on your beautiful baby boy Kyle. He is truly a dream come true and I know you will cherish everyday with him :)

Hmmm....

2009-03-16T08:27:00.000-07:00

So today is my first day of Spring Break! I don't think I have ever deserved a break more than I do now! I have been working my butt off at my internship and going to school...I am TIRED! I woke up at 10 am today! woohoo! haha

So on another not so fun note, I am still fertile?! Um yea...I'm going on 10 days of fertile CM. Now I know DH and I are on a break...so we are BDing only when we really want to. It's not a big deal. It's just irritating because I figured I would just go back to the same old, same old cycle. Not temping has been really really awesome. Seriously. To any of you out there who feel like you're getting nowhere with charting...stop. It has seriously helped my obsessive nature. I don't spend hours and hours staring at my chart in hopes that I'm sensing a pregnancy in there somewhere. I charted for 8 long months. Now I'm not saying it was all in vain. I took them all to my ObGyn and she knew I was serious. It helped me learn how long my cycles were, when I was usually fertile, and when to take my meds. But now...there's no need for it. I know all that now...and there's really no benefit I can get from charting anymore. Especially since we're on a break :) It's been really fabulous so far. And the funniest part is...since I'm not obsessing, I'm not saying ANYTHING to DH that is IF related at all! And I'm sure he loves it! We have kinda gotten back to that feeling of just enjoying being together. So if we BD, then we BD. If we dont, then we dont. I know secretly that since Im still paying attention to my CM that I want to BD or whatever...but I seriously just go with the flow. If he's not in the mood, or I'm not in the mood...then we just enjoy cuddling. And it's fantastic.

So basically...I am waiting it out until May to really do anything. DH and I have our first RE appointment at the end of this month. Oh yea we're still going. DH's next urologist appointment is not until May 15th or something...so it's pretty much perfect timing. I'm sure that the first RE appointment will consist of going over my charts, my PCOS diagnosis, DH's SA, and my Clomid cycle. Then we will get a plan in place. We will have one and 1/2 cycles in between the RE appointment and the urologist appointment. So we will probably take those 2 cycles off and start first thing with our June cycle with the new plan with the RE. I feel really good about this.

In other news...I bought my cap and gown! It's really getting real now! Oh man I am so excited I can't stand it! I graduate on Wednesday, May 6th, at 3:30pm. It's like the weirdest day, I know, and the weirdest time...but still. I'm graduating! And it's been long awaited...so I'm excited!

Wish me luck that I get a "surprise, I was on a break!" BFP :) hahaha

Fertile Time Already?!

2009-03-10T13:19:00.000-07:00

Well...if any of you have been keeping up with my FF chart (which is boring since I'm not temping) I have had fertile CM for the past few days now. There's not been much of it, but I recorded it anyway. Since I've been charting I've pretty much come to know when I'm fertile and not...and I really thought this wasn't fertile.

But then today there was a heck of a lot of it! And I've had cramps like CRAZY today. I have NEVER had cramps around ovulation...So that was weird. It actually HURT REALLY BAD today; so bad that I was doubled over in pain at the computer desk. So I don't know what thats about...

Now I come home and there's no more. So I hope DH is up to BDing tonight before work. I know he's been working a lot, but maybe I can work it out ;)

Good luck to anyone out there about to O! Bring on the 2ww!

Waiting Sucks.

2009-03-09T13:18:00.001-07:00

So this blog is very similar to the thoughts of BMoM over at Journey of Faith-the path to motherhood. She said "Ok, so we all know, this TTC journey (and even the pregnancy journey) is ALL ABOUT WAITING...but I cant help but whine....Are we there yet????? Waiting, waiting, waiting!"

I TOTALLY AGREE. Waiting sucks big time. And I've been on a break for what...11 days?! But right now I'm waiting to O. I'm also waiting on DH to finally tell me we have enough money to buy those vitamins. And I'm waiting for our RE appointment at the end of the month (Oh, yea, we're still going!). And biggest of all...I'm waiting on my blessing.

"I can feel the presence of the Lord, and I'm gonna get my blessing right now. A blessing from the Lord is here." -The Presence of the Lord by Byron Cage. I love love love this song we sing at church.

The most powerful part says "Can't you see Him workin' on the outside? I can feel Him movin' on the inside! So come on and enter in, and cast your cares on Him...He'll open up a window and pour you out a blessing! 'Cause when the Lord steps in He brings everything you need-HEALING, POWER, and VICTORY-so it's all up to you, whatever you need Him to do! Just trust in Him, believe in Him, by faith you will receive!"

And if I'm not mistaken, BMoM has taken on the motto "I believe, I receive!"

And I think that is so appropriate in this trying time of our lives. TTC absorbs every second of our empty thoughts. We can't sit and think about chores we need to do, what shows on tonight, what we'd like to do this weekend...NO. We're consumed with TTC.

But since I've stopped temping I have had nothing to do with the day to day path of TTC. I'm just recording CM and waiting to see some fertile signs. I'm not taking medication besides Metformin...so I don't need to pay much attention to cycle days. I'm not sure if this is good or not. When I was temping I felt like I was on top of things...like I had some control over this. But now I'm realizing that I really didn't...but temping just gave me something to obsess over EVERYDAY. So now I'm thinking I won't obsess. It will only consume my thoughts when I'm fertile or in the 2ww. So I guess that's good...I won't spend "as much" time on TTC. But I can't stop thinking about it because there's always the possibility.

But this is my mindset that I'm trying to create: I believe, I receive. I believe that one day I will have my own baby. I believe that God is just waiting to bless us with the perfect child. I believe that every cycle that goes by there is a reason why God said "now's not the time." It's hard, but I'm learning to accept it. I believe God's got a blessing with my name on it. Now it's just a matter of time before I receive it. And like everything...it's all in God's timing.

Thanks BMoM for such positive posts lately. I stealing your motto ;) haha

I Miss My Husband!

2009-03-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

I am so thankful that my husband is back to work. Thank God that we no longer need to worry about our finances! And by the end of this week I believe we will be caught up on every bill. Thank the Lord.

But on another note...I miss my hubby!!! Joel has worked nights from the second we got engaged, so it's nothing new. But he had 6 weeks of being home all the time and sleeping with me, and being home when I got home, and spending quality time with me in the evening...and now I'm sitting here by myself! And I'm sleeping by myself! And I miss him!

Since he went back to work, things went completely opposite of what they were. He went from having no job to working tons and tons of overtime. And by tons and tons I'm talking he worked 40 hours plus 4 hours overtime and then 24 hours overtime that weekend. That totals to 68 hours last week. And this week is worse. He worked only 8 hours Sunday night, but Monday, Tuesday, and tonight he's gone in 4 hours early. Which means 12 hour nights. And he's pretty sure that tomorrow he's gonna have to work 12 hours and he will most likely work the weekend.

WOW. So needless to say...I went from having home ALL THE TIME to NEVER AT ALL! :(

I miss him lots and lots.

So in other news....I had my first observation today for my internship! It went great! She asked me to interpret only 30 min of the class so the last 30 min we could talk about it. So I interpreted science class. All about the parts of a flower! It went pretty good if I do say so myself! All day my mentor interpreter told me to make sure to remember to take off my watch and my ring before signing. Well...all day I kept thinking about it but thought "I'm not gonna take it off yet..." And then what do you know...I forgot! So I signed the whole thing with my watch on. LOL But my teacher didn't say anything...so I'm not too worried about taking it off anymore.

She said my fingerspelling was very clear and that seemed very comfortable with the situation and stuff. She said I did good with my classifiers for the "venus fly trap" and set up the flower really well. She corrected my sign for leaf (I was signing something close to flag) and my sign for alcohol (I was signing something close to cigarette). I know you're probably wondering "Why would she be talking about alcohol in a 7th grade science class lesson on plants?" Good question....the teacher used the analogy that the stem is similar to the umbilical cord for babies because it sends nutrients through the plant. Then for some reason a student asked about fetal alcohol syndrome...WOW. And that is how this class is...very unruly and the kids speak out a lot. This can be really difficult because all this time your Deaf students are trying to pay attention and then you have to sign something stupid that some other student is saying. Then I have to back track back to the lesson...it's just confusing! lol So anywho...all in all...I passed! And I feel very good about where I am right now. It's only midterm, so I think I'm ahead of the game! woohoo!

On the TTC front...nothing to report. I have to say...it's actually been nice to NOT take my temp! We're doing a way more "laid back" approach. I think we will keep the RE appointment at the end of the month. But as far as Joel's u/s and vitamins....well, we'll get to it when we get to it. With his work schedule now, it will be hard to get the u/s done. And really getting the vitamins is just a matter of me remembering exactly what I need to get next time I go to the store. I also have to make sure that we have enough extra money to get it. So hopefully I'll get it soon. I think we'll have a more "get and go" attitude about all this TTC stuff when I graduate...which is in TWO MONTHS! :)

Month #17

2009-02-27T17:22:00.000-08:00

Hooray....AF is here.

Our 3 month break doesn't technically start until DH starts those stinkin' vitamins! And he hasn't yet...hopefully this weekend...

Nothing new here except cramps, bloating, and irritability. Did I mention I'm not pregnant? Yea...

Not Much To Report

2009-02-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

Well...I'm not pregnant. Obviously. No, AF has not shown up, but I'm just setting myself up for it. She should be here any day now and I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up to her tomorrow because my back is killing me in that "AF" sort of way.

So...let's see. DH has not started his vitamins yet. Mainly because we haven't had time to go search for them and we're waiting for our final unemployment check on Friday. Our last one! DH is so happy to be back at work. But he comes home so sore and so tired! He's been out of work for 6 weeks!!! So hopefully we will get him started on them very soon. I'm thinking I will reschedule his next urologist appointment for 3 months right after he starts the vitamins. We originally had it scheduled from 3 months from the last appointment, but we'll do it exactly 3 months from him starting the vitamins and then schedule a new S/A. After that, we'll schedule a follow up consultation. Hopefully in which we'll get some answers and some idea for what our next moves are. I am scared to death to get bad news. Oh, and also DH needs to do the U/S sometime between now and the follow up appointment. Hopefully once we get back on track here in the next few weeks we can get him in for that.

As for me...I'm in the tail end of an annovulatory cycle. Ugh, it sucks. I had crazy CM this cycle...it lasted for like over a week! And this cycle (since I figured it was a bust anyway) we just BDed when we wanted to. We may have it covered...but I don't really know. But I don't care! haha Oh yeah...I have NOT TEMPED in 4 DAYS!!!!! Ahhhh...it's such a relief. I still log in to FF to record CM and stuff...but no temp. I think I will still do FF without my temp just so I still have a place to record CM, BD and all that stuff. I won't obsess near as much as I do with temps!

So on the school front. OMG I hate history! Seriously...I will be lucky if I pass. I can't even begin to study! Ah! It's the most boring thing EVER! I have a mid term tomorrow...and I have barely, BARELY studied! But for good news...I am loving my internship! OMG it is the best! I am really starting to get more comfortable...and I think the kids are starting to finally get comfortable with me :) It's so awesome.

So for some random news...our heat is out. Which definitely sucks when it's freezing outside! And apparently it's something big like a fan or something that needs to be replaced and DH said $150-$200. Ugh. So we're using space heaters which work quite nice for the bedrooms. And our living room is always cold anyway because we leave the back door open for the dogs; so it's not a problem in there really. I guess we'll be without heat for about a week or 2. Oh well! I hope it gets warmer!

So I guess I will update when AF shows. Or when we finally get DHs vitamins. Whichever comes first :)

Hallelujah!

2009-02-18T15:18:00.000-08:00

Girls...when God turns your life around...he really turns it around!

Just reading over my post from yesterday...I was so out of hope. I was pretty much set on not getting pregnant or even having my life together for AT LEAST the next 3 months. I was terrible to say the least.

But what a difference a day makes!!!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!

Are you ready for this?!

My husband is to report back to work Sunday night....

TAKE IT ALL IN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you that have been faithful readers and friends...I'm giving you a moment :) haha

My...husband...is...going...back...to...WORK!

Now that the excitement is over (yea right!) I will explain it all....

He is NOT going back to the same position he was in. He is taking quite a pay cut. About 3 o 4 dollars an hour less. But please, who cares?! My husband is going back to work! woohoo! So anywho...he has no idea what position he will be in now. The process that he was the operator for is still not back on 3rd shift. Since he is reporting for 3rd shift...obviously he is not going back to the same Level 6 job. The man he spoke to today, who runs the whole factory, said to expect to be put into a Level 2-Level 4 position. The levels show the range of pay. So with worst case scenario he will be put in a Level 2 job, which is quite a bit less pay. But obviously, HE'S GOING BACK TO WORK!!! So he may be put back into the position he was in when the economy improves or things get back to normal.

BUT WHO CARES?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY HUSBAND GOT HIS JOB BACK!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just cannot wait to tell everyone at church that has been praying for us! I will most likely burst out into tears and start praising the Lord uncontrollably at the altar...I dunno about, I may wait until Sunday...hahaha But whatever!!! THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to thank ALL OF YOU that have been faithfully praying for us. This has been the toughest month of my entire life. With my husband losing his job, putting treatments on hold, finding more fertility problems, etc etc....it has been a crazy time! But even though we won't be doing any treatments for the next 3 months....we WILL have the money to put DH on vitamins and we WILL have health insurance to still go to the doctor will illnesses and we WILL be able to pick up right where we left off as soon as that 3 months is up. Insurance was not the only reason we were putting treatment on hold. The fact that DH has fertility issues is a reason to just simply not waste the Clomid. But now we will simply put DH on the vitamins and I will stay on Metformin and focus on losing weight.

Here is our TTC plan that leads us up to our 2 year TTC mark in October:

When the 3 months is up DH will get his U/S and go for his next S/A. Once we get those results, we will look back into Clomid and start 100mg and do that for 5 more months. So by our 2 year TTC mark in October if the Clomid has not been successful then we will look into varicocele surgery (if that is in fact what DH has) and then IUIs or IVF. It will basically be determined by what DHs results are which one we chose to do.

Now...to update you about my appointment with the Diabetes Consultant. She was fabulous! She was very helpful! And I am SO GLAD that I am going through this with the insulin resistance because with my paternal grandmother and my mother both having diabetes I am obviously set up for it! So she made it clear that starting to monitor it now will greatly decrease my chances of getting diabetes...even though insulin resistance makes me 40% more likely to get it. She showed me how to use the little thing that I stick myself with and how to read the meter. She has me checking it at different times throughout the month until my next appointment. She wants me checking it only once a day. I have to vary the time myself. I can chose to do it 1 house before a meal or 2 hours after a meal. Today I chose to do it 2 hours after breakfast. It was 99. I wasn't scheduled to eat lunch until noon (I took it at 10am) so that was kinda low. But basically I am doing at a different time everyday to see what my baseline seems to be or see if I can find any patterns, triggers, etc. She gave me a cute little plate that I use to measure out my food portions. So far so good! It's really not that difficult! I have yet to actually stick myself though! Last night the lady did it for me at the appointment and then DH did it. Then today I had a fellow staff member who has diabetes help me since it was my first time! haha I'm such a loser!

So all in all....man things are starting to get great! I am actually thanking God for this 3 month break because it gives me a chance to have a goal of weight loss in place. That way I will focus all my energy on losing weight and getting healthier and adapting to a diabetic lifestyle instead of IF. Hallelujah! As soon as this cycle is over, I am STOPPING TEMPING!!!!! omg I cannot believe I just wrote that. But yes, after 8 cycles of temping, I'm done. And I most likely won't start again. The Clomid this cycle has made my chart really hard to interpret, so it's not helping anyway. So I believe I am just done. Thank the Lord! This means no more timed BD and no more freaking out! Ahhhh....I guess this break won't be so bad after all. I think I will feel like we are still actually doing something about it since DH will be on the vitamins and I will still be on the Metformin...but I just won't be focusing all my time on it :) Ahhh...much needed.

So...in short...thank you thank you THANK YOU for your prayers and kind words about DH's job. I am so so so thankful to have a SAVIOR like JESUS CHRIST who steps in when His children see no way out! PRAISE THE LORD!!!

Taking a 3 Month Break

2009-02-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

The 50mg Clomid did not make me O :(

DH and my ObGyn feel like there is no sense in using Clomid again since DH needs to wait to find out what is wrong with him. I disagreed because I wanted to see if 100mg worked. Then I would know how much I needed to take once DH got better. But they felt like it was a wasted cycle, so I gave in.

DH did not go for his U/S. It was too expensive. But we have 3 months until his next appointment with the urologist so hopefully we will get it done sometime from now until then. DH is also going to start a vitamin regime:

Vitamin C 500 mg
Vitamin E 400 IU
Folic Acid 1000 mcg
Selenium 200 mcg
Zinc 20 mg
L-carnitine 1000 mg
Lycopene 10 mg

This is a list of all the ingredients in the vitamins that DHs urologist suggested. This is off of www.theralogix.com. This is a website the urologist told us to go to and buy the vitamins. He also told us it takes 3 months for men to create new sperm, so he needs to take it for 3 months and get another S/A. So that is why DH does not have another appointment until May.

I am so bummed. I really feel selfish and guilty for still wanting to try to have a baby after all the financial problems we're facing. DH makes me feel the worst. He is apparently the "voice of reason" and I just feel like a little kid that won't give up. He just doesn't understand. I know secretly that we should stop. But I also have this little voice in that back of my head telling me that we're going to need to do more expensive procedures and I feel like if we go ahead and get the Clomid and stuff out of the way that by the time we are ready...we can go ahead and get the procedures and not waste time. That sounds so crazy. But that is my mind....

So I guess we will be trying naturally for the next 3 months or so. I'm going to stop charting and temping. I'm going to stop it all. I'm so over it anyway. It's been 8 months of charting and temping and it drives me crazy. So I guess Metformin is the only hope I will have during these 3 "natural" months.

I have my appointment later today with the diabetes consultant to talk about taking my blood sugar everyday. Fun fun. I'll let you know how it goes...

Six Things That Make Me Smile

2009-02-15T16:30:00.000-08:00

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to Foxy for tagging me to do this!!! It really forced me to be on the positive side for this post...and I needed that!

1. My DH. Joel is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and he never fails to make me smile!

2. My dogs. I love all 5 of them! They make me smile and laugh all the time! They crack me up with the funny little things they do!

3. My church. I never fail to smile when I'm at church. Even if I'm not really into it, I can always look around and find someone who is getting a blessing...and it just melts my heart.

4. My internship. Thinking about this just made me smile. I have officially found a job I love. Those kids, the teachers, everything about it makes me smile! "Have a job that you love and you'll never work a day in your life!"

5. My family. All of them! They're all awesome! There's nothing better than the whole family getting together and talking and laughing forever!

6. God. I put him last but not least on this list. He has the biggest impact on my life over anything else. When I think of all he has done for me...I am in awe. And I don't deserve it...yet he does it anyway. And that makes me smile....

Now I am tagging BMoM and Brookebug! I think we need a few smiles ladies!!!

I don't have a title...blah, blah, blah...

2009-02-13T13:53:00.000-08:00

So I'm just blah. I'm really only posting just so I can keep up with our steps. I'm very unemotional right now. I haven't been posting much on my message boards...it's just too depressing. This crazy things called TTC has just killed me inside. But the good news is...I don't obsess over it. I feel like I'm at the point where I don't care...and that may just be okay.

So DHs urologist appointment went just fine. We were given a website to look at to purchase some vitamins if we want. They found a bump. He freaked out. The doctor said it may be a varicocele. DH has an ultrasound set up to look at it. He also set up another appointment for 3 months from now to see how we're doing. Oh, I forgot to mention poor DH has to do another "test" Thursday.

And that's it. I have my CD 21 BW this coming Monday. I don't think I Oed. My temps have been so unreliable! But DH and I have not really been BDing much...mainly because I'm trying the whole "BD when you want to" thing and apparently we never "want" to. That's just sad. But anywho...I'm thinking this cycle is a bust.

I'll update when I go to my appointment Monday.

Babies-R-NOT-Us

2009-02-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

So all this stuff is really starting to sink in. I believe that I really am in the depression stage. The sad fact that I will not be a mother any time soon is really hurting me.

Saturday DH and I headed out to get a gate for the top of our stairs. Yes, a baby gate...as they call them. Mine, however, is for my dogs. Why do they not sell these at pet stores or Wal-mart? Well, they do...just not the size I needed. Trust me, I looked everywhere before I finally admitted we needed to take the trip to THAT store.

I have not been in Babies-R-Us since I bought the huge gate for my basement bedroom when I was 18. It was also for my dogs. Back then, of course, I didn't mind waltzing into a store like this because it wasn't my time for a baby. But sadly, I had to go Saturday. We really needed that gate.

So we walk in. Immediately we are greeted by a big ole' baby toosh. Yup, a tooshie. Right there in my face. And the little leg rolls too. And I know you're wondering...what?! Let me explain...it was a big poster in the back of the store that said "Babies-R-Us" On the left side was a cute little baby face and on the right side was smooth little baby butt. My husband could not stop laughing. It was a great distraction. We spent the whole time walking through the store talking about how odd that was and how funny it was. Great distraction. But not too great. I still saw a pregnant woman walking around and registering. And I saw TONS OF BABIES. Of course...I mean DUH! But it sucked. We got what we needed and I practically ran out of there. I told DH I should have brought my nephew with me so I would have fit in. Out of all the people in there...we were buying a gate for our dogs. In line with a bunch of couples with cute clothes and cribs...and we were buying something for our dogs.

Ok...moving on. Sunday we went out to eat for my uncle's birthday. My BIL (yes, THAT BIL) and SIL and nephew and my mom and little brother and sister and my aunt and uncle and cousin and my papaw and nana. Ok. So everyone there has kids. My nephew and my little sister sat next to each other in high chairs. It was the cutest thing EVER. Now I'm not sure if I've said this before, but my mom went through IF too. For 15 years. We're all adopted. Me, my little 7 year old brother, and my 10 month old sister. My mom has never had a baby before. I was 17 when she got me, my brother was 5, and my sister was 8 months. So my sister is the first baby my mom has ever had. And oh my God if anyone ever deserved to be a mother it is my mother. She is the best. Hands down. So while we were laughing at the babies making faces at each other and stealing each other's food I say "Oh my gosh! They're so so cute! I want one!" and my BIL pops up and says "You're only 21! Calm down!"

Alright...that's it. No more sarcastic way of blowing you off yet again. You've got it coming...and BAM. I let him have it. All this crap he throws around to me ALL THE TIME and I just couldn't take it. I said "Matthew, my AGE is NOT the ISSUE here! The fact that I can't get PREGNANT is the PROBLEM!" And you know what? That's all I said. Right there in front of my family...I said it. He responded with "Well, I know that, but I'm just saying you're still young! You have time!" But oh man...he saw how upset that made me. My mom was sitting right next to me and she leaned over and said "I know, I know." Gosh I love her. Then when my BIL got up to get food I leaned over to my mom and I said "I honestly don't know how you did this. I don't want to go through another 14 years of what I've gone through this year. And I know I have time, but I don't want to have to wait." She said "I know. And it's hard. And it's going to be hard. The hardest for me was the first 3 years. That was when I had to see everyone that got married around the same time as me get pregnant and have babies and people younger than me, people who hadn't been married as long as me, and people that didn't want to be pregnant. I couldn't go to baby showers, I cried at baby dedications. It was hard. But after those years I just started praying. And honestly prayer is the only thing that got me through. And since John (my dad) wasn't willing to go through doctors, I just had to pray that God would open some doors." I wanted to bust out in tears. I wanted to say "Mom! I'm going through that now! Help me!" But the thing is, she knows. I may not ever sit down with her formally and talk about it all at once, but when I get test results, I let her know in passing. Or in little conversations like this. She knows. But oh, it still hurts. I told her "Mom, I'm in the angry stage right now." And I motioned to my BIL. She just shook her head. She's been through all those comments. But it's still hard!!!

That's enough depressing stuff for right now. DH has his urologist appointment on Wednesday. I'm really eager to go and find out what the next step is.

Oh, and my SIL found out she is having another boy. She was so upset, she wanted a girl so bad. But I don't care, I'm getting another nephew! And I love my nephew so much right now and I can't wait to meet my new one! They're naming him Kaidyn Matthew. Or Kaydin Matthew. I can't remember how they're spelling it. But anywho...They will have 2 boys : Korben Thomas and Kaydin Matthew. So so so cute. I love being an aunt.

This is It.

2009-02-03T13:03:00.001-08:00

Ladies, I appreciate all your kind words after my lame day yesterday. But today has not gotten any better. It's gotten worse. A lot worse.

So here it all comes....

Today is another snow day :) So I slept all day and watched TV with DH. Good news: DH just got called in for a drug test for a temporary position available. Bad news: It pays half of what he was making and there is no employee health benefits. :(

Good news: I finally made an appointment with an RE. In fact, the same RE that did DH's SA. I finally realized I was finished with this nonsense with the ObGyn and was ready to get a move on. I've only got 4 months before I graduate and I wanted to be pregnant by then. I don't want to waste my time with someone who's not even that interested in getting me pregnant. Also, she will be better qualified to tell us what we need to do and where we need to go from here. Bad news: My appointment isn't until March 30th.

Good news: I've been researching individual insurance plans for us to pay monthly when DHs insurance runs out at the end of the month. I've found some pretty reasonable plans. Bad news: It would just be yet another bill we would struggle to pay every month. And it could be that we can't afford it and that we just go without insurance. Which would mean no doctor's visits, no fertility treatments: NOTHING.

Good news: I finally got DHs SA results. Bad news: It was BAD. Very bad. So bad that my doctor actually called me personally to tell me. She actually came out and said "Your husband is the reason you are not getting pregnant. So the Clomid is probably pointless." She was somewhat sympathetic. She told me that there was actually a note on the test results that said "IVF is the best option. Artificial insemination won't work."

So here's the results she gave me:

Volume: 2.8mL, should be 2-6 mL
Concentration: 5 x 10 to the 6^th mL, should be greater than 20 x 10 to the 6^th
Motility: 20%, should be greater than 50%
Total Motility: 2 x 10 to the 6^th, should be 40 x 10 to the 6^th
Progression index: plus ½, should be 2-4

I am devastated. I can't even put in to words how I feel. All this time I kept thinking "There is something we can do, there is something we can do." I figured we would take a course like Clomid, then IUIs, then IUIs with injectables, etc and move on from there. But now I've been told that IVF is my only option. What a slap in the face. We're not ready to get there. I wasn't ready for that step. I mean, sure, as we go step by step it costs more and more. But this is a giant leap. Clomid to IVF. $20 co pay to $20,000 procedure.

This is it. This is end of my journey. I hate that this is how it ended. I had hope that Clomid would be my magic pill. But instead my journey ends with this. IVF is your option. In other words, you can't have kids unless you're rich. And we're not. The sad truth is that my baby journey ends with this news. It may be picked up here in a year or two, but not now. This is it....it's over. And I failed. My journey was suppose to end with a baby, but it didn't. Maybe in a few years I can pick up where I left off.

Ok, ok, Enough!

2009-02-02T12:34:00.000-08:00

Alright...my DH got his SA on 1-22. So where are the results?! Is it so bad they don't want to tell us? Is it so good that they don't feel they need to tell us?! I'm going nuts here...

So, tonight is my last dose of Clomid. So far, no real side effects. I've been pretty hot at night, but DH and I have both been really sick, so that may be why. I so so so hope this is it. I had the ever so lovely opportunity to go to lunch with my DH and BIL on Saturday. Oh, yea, him again! He's just such a lovely person. I'm not even going to go into details this time about all the hurtful things he said. DH and I just shook our heads. "He just doesn't get it!" were DH's words exactly. And I totally agree. He really just doesn't. His sarcasm makes me want to puke. And if DH and I even remotely stick up for ourselves or actually try to say something to get him to stop, he seriously doesn't get it. I mean, seriously! He is that out of it.

So today I've been thinking about my MIL. How she takes care of my nephew 24/7. How she will end up taking care of their new baby as well. What about my baby?? Will she ever babysit my baby?? She has her FIRST grandchild from my BIL and SIL. Fine. They're older than DH and all...yay. Now if my SIL has a girl this time, won't that be it? She'll have it all. She'll have her grandson and her granddaughter. And DH and I will be the "Oh, they haven't had kids yet..." *sigh*

So, DH had an interview today. I'm happy for him. I think he'll get it. Down side: no health insurance. aaahhhhh. We have coverage until the end of February through his last employer. After that, that's it. We're done. No DAs, no Clomid, no nothing. Everything will be put on hold. Why me?! Ugh I feel sick to my stomach. Maybe it's just a side effect of Clomid? I dunno...

For some reason today is a very BAD DAY. And you think it would be good...it's a snow day :) School got let out at 12:30 today so I just got to come home. I've been on the computer since I got home. It's just a bad day. All the realizations of "this really is happening...I'm not getting pregnant" and the "it may never happen" and the "you're gonna have to wait because you need assistance because you're not worthy of pregnancy on your own." are all coming.

I'm finished with the "maybe"s. Maybe it's this, maybe it's that...NO. I DESERVE A BABY. And the sad fact is, this is just simply NOT FAIR. And there's nothing I can do about it. I've had enough. My optimism has officially worn off. So many times I get compliments from other ladies of how "optimistic" I am on this journey. Well, I'm sorry. I can't be that person anymore. I'm tired. I just can't. Women have tried, gotten pregnant, and delivered within the time frame that I have been TRYING. So I'm done....I give up. I have no more strength. And no more insurance. So if this round of Clomid doesn't work...oh well.

God, I'm putting it all in Your hands. All of my burdens...problems...all of my questions...I put it all in Your hands.

Poppin' That Pill...

2009-01-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

Or, in my case, pill-S-

Ugh...man I am SO SICK. Bronchitis and AF and back pain all together. Can we say "DEATH WITHOUT DYING?!" Yea...this sucks.

SO! Some updated news. I will start Clomid tomorrow. I'm going to take it before I go to bed thanks to some great suggestions from the women on my TTC Boards. That way I can sleep through the side effects or at least decrease them. Right now I am also on hydrocodone for my back pain...oh yes, it's back! And my doctor continues to say "you know...you're back will still hurt and will probably hurt worse if you get pregnant." Yes, I understand this. But I would rather be pregnant with back pain than just have back pain. So since we still can't figure out what the problem is...why not keep trying to a baby?! It's what I want...so I'm not sitting around and waiting for you to find out what the problem is!

So I am taking an antibiotic too...big ole horse pills! NOT easy to swallow when you've got a big ole swollen sore throat! I have completely lost my voice. I didn't even go to my internship today! The first day I've missed so far. And technically, you don't need a voice to be able to interpret! lol But I don't want to get the kids sick or anything...and I needed some R&R!

So...DH and I are really ready for this baby. DH did his SA Thursday morning! We still haven't gotten the results back, but something tells me it's just not DH. I mean, how likely is it that there's a problem with both of us? I have PCOS...and that's enough for an IF diagnosis. But still...I do want to know the results so we don't waste too much money on this Clomid or anything else. It cost us $20. Not too bad. I just hope we don't need to keep taking it for the next 5 months too!

Please God let this be it for us. I am so ready to be a mom, I am so ready to my husband a dad. He will be a great dad. We are ready for a family, a car seat, baby blankets, diapers, bibs, sleepless nights, and non stop cleaning. We are ready for that because we are also ready to decorate a nursery, take family photos, and plan showers and birthdays. We are ready to give my nephew and soon to be niece/nephew a baby cousin. We are ready to make my little sister an aunt at 14. We're ready to make my parents grandparents for the first time at 40 and 42. We are ready to "baby proof" our house so little hands and feet can crawl around. We are ready to plan our meals and alone time around nap time. We are ready to jump up at every little peep that comes from the baby monitor for the next year. We are ready to give our baby a bath and a bottle and watch them slowly fall asleep in our bed and then slowly try to lay them down in their crib without waking them. We're ready for the "ooohhhs" and "aaahhhs" from strangers over our beautiful baby. We're ready to give our unconditional love to the most innocent and sweet little baby we've ever seen....our own.

So God...when you're ready to give it, we're ready for our miracle.

Sick, Sick, Sick!

2009-01-26T07:41:00.001-08:00

I am SICK! haha

I have had what I thought was a cold for the past few days...and I have gotten worse, and worse, and worse!

So today I think I have had this crud for about a week now! And I'm not getting better! So I'm going to try to make a doctor's appointment soon. I need some medicine! This over the counter stuff ain't workin'!

So in the world of IF...according to FF I am 13 dpo today. hahahahahahahahaha. Not a chance. I have already given up this cycle. My temps, CM, basically everything...was so off this cycle! I can honestly say I am not sure when I Oed. So basically, I'm just winging it here! AF usually starts sometime between the 25th and the end of the month. I'm sorta expecting her today. But it doesn't matter. I have Clomid waiting on me! Woohoo! :)

So the only that sucks worse than AF...is AF with an illness. And oh yes...it sucks! So let's all keep our fingers crossed that AF will stay away. Of course, that's what I'm hoping. If not, let's all hope and pray that Clomid is all I need. I don't want to be selfish...but IF sucks for everyone whether you've tried every treatment or are just starting to try treatments. It just sucks in a different way.

So I will update when AF shows...and hopefully this creapin' crud will go away! Bring on the Clomid baby! :)

Here Comes Clomid! And Marriage Retreat!

2009-01-17T15:58:00.001-08:00

So here's the update from my appointment on Friday...

It started with hearing that I had not lost weight. This shocked the crap out of me because I weigh myself at home once a week! And I have lost weight! I use the same scale...so I know it's not that! However, in my defense (and to make myself feel better) I had on some huge boots and a coat...and all that had to increase my weight! Now the sad part, I think I've only lost 2 pounds since I started the Metformin. It's the sad fact that I have no self discipline. One day will be a good diet day, then the next...not so much. So my weight has gone down as much as a 5 pound loss in 1 week...only to get right back to where I was the next week. But the good news is I'm not giving up! The more and more I do GOOD, the less and less I do bad...so hopefully even though I fall off the bandwagon, I can get right back on. Better than just giving up, right?

So that's enough about the depressing fact that I'm 100 pounds over weight :( Moving on...

My ObGyn was also not very pleased with my weight. She was also not very excited about moving on to meds so quickly. She said she would like to see me lose 100 pounds before I get pregnant. (yea right!) She said she would also like me to give the Metformin alone another few months. (again, yea right!) However, she also added that if I really was ready, she would go ahead and start me on 50mg Clomid once this cycle is over and I start my period. DH and I talked it over...and we're both ready. We're both making a better effort diet-wise, but we don't want to put this on hold. I told him "I don't feel like I'm in a rush. I just don't feel like 15 months of trying and wanting to move on to meds is quick." And he agreed. He's so relaxed...he's ready for whatever. He knows this stresses me out, so he is GREAT with accepting whatever. He's ready to be a dad...he's ready for a pregnant wife and planning for a baby...he's ready to start meds...he's ready to start procedures....just whatever. He's up for it. :) He's great. :)

My Dr told me that she does 5-6 rounds of Clomid. If that doesn't work, then she will refer us to a fertility specialist. So that brings us up to June or July. My birthday is July 15th and I would like nothing more to get to announce that I was pregnant on my birthday. Or DH's birthday. It's August 3rd. That would be great :)

DH said he would get his SA sometime this upcoming week. That way if there is something wrong there we won't waste or time or money on the Clomid just yet. And speaking of DH, he has 3 interviews set up for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday! I'm so proud of him! They are all with temp companies, but that is how he got the job he was at. So even if he has to start out at a smaller wage, I'm confident that he can move up again! And we only have 4 months before I graduate and start working again! So we're OKAY!!! It's so comforting to know that we're okay. God is so good :)

And on that note...our marriage retreat was AWESOME! We played a game Friday night similar to "the newly wed game" except that they picked 6 couples from a different "years married" group. The groups were 0-5 years, 6-10 years, 11-15 years, 16-20 years, 21-30 years, and 31 and up! And me and DH got to represent the 0-5 years group! Yay!

So the questions were all about our wedding....they sent all the husbands out and asked us questions...then they brought them back in to answer them and if they matched we got points! So the first round me and Joel got all of them right! Woohoo! Then the second round they sent all the wives out. I missed one! Gah! I couldn't believe it! haha The question was "How many months were you engaged?" I said 12...DH said 13! LOL We were engaged on July 28th and married August 11th. So it was understandable that both of us answered what we did! But we still won!!! All the other couples missed 2 or more! hahaha! It was great! Our Bishop and his wife represented the 31 + group. One question was "What color was the suit/tux your husband wore at the wedding?" Our our Bishop's wife announced "Blue Surge" and we all started dying laughing! She laughed and said he would never remember! And guess what? Our pastor asks him the question and he announces "BLUE SURGE!!!" And the whole crowd was in an uproar of laughter! Then the next question was "What was the main color of your wedding?" Our Bishop says "Ivory" and his wife looks at him and says "What?! It was pink!!!" And of course all the men start asking him "You remember 'Blue Surge' but you don't remember pink?!" haha! Then he turns to his wife and says "Well honey, the only person I saw was you and you were in white!" aaawwww! It was so so so much fun!

Then this morning's message was about what to do when your perfect marriage (a beautiful vase) crashes into pieces. Our speaker actually knocked over a porcelain case and it shattered! He explained that the world tells you to just throw it away because it is unrepairable. But you need to bring the broken pieces to the alter and give them up to Jesus. Tell him "this is all we have, but we know you can fix anything." Then he pulls out an exact replica of the original vase and says "And once you let Jesus mend your marriage it is just as valuable as it was before it shattered. No glue, no tape, no cracks!!! That means NO SCARS! Good as new! There is no evidence that a problem ever existed!" Oh Hallelujah! It was such a powerful message!

Then he asked us to all gather around the front and pray with our spouse. Then we prayed for our pastor and his wife. It was great! And then the most amazing part of the whole experience...mine and DHs talk afterwards in the car. I said "Wow that was a great message. Very powerful. There are a lot of people I can think of that should have been there for that." And DH says "Yea, but is it just me or did you think that didn't apply to us much this time? I mean, I know we're facing hard times right now, but...I just don't feel like our marriage is in pieces." And I said "You know what? I was thinking the same thing!" I felt like we could learn from the message, but I honestly felt than much more happy with my marriage that PRAISE GOD we have not been through that kind of "shattering" of our marriage. And I pray that we never do.

So I know this post was extremely long! So here's the summary: Marriage retreat was AWESOME and FUN! I start Clomid 50mg CD 3-7 in February and keep taking it through June or July. I'm not sure about whether she ups the dosages through that time frame or not, but we'll see! Say a little prayer for us that our marriage stays as strong as it is and Clomid is what leads us to our BFP! :)

Come on Eggie!

2009-01-15T15:21:00.000-08:00

It is CD 22 and no O yet! Ugh! I'm frustrated! I could have sworn yesterday was the big O, but apparently not...at least according to my temp. So I'm guessing that it's today? So whatever...we'll BD tonight and that means we will have the best BD timing so far...that will be a nice comfort...but it will also show me that BD timing is NOT our problem when I see AF in 2 weeks!

I have my Ob/Gyn appointment tomorrow :) I'm excited! I am going to tell her everything that has happened with DHs job and I will BEG HER to go ahead and give me the meds she thinks I need! And try to fit in as much as we can before the end of February! And the thing is...I don't feel guilty...I don't feel selfish...I just want to know what it feels like to be pregnant. I want to know what it's like to be a parent. And I will! One day...and I don't mind waiting...just cuz I know my time is coming :)

On an even brighter note!!! I am LOVIN MY INTERNSHIP! Seriously! My interpreter mentor is AMAZING! And the 2 kids I work with are AWESOME! I am working with a middle school interpreter and 2 7th graders. One with a whole Deaf family, and one who comes from an all speaking family...and they speak Spanish! He has a cochlear implant...and he is learning sign language and English at the same time! Crazy!!! But man he cracks me up! This is my second day...my first full day...and I was already interpreting! The girl I work with got caught up in some drama, so my interpreter had to go with her to the office and I had to stay with the boy! For math AND social studies! Whew it was crazy! But it was so much fun! :) He even told my interpreter when I came back that I did great :) And then he turned to me and told me I was a "special woman"!!!!!!!!! How sweet! I told him he was a special kid :) Ahhh this is awesome :)

DH has not found a job yet...but honestly, with our savings...we will be ok. I'm not really scared...we have a lot of money coming our way and I feel like we're going to be okay! God's timing worked out that we're getting all this money right when we need it :) He's taking care of us!!! But just because my DH does not have job right now does not mean we are putting our life on hold. I mean...my BIL and SIL can just pop 'em out when their finances are WAY worse than ours?! No one is going to make me feel stupid or selfish for wanting my family to grow. Crack addicts and prostitutes can get pregnant...and I'm selfish for still wanting fertility meds after my DH gets laid off? I don't think so! So I don't care what anyone thinks! We're a strong family :) And we'll be fine!

Tomorrow DH and I will be gone for our annual Marriage Retreat with our church in Gatlinburg. We decided to still go, but cut it down to one night instead of 2 to save money. But I don't think God will punish us for wanting to strengthen our marriage :)

So come on eggies!!! Come on down!!! I'm starting to worry that you're too comfy up there! You got plenty of friends waiting on you! haha So come on down and meet one! I'm tired of waiting!

So I will update later on my appointment and O day :) Hopefully we are one step closer to our BABY :) And say a little prayer for us that God will bless my DH with a great new job. I prefer to see this as God sending DH something better...he hated that job and I hated that job...and it was irritating. So even though the comfort of the weekly paycheck is gone, maybe God is just sending him something better :) And I have faith that that is the case! Keep us in your prayers!!!

My Hubby Lost His Job

2009-01-11T21:59:00.000-08:00

:*(

Say a little prayer for us :(

Financial Woes

2009-01-11T13:21:00.000-08:00

I didn't go to my ObGyn appointment Friday. I rescheduled it for this coming Friday. I had to cancel it on a whim...

DH may not have a job come tonight :(

They are laying off 1/5 of his company and all weekend DH has been stuck in rut. He has tried to call many people...some have said "we all got canned" others have said "if you haven't been called, then you've still got a job." So needless to say, he is freaking out!

Our baby dreams are on hold now. I told him that no matter what happens...if we lose our house, our car...everything...I would be right there squeezing into our cardboard box with him on the side of the road in the rain. And I would still love him more than I do even today :) He's the best. And I feel so helpless because I do not know what to do to help him cope with the "not knowing."

However...since he has not gotten a call...it seems like there is a good chance that he still has his job. He is going to go in tonight. And if he is told to go home, then so be it. And if he's still got his job...then so be it. We've been talking about all weekend and we are prepared for what the Lord has in store for us. It will be a blessing either way. If he got laid off then we will thank the Lord for this job that has brought us this far and thank Him for the job he has yet to give my husband. If God choses to let him keep this job, then we praise Him for letting him still have a job after everyone but 5 people on his process were let go.

That's right...only 5 people are left on his process. He was told this lay off is going strictly by seniority. DH will have been at this job for 2 years this February. That is a REALLY long time considering the turn over rate at this job. However, people with more seniority than him can take over his job and he, in turn, can take over a job from someone with less seniority than him. So he may go in tonight to find that someone else took him job and he has been moved down. But that's ok. We are ready for anything.

So I am nervous about tonight. If he still has a job then alright! I can go to my appointment on Friday and we can continue...but if not. Oh God, if not...I will be stuck. We will be stuck. There will be no further testing, meds, etc to have our baby. Now I know what you're thinking "If her husband lost his job they don't NEED a baby! They couldn't afford one!" But that is not fair. My BIL and SIL have a son and one on the way and BIL works 2 jobs and SIL works part time and goes to school. They just bought a trailer to put out on my MIL and FIL's land. How do they afford a son and a baby?? How are they "worthy" of children right now? The truth is...that they weren't financially ready for Korben....or this new baby. But that didn't stop them from trying for Korben or from "accidentally" conceiving this baby. So the truth is...DH and I may not be able to afford a baby if he gets laid off...we would make it. We have savings and it's not like DH wouldn't look for another job!

But the sad reality of it is...if I just "fell pregnant" it wouldn't be an issue...but putting forth MONEY for IF is one of those "you're money could be better spent right now" situations. If it was a baby, no one would think twice. But for some reason it is SO WRONG to put forth money to actually HAVE that BABY!!!

So we're stuck right now. With no baby and no way to pursue that baby right now :(

My New Year's Post

2009-01-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

So finally I am making my new year's post.

I have been in a TTC funk. Ever since AF played that evil trick on me and stayed away for so long...only to show her evil face on Christmas evening. I was so mad. It just gave me false hope and for a minute or two I actually thought about how to tell the family. That was just stupid of me. Why would I be pregnant?! I'm not getting pregnant...

So here's an update...I have taken a little hiatus from my TTC After BC Board. It was a really hard thing to post...that I was struggling with congrats to new BFPs and watching people TTC for a lot shorter time pass me up. It didn't seem fair. And as my host's pregnancy is winding down (she's due in April) I just couldn't handle the reality that I have been TTC during her whole pregnancy and most likely won't be pregnant by the time she has her beautiful baby boy. I feel like I have become friends with the ladies on that board. Now I also started another board, the TTC 9+months Board....but I don't really feel as close to those ladies as I do on the other board. I have been checking on the TTC After BC Board regularly, just not posting. Which is good for me because I don't feel obligated to post.

The next update...my next ObGyn appointment is Friday morning. The Metformin alone seems to not be working. At least, it didn't last month. I still have this month. I'm about a week or so away from Oing this month. But I missed some doses of my meds while we were on vacation...so that's not good. But if this month doesn't work I will have another plan in place after my appointment. That makes me happy.

So maybe I'm not going to be the one who gets pregnant just off of meds alone. Oh well. All I have is time. Oh! And by the way...one of my girl friends from high school, who is also named Emily :) and is a year younger than me...is, yup, you guessed it, PREGNANT. She's not married, she's not even dating anyone. Ugh...

All I have is time, right?

Happy New Year! This is the year of MY PREGNANCY. 2009 is MY year.

Emotionally and Financially Struggling

2008-12-30T11:54:00.000-08:00

WE ARE READY FOR A BABY.

I spent all Christmas listening to my BIL and SIL talking about their "oops baby" and how disgustingly fertile they are.

It was AMAZINGLY AWESOME to get away with DH for vacation. We had a wonderful time at Disney World and the beach. It was exactly what we needed.

Friday night we spent time with DH's family that lives in Florida. His cousin and his wife have been married for 13 years and never used any form of BC. They never went to the doctor, never tried anything. And they just had a beautiful baby girl on August 4th. She was so precious. DH and I actually slowly opened the door to ask them about their IF. They were eager to discuss it.

They are very religious people. The same denomination as us. They left it in God's hands. And even though we are not strong enough to do the same (as in not going to the doctor) they were so helpful and supportive. It was so nice to open up to someone else who understood. We were able to tell them the stupid "sperm donor" and "surrogate" comments we got from BIL and SIL. DH's cousin said "There is just no reason to say that. There is no excuse for being that insensitive." And I just cried. Someone understood! And even though DH and I have decided to go the medical route to conceiving, they gave us so much hope to still trust in God. DH and I believe God has given doctor's medical treatments for a reason. We have our own personal views and I am not trying to start a debate or fight anyone else's beliefs, but we are so happy with our decisions.

We are going forward. We are not putting off doctor's appointments or anything. We are just going to go for it. There is no sense in waiting. We're going to try our best to be smart financially, but we are moving forward. DH and I had a great vacation. We had a great time together and wonderful talks. And for once I really feel like DH and I are on the same page. We are finally doing something together and working toward the exact same thing. :)

WE ARE READY FOR OUR BABY.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

2008-12-25T16:32:00.000-08:00

I got a freakin' BFN this morning...I was either 15dpo or 13dpo...and STILL NO AF!

OMG were my hopes high! Even after seeing the negative I still thought...oh man I am just NOT myself...it MUST be too early.

Then we had DH's family over for Christmas. Ahhh. It's so nice to have a BIL who LOVES to talk about how fertile him and his wife are and how they NEVER have had ANY problems getting pregnant! Especially considering the one she's pregnant with now was NOT planned!

Then the jokes start...that my husband must be shooting blanks...that we must not be doing it right...and the inevitable "just relax." Ohhh. NICE. 'PRECIATE IT. You little *beeping* *beep* *beep* *BEEP*!!!!!

My poor sweet mother in law...she bought my SIL a maternity shirt. VERY cute. She just wants grandbabies. She has my nephew...and another one on the way. But not from me and DH. She said "Miss Emmyline, am I going to have 3 grandbabies to buy for next Christmas?" After DH announcing to everyone that I was sick at my grandmother's last night. Oh...and he announced to everyone that I was 4 days late. Greeeaaat. Thanks for that. So then of course EVERYONE starts picking on me for being pregnant.

Until I just come out and say "I TESTED! It was NEGATIVE! GET OVER IT!" And...my SIL and BIL respond with "Oh that doesn't mean anything...you should wait a week and test again."

And then dinner ends...and I had to pee...and lo and behold, I started. I cried. And I sat there. And I cried some more. And then I painted my face back on and went back to the group. I text DH with a simple note "I started." I didn't say anything to anyone about it. But I was SO SURE THIS WAS IT. My temperature stayed up. No cramps. New meds. But a BFN.

Merry Freakin' Christmas

Tagged! Random Facts!

2008-12-24T10:51:00.001-08:00

I got tagged! Well, not really, but BMoM was tagged and said anyone that wanted to participate could...so I'm doing it!

The rules of the tag are as follows: 1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you. 3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

Random facts about me:

1) I have 4 sets of parents....my biological parents, my step-parents, my foster parents, and my in laws...and we visit ALL OF THEM every holiday :) I also have 2 brothers and 2 sisters...my 13 year old half sister (same mom) Abby, my 2 month old half brother (same dad) Benjamin, and my foster siblings, 6 year old Jeremiah and 9 month old Breanna.

2) I have had a significant life changing event happen to me every year since I was 17...at 17 I started dating DH and lost my grandmother (practically my mother), then I turned 18 and started college, got engaged at 19, married at 20, became a foster mom at 21, and I'm hoping to be a real mom by 22...try to keep the list going :) lol

3) My favorite alcoholic drink is a Medori Margarita on the rocks. I tried it for the first time when I was 19 at the Japanese Steak House in Disney World the night we got engaged. I only order it once in awhile...and for special occasions...like my 21st bday! :) And I'm totally going to get another one when we go back to Disney World this weekend!

4) I wake up with a headache everyday. I have not gone without a headache everyday since I was 17. I have Imitrex for migraines that I get occasionally....but still no doctor can figure out why I wake up with one everyday.

5) I wanted to buy the car we have now (Izusu Ascender) to plan for a large family...it seats 7. We only have a 2 person family...but doggonit I WILL have a car seat in there one day!

6) I grew up with 5 dogs my whole life. So when I got older and got my own place I wanted 5 dogs too. Guess what? We have 5 dogs :) Ella and Benji (dachshund/terrier mix), Milo (pug/terrier mix), Lilly (full blooded dachshund), and our newest addition, Budha (terrier mixed with something...)

7) The Producers, the remake with Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick is my all time favorite movie. No comparison. I have literally watched this movie over 100 times I'm sure...and DH and I can quote every line. This is random because I do not like ANY other movies besides scary movies. The SAW movies hold a special place in my heart.

I'm not going to tag anyone in particular because I'm not sure how many of you will want to do this over holiday season...so if you want to do it...then I'm tagging you!

AF/BFP...one of you please show!

2008-12-22T17:39:00.001-08:00

I need one or the other....seriously.

I am 12dpo today. No signs of AF coming. My luteal phase is only 10-11 days long...so this is unusual. I should be taking a HPT in the morning...but I'm not going to!

See, FF really screws with me. A couple months ago FF told me I Oed earlier than I actually had. It got my hopes up, made me anxious, and I even tested (and I do NOT test). Just to find out I actually Oed a few days later.

And that is what's happening again. At least I think so anyway. FF this cycle says I Oed on CD 16. If that is the case, then AF was due today and she did not come. I should be able to test and I should get a BFP. But after FF screwed me, I don't trust them anymore with my emotions.

So this cycle I think I actually Oed on CD 18, not CD 16. If this is right, then I am only 10dpo today and AF should start tomorrow or Wednesday. So I should NOT test in the morning. I should wait to see AF on Wednesday...and if she doesn't show THEN I would test on Thursday morning. I am trying to be reasonable and trust FF again because there is still another "possible" O day.

I am so mad. I hate being hopeful...I prefer being reasonable. I secretly want to test. But I am NOT going to! I am going to wait. And the thing is...I KNOW AF is going to show...I KNOW it. I just hate that I feel an ounce of hope because that way I will be upset when she shows. If she had just come like normal...or FF had given me the correct O day...then it would just be another AF. But no...this one will upset me...and I hate that.

So for anyone who is interested, you can check out my chart by clicking on the link to the right that says "My Chart." Really hard to find, huh? lol So if anyone wants to humor me...take a look at it and let me know what you think...

Merry Christmas! I most likely won't post until next week because of our vacation over the weekend...unless I get a BFP...so I hope you guys have a great holiday!!!

I just can't handle it anymore!

2008-12-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

I am so freaking tired of seeing BFP posts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh...I know that just makes me sound like a wonderful person (lol)....

So I joined the TTC After BC board back in March 08....and have since made lots of friends with a lot of the ladies on there....

But then there are ALWAYS the ladies who join...and start with a post that looks like this...

"New Here!"

Hi ladies! My name is (insert name here). I'm coming to join you! My DH and I are just so excited to start to TTC! I just went of the pill 'yada yada' last month. We are TTC our first! So if anyone has any suggestions as to what to do to help me out it would be much appreciated! I'm VERY new to all of this and I can't wait to get to know you ladies!

And that's the end of that post......

Then they seem MIA for awhile...not a regular poster to cheer on other fellow TTCers...but then...well, you know what's coming....

A month (or less) later...we get THIS post....

"OMG! I can't believe it!"

OMG ladies!!! I can't believe I'm pregnant! I just tested this morning and there is no denying it's a BFP! I was sooo not expecting to be one of those ladies who got lucky enough to get pregnant so quickly! I just want to let you guys know that I will be praying for all of you to get your BFPs too!

And then they just bounce right off to their DDC....

And I hate them.

And I can't post a "congratulations" response...because I'm not happy for them. It should be me. Not them. I am the one trying and trying and trying...not them! I hate that I feel this way...so negative!

I have become the "old faithful" poster on the TTC After BC Board. One of our hosts is not TTC right now. She has a 2 year old DD that took her 11 months to conceive. She's waiting until next summer to TTC again. Our other host joined BZ at the same time as me. She went off the pill in February. I had been off since October. She got her BFP in July. 5 months. And she wasn't even regular. She became a host shortly after she got pregnant...a host of a TTC board! Seriously?!?! Just a big fat reminder right in my face every time I log in...that she got her BFP and I didn't...and we joined at the same time...and I am still struggling while she will be holding a precious baby in April...

But don't get me wrong...I LOVE my hosts! They are so freaking awesome and supportive! It's the other women who join and move on so fast...that I'm having a hard time visiting that board.

And then the TTC 9+months Board. Our hosts are great there too. One of them already has 3 kids, but is apparently having trouble conceiving the 4th (ugh). Another has not done ANY treatments and she has been TTC for 21 months. Amazing. And then our last host, who is pretty much in the same boat as me...same amount of time TTC and everything.

I think I am going to slowly back out of my TTC After BC Board...I love those steady ladies over there...but I just can't handle the BFP posts anymore. The BFP posts on the TTC 9+ months Board are so encouraging and I am truly happy for them. But the whole "I was one of the lucky ones!" posts are just killing me...

So now that I feel like a total jerk...I think that's the end of my post. Oh, besides the fact that I am in the 2ww...and I will get my BFP on Christmas morning if AF doesn't show on Christmas Eve. Crazy, right?! It could be the best...or the worst...awesome.

Come on Metformin miracle!

2008-12-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

So I am now in the timed intercourse phase! haha

Today is CD 18 and I usually O between CD18 and CD21. Lucky for me it fell on a weekend!!!

So we BDed today ;) and hopefully we will BD EVERYDAY until I get that thermal shift!

I am praying and praying that the Metformin is making me O...I would like nothing more than to get my BFP around Christmas! It would be the BEST present I've ever received!

As realistic as I am trying to be...I cant help but fantasize how I would tell everyone that I was pregnant. It is terrible to get my hopes up, but it would be SO FUN to get to announce my pregnancy at Christmas time. I have thought about taking pictures of the test and buying "Nana's Angel" shirts for my mother and MIL and giving them that for Christmas! Oh they would be so excited!

But I just need to bring myself down to reality and think that this may not be it yet...

But I can dream! Bring on the miracle!

Our Story

2008-12-08T21:23:00.001-08:00

So I thought I would write out mine and DH's story...just for fun :)

I met him way back when...when I was 15 and had just started a new church. And then once I moved in with my foster parents (as I call them) we got really close. We started dating in December 2004. I was 17 and he was 22. Our first date was my school play! He was my date to my senior prom :)

On my 18th b-day he gave me a promise ring. This was July 2005. I started college in August...and we continued to be in love :)

Then in July 2006 we took our first vacation together to Orlando, FL and stayed with DH's aunt. We went to Disney World (my first time!) and on our last night there, before the parade and fireworks at Magic Kingdom, DH proposed in front of the castle. It was MAGIC :) hehe We had people from everywhere congratulating us! It was amazing!

So I came home, 19 years old, and engaged! I went through my sophomore year of college and we got married August 11th, 2007 when I was 20 and he was 25. We, of course, went back to Disney World for our honeymoon!

So that brings us to now. We decided to "put it in God's hands" and "just see what happens." We wanted to be young parents. As many problems as I have had with my parents, I still LOVE the fact that they are still young. They had me when they were 18 and 20. I am 21 now and he is 26. We took guardianship of a 17 year old boy that we knew from church in Sept 2008. We were happy to help him out...and it gives us practice for the future! So...I am now a college senior...graduating in May 2009! I hope to get a BFP before then!

Hopefully this was just a fun little background on us! I just thought it would help you get to know me a little bit more!

The Husband Tag!

2008-12-08T09:58:00.001-08:00

So Annie tagged me to do the husband tag! I love my hubby to death! This will be fun!!!

5 Things Joel Loves:

1. Me :)

2. His Family

3. Reading
4. Computer Games

5. MOVIES! lol

5 Things on Joel's "To Do" List:

1. Pick up Jordan from school today

2. Pick up his work clothes from his mom's

3. Call Superior Finance

4. Take a shower

5. Fix dinner :)

5 Foods Joel Enjoys:

1. Burger King...he could eat here every day!!!

2. My Cincinnati chili

3. Misaki's

4. Chinese

5. Steak

5 Things You May Not Know About Joel:

1. he has carpal tunel and has to wear stints at night

2. he takes a shower downstairs so our bathroom upstairs doesn't get stained from the grease he has all over him after work

3. he moved up in his job faster than anyone ever!

4. he watches movies instead of TV in his spare time

5. he cooks better than me :) haha

5 Quirky Things About Joel:

1. he never gets the words right to ANY songs! lol

2. he cant' sleep in t-shirts

3. we have aluminum foil over our bedroom window because he cannot sleep with ANY light in the room

4. he eats ALL leftovers...even the ones that aren't his! haha

5. he LOVES to get dressed up because he's so dirty at work and he HATES being dirty

This was so much fun! I love my hubby to death! I think I'm going to have to share this with him when he gets home!!!

Alright...for some fun...I'm going to tag: B (The Angry Infertile), B Mom, Brookebug, and Foxy!

Another Month, Another Eggie

2008-12-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

My DH and I have been going crazy like rabbits. TMI-Im aware. But nothing in my blog is TMI :)

It is pretty unusual for us to BD 4 days in a row! Must be doing something right! haha

So I guess I should have known something was up...increased sex drive and all...I'm about to O!

Oh boy! This month is different though because my fertile CM started yesterday, CD 12. It always starts on CD 15. But since I'm just SO on top on my body issues these days (lol) I'm pretty sure I'll be Oing this week! Or at least within the next 5-7 days.

If I catch that eggie this month...I'll be due for my BFP around Christmas. What a wonderful gift it would be to tell my in laws and family that we're expecting. I'm not too hopeful, but hey! That would make a BFP that much more exciting!

I cannot wait for my Ob/Gyn appointment on Jan 9th. I will have just finished AF and any meds she wants to start me on I can start right away :)

So wish me luck in catching that eggie this month! Woohoo!!!

Nothing New

2008-12-04T17:05:00.000-08:00

So I really have nothing new to update on the TTC thing...

I'm on CD 10 I believe...which means I have about 5 more days until I hit fertile cm and about 8-10 more days until O time. So I'm waiting.

You know what's funny? I don't mind the 2ww. I can't STAND the wait to O.
Weird...I know...

So...my Thanksgiving was nice. I ate pretty much nothing. Actually, I'm kidding :) We started at my Aunt's at 12 for my dad's side. I ate one spoonful of everything I'm not really supposed to have. Mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, corn, etc. But that wasn't bad. I did fine.

Then at 3 we headed to my BIL and SIL's for my DH's side. We ate again. I definitely didn't eat much here. I ate turkey and cranberry sauce. And a piece of sugar free pumpkin pie.

Then at 6 it was off the my foster parent's house. I was SICK! Oh my goodness...I was incredibly nauseous and my stomach was killing me. I didn't eat ANYTHING there. I'm beginning to think that the way you lose weight on Metformin is through the bathroom. haha...no wait, I'm serious :)

So I figured my stomach wasn't agreeing with me because I was eating the "bad stuff" again. But it was actually quite the contrary. I ate pizza today...yea yea I know. Don't preach to me...but my stomach was fine. EVERY DAY on this medicine and eating healthy I have had multiple trips to "talk to my toilet." But today...I've felt fine. Of course! All I needed was another reason to eat bad again...lol. I'm KIDDING of course! But still...it was nice to go out to lunch with DH today.

We decorated our house for Christmas :) We have our banister ready, our tree up, and lights outside :) We got it ready the day after Thanksgiving. It was so much fun to decorate our house for the first time. And we took our family photo....just me, Joel, and Jordan. Do you guys know we have a foster son?? We are actually his legal guardians...but he talks to his mom all the time. He's gay. He's 17. He's a hoot. It's been real fun having a son around the house since September. So yea....our Christmas photo is ready to go on the tree. Every Christmas since we got married (all...ONE of them. haha) we have decided to buy a photo ornament and put our pick in it from that Christmas. So I have to go dig up last years pic of us and hang it up and then add the one of the 3 of us from this year. Maybe next year it will be with a baby in my belly...or even in our arms!

So...back to TTC...I have made my follow up appointment with my Ob/Gyn. January 9th at 9:00am. This is THE APPOINTMENT. The one where we will evaluate my Metformin...and talk about Clomid. Come on, baby...we're ready for you...

The Lemon Award!!!

2008-12-01T16:15:00.000-08:00

So...Foxy tagged me!!!

I have been awarded the "The Lemon Award"

The Lemon Award is given to bloggers who have an attitude of caring - of turning life’s lemons into lemonade.

Following the spirit of the award I pass it onto the following people who I think need some recognition:

1. The Angry Infertile (even though you're angry...haha! I give you some lemonade!!!)

2. Annie Bananie

3. Brookebug

4. B

5. This Cross I Embrace (I'm not sure if you read my blog, but I read yours! So I'm tagging you!)

The spirit of the award requires me to name 10 people/bloggers who really deserve it but, as I’m still relatively new at this whole blogging thing, I’m not acquainted with a wide variety of blogs.

So I think we all could use some encouragement! We all have the ability to turn our lemons into lemonade...even if it ends up sour!!! Chin up, girls! We will ALL BE MOTHERS ONE DAY!!!

So on to Month 14

2008-11-26T17:24:00.000-08:00

So I am officially in Month 14 now. I have a nice glass of wine sitting next to me. Don't worry...I know it holds an insane amount of carbs I'm sure...but I'm alright. It's the only bad carb I've allowed into my new diet to date. However...tomorrow is Thanksgiving and while I will be careful, I am not going to cut myself off from eating everything unhealthy. That is just ridiculous. I am not going to let this insulin resistance rule my life. I am healthier person today than I was 2 weeks ago. I will eat in moderation. I will monitor my carbs. But I will not let my diet over-rule my life. I will still be normal..and I will eat.

So on the IF front...AF showed yesterday evening...giving me a whopping 10 day LP. That's just awesome (NOT). So out of the 5 cycles I have had I have had 2 cycles with 11 day luteal phases and 2 with 10 day luteal phases. So in January I will be discussing this with my ObGyn. I think she will be putting me on Clomid, but she may also want to put me on something with Progesterone to extend my LP. In fact, ever since I started charting (6 months ago!) and saw how short my LP was, I always wondered if I had a luteal phase defect. So I guess I will know in January. Until then...I will continue with the Metformin and keep my fingers crossed. I increase to the final stage of my Metformin on Friday...1500mg. I just hope it makes a difference.

Come on Christmas BFP!

Ouch! My tummy!

2008-11-23T11:39:00.000-08:00

My tummy hurts!!! Last night, DH made spaghetti squash for dinner. Now, I love my DH...and he cooks great! But this did NOT sit well with my stomach! I felt SO NAUSEOUS afterwards! Just the thought of taking another bite of that stuff made me feel like I was going to throw up! So I ended binging on sugar free cookies to try to get the taste to go away! haha Big mistake!

I never did get the nausea to go away last night....I had the worst time falling asleep. Now today I still feel nauseous. And I've had some tummy troubles (tmi). My temp went down this morning...96.86...at only 9dpo. My temps usually stay higher than 97.00 until 11dpo and then they drop. So it could be that my temp goes down tomorrow again and I only have a 10 day luteal phase. Or it could go back up again tomorrow for an implantation dip! Doubtful, but still...it also could mean that AF is coming tomorrow....which would mean I'm having the shortest luteal phase I've ever had...not that I would be surprised!

So that's all on the IF front for now...I think I'm going to go eat some broccoli or something! haha

Followers!

2008-11-20T19:04:00.000-08:00

So...if you follow my blog...let me know!!! I follow a lot of you! So show me some love! hahahaha

My struggle right now

2008-11-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

So I hate this diet. Now, this doesn't mean I'm not doing it...but I hate it. This is my first step really trying to get healthier...so I am new to all of this. These issues now that they have come about have been so eye-opening. They have answered so many questions. I am very pleased that I have an answer for all the problems I've been having...but it comes with so much more...

I have now been on Metformin for about 4 days. I have been on this South Beach diet since yesterday. It sucks. I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into. EVERYTHING seems to have carbs in it. I can't have bread...and Ive come to realize that that is the ONE carb I will miss. I can do without potatoes, corn, pasta....but I miss bread already. In fact, I have decided I am not going to cut it out completely. I am eating wheat bread...it is impossible for me to do without it. I HATE salad...my first real whole day of the diet was today.

I ate 2 eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast. yum :) I attempted to eat a salad for lunch...gross! So I made a turkey bacon, deli turkey, tomato, and mayo sandwich on wheat bread. That was delicious. I also had grapes. Then for supper DH made some amazing tilapia with broccoli and cauliflower and mushrooms. That was also good....but I was still hungry. I ended up just now making some egg salad (with sweet relish, fat free butter substitute, and mayo). And I ate it on wheat bread. I'm obviously not doing so well on this diet...but it's a work in progress. I am really trying...and I have already made some big changes.

I am proud of myself...I had a good cry with DH in the kitchen tonight. I am a little scared about what's wrong with me. I am really making steps to change my lifestyle. It obviously cannot be changed in one day...or even a few months. I have to give myself time to get used to this. But I am determined to make myself healthier.

This is a long road.......but here I go...

I have PCOS...

2008-11-14T09:44:00.000-08:00

Alright....so DHs S/A does not have be done til January now.

So here is the basic stuff I have to do: DIET, EXERCISE...lose weight! And take Glucofage.

My insulin was really high...I have insulin resistance. Which is a form of PCOS. Now, when I had my ultrasound done over the summer the tech told me she did not see any signs of PCOS...so I assumed I didn't have it. But my ObGyn explained to me today that they actually go by your B/W results to determine PCOS, so I may not have cysts...but I DO have PCOS.

She told me to go on the South Beach Diet. She also said that I have high cholesterol...and I am at risk for diabetes. Now I was not surprised by these 2 facts because my mom has diabetes and my dad has high cholesterol.

Luckily, she did NOT just send me packing saying "Diet and exercise and you'll get pregnant." She is putting me on Glucofage. She is starting me on 500mg for one week, 1000mg for week 2, and finally make my way up to 1500 mg. She told me it would help me lose weight!!! Woohoo! Im really excited about this because I have always wondered why I had a hard time losing weight (I used to be anorexic) and the only way I found to lose it was to just not eat. I do not eat worse than everyone else...but for some reason I stay fat! So Im going to start the South Beach on Monday...and start walking 30 min a day.

I have a follow up appointment with her in January. She does not expect me to be pregnant by then :( But she does expect me to have lost about 2 lbs a week...and therefore by January I will be healthier. She still wants me to temp so I can see if I am ovulating regularly. She said even though it seems that I am ovulating, I may not actually be releasing my eggs. She also said in January we will talk about clomid.

But basically right now I have to take care of my body before I can try to get pregnant. She said we can still try by all means by charting, but to not expect any results until we get my insulin under control.

I am so glad to have an answer! I am sad that I will not be pregnant by January, but that's okay. It just means I will be healthier and really ready for that pregnancy when it happens! My hope is that I can be pregnant by my birthday in July :) I think it's good to have a goal!!!

I'm so excited!!! Bring on the Metformin!!!

The Angry Infertile

2008-11-13T21:41:00.001-08:00

Gosh I love her :)

I just read a new award she started and Im stealing it :) lol

Here's her blog: http://www.angryinfertile.blogspot.com

And here is what she posted :)

*****

So if you're out there, this is for you:

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs

If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand

If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy

If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you

If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen

If you know what a cootercam is

If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry

If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try

If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family

If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with

If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours

If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section

If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only

If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby

If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"

If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in

If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"

If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant

If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC

If you know what an RE is

If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper

If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"

If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any

If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case

If you can't wait to see the peak symbol

If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns

If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex

If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant

If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.

Rules for posting award:

Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award

Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"

Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

Thanks for speaking up, B!!!!! :)

It Has Started

2008-11-10T10:44:00.000-08:00

I knew it...I just knew it...

I told DH that I did NOT want to tell anyone in our family that we were ttc....especially since we have gone so long without telling anyone...and how to tell them? Yea...I've been off the pill for a year now....???

But DH decided to tell MIL and FIL and BIL and SIL! Now pretty much DH's whole family knows. The select few that know in my family is my little sister (who is 13) and my cousin (who is 18). Both of them know me inside and out, so I had no problem telling them because I knew they wouldn't say anything.

In one of my previous posts I talked about all the suggestions from BIL we got the day DH told them. Yeah...that was fun.

Well now my MIL has started....I have now been told to put 1, possible even 2, pillows under my hips after intercourse. And to sit still in that position for 30 mins at least. Wow.

Amateurs. That is so last year. haha. That is like the FIRST thing you read when you start ttc. Little do they know we are looking into B/W and S/A and U/S and possible meds and treatments. But hey...I'll try the pillow under my butt approach. Sure...why not?

It's Spread Your Legs Time!

2008-11-09T19:27:00.001-08:00

hahahaha :)

Well...it is that time again :) I had fertile cm this afternoon. We BDed too :)

This cycle I have told DH NOTHING...I'm very proud of myself. It is a total turn off to DH to hear "I'm ovulating!" lol So I have kept my mouth shut :)

Today I saw the cm and came out of the bathroom and sat right on his lap. He was already hinting...so I took advantage. haha

So I pretty much always have fertile cm on CD 15 and then I end up Oing a few days later...so my plan it to BD everyday until CD 21 at least. I'm pretty sure I can accomplish that as long as I don't use the word "ovulate."

The funny thing is...if you look through my charts, DH and I have NEVER BDed on the actual day of O. Usually a few days before, the day before, the day after...but not the actual O day. Now, we have techinally BDed on the day of O. You know, at like 3am....and then not BDed again until the next day. So we very well could have missed the O because we BDed more than 12-24 hours apart. I hope this makes sense...it does in my mind. lol

So I am basically holding out hope that the only reason we have not conceived yet is timing. It's not likely...but what do have to lose? Just time...and by the time we have our next Ob/Gyn appointment I will have already Oed. So I'm holding out hope!

Stupid body!

2008-11-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

Well...after that 2 seconds of spotting yesterday...I have not had any since...it was still the weirdest thing! But I guess maybe nothing...huh.

Today was TERRIBLE! I had school today and luckily made it through the whole 6 hour day of 4 classes and 1 1/2 hour increments of sitting in ridiculously uncomfortable chairs. But I survived. Mostly...I made it to my last class and finally broke down and took some meds before class started...I couldnt take the pain anymore!

But what was SO funny what that we had a test in that class. Yea. Go me. Im really smart. Man, I was zoning out!!! It was pretty funny because we had a performance test...yea. I had to sign! OMG that was just terrible! I would LOVE to watch my video again because I can guarantee you any Deaf person watching it would have DIED laughing! Thank God for extra credit that I can make up when Im NOT stoned or in a med-induced coma.

haha. The day is over.

What the heck?!

2008-11-05T18:09:00.000-08:00

I was spotting today!!!!!!!!!!!

SO WEIRD!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am on CD11....that means I am about 5 days pasted AF and about 5 days from my "fertile time."
I have NEVER had this before?!?! It was so weird...bright red spot on the toilet paper when I went to the bathroom...so I wiped again...and there is was again!

I have NO IDEA what it is! I just hope nothing's up!

Stuck in a rut

2008-11-05T09:31:00.001-08:00

I havent posted lately...

I have not had anything to say. I havent posted anything on my message boards either. Like I said, Ive had nothing to say.

I have responded to others posts. Mainly pregnancy posts...sigh...so many ladies on my message board getting pregnant...oh well.

I have not been wanting to take my temps this cycle....my VIP subscription on FF ran out and I havent purchased another one...mainly because I havent really wanted to. Infertility is taking a backseat...to what? Im not really sure...maybe, life?

I am seriously stuck in a rut. I have reached a point in this journey that I do not know where to go from here. We have tried for a year on our own...so obviously naturally is not the answer here. So where do we go? To the treatments? There's no way we can afford it without ANY insurance coverage :( that is sad...

DH still has gotten his S/A done. Apparently they only do labs on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. DH needs to go in on a Friday. He works 6:30am to 4:30am M-Th. So Im not sure what we're going to do. But right now, I dont care. Im not upset that it hasnt been done yet...Im not "gun ho" with it all right now. But that's okay.

So Im stuck...Im not pregnant, but that's okay. I'm not trying any more...I'm over it.

So I guess this is what they call a "break." Im okay with that.

The Only Other Pain I Have...

2008-10-30T21:06:00.000-07:00

Besides IF is...my BACK :(

So here is the best way for me to describe it...(the whole story) I was diagnosed with sciatica in April 07. I was put on prescription drugs for a while and then just stopped taking them a little while after...so anywho...

In May 08 I finally wanted to talk about a normal medication or something my doctor could put me on for relief because it was getting a little worse. So the first thing he says is Physical Therapy...I just needed to learn some relief exercises etc. OK no big deal! So I go.....and it HURT! I asked the Physical Therapist how long it would hurt..and she said maybe a day, but I should feel better by the next appointment...so didn't happen!!!

Next thing I know...a few days later my dog got a hold of something she shouldn't have and I went to bend down to get into her cage to get it from her....and all of a sudden...PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was so intense I couldn't move an inch!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stand up, I couldn't sit down, I couldn't walk...I was stuck! And I was FREAKING OUT! So I called my mom at like 1 am to come and help me...I was crying and screaming in pain...my DH even had to come home from work to help me!

So....DH and I go straight to my doctor again the next morning and tell him basically PT=bad idea!!! So he gave me hydrocodone and sent me home. Told me to take a rest from PT until I felt better and try it again. He also sent me for an MRI. I went for my second PT appointment. She immediately says "go home, this should not be hurting like this and we could hurt you worse if we try anything"

The MRI showed NOTHING. No herniated disc, no slipped disc, no bulging disc...NOTHING. The MRI nurse lady I saw was a total B**** and told me to just take 4 ibuprofen 3x a day for 2 weeks and I would feel better. I cried again...I was pissed. The ibuprofen did NOT work either. Keep in mind I also take ibuprofen everyday...so I KNOW it's not helping!

Ok...so I move on...it's nothing...basically my doctor says it looks like something I'm just going to have to tolerate. I'm ok with that....until....it happened AGAIN! My back did the EXACT SAME THING around Labor Day one night.....I was sitting at my laptop at my dining room table...just sitting...shifted my seat and BAM ......EXCRUCIATING PAIN!!!!!!! Since I had experienced it before I knew what to do....I hobbled myself to the kitchen, got my oxycodone...and went to bed....I couldn't even get out of bed without help the next day. DH had to even help me go to the bathroom which is like 20 feet away from our bed :(

I didn't go to the doctor that time....I just remembered my doctor saying "your just gonna have to deal with it" so I called into work that day and felt better the next day enough to go to school.

And then (I'm almost finished!) last night...I was bending down to slip my foot into my boot (i was standing up) and BAM. I grabbed a hold of my dresser and door knob and couldn't move. I managed to open the door and yell for DH. First thing he did was give me an oxycodone and he said "thats it...we're going to the ER" I had to be put in a wheel chair. And all they gave me was 2 pain med shots in my butt and some prescriptions that were not even as strong as the ones I already had! It was a TERRIBLE experience!

So...the pain itself is in my lower back. Sometimes it shoots up to my right shoulder blade. Sometimes it shoots through my right leg (but that may just be the sciatica). I cant stand up straight because the pain is so bad. I cant do stairs....I cant stand up straight....the pain is somewhat throbbing, but more just continuous and worse when I move even the slightest.

So there's my story...I have a doctor appointment for tomorrow with my regular doctor again...I'm scared to hear the suggestion to go to a chiropractor just because I cant lie flat on hard surfaces like I had to do at PT. I don't want to re-live PT all over again!

My Sister in Law

2008-10-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

is pregnant

AGAIN

My nephew is not yet 11 months old.

"Now all we have to do is get you pregnant! We could be pregnant together!"

Yea.....sure.

This Painful Process

2008-10-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

This process is very painful. Both emotionally/mentally and physically. There is one thing and one thing only that I miss about being on the pill. NO PAINFUL AF! Ugh...AF came yesterday...and TORE UP MY INSIDES. I really thought I was dying. I seriously considered going to the doctor. I think by the end of the day I had taken about 15 Ibuprofen. And 2 Acetaminophen. And 1 hydrocodone. YES, I broke down and took my prescription meds. YES, it was THAT bad.

My back was hurting so bad...my stomach was hurting so bad...I was miserable all day. I had NEVER had AF pain that bad before. In a whole year ttc, AF has never hurt like that.

So...off of that subject...I went in for my B/W today! They took 6 viles of blood! Whew! Surprising, I was fine. I warned the nurse that every time I have blood drawn they usually have a hard time finding my veins and they poke me a thousand times. So I told her which one always works. And she got it the first time! Hallelujah! That was seriously the first time. So we talked while it was drawing and next thing I knew it was finished. And then I looked over and was like "My goodness!" She laughed and said "I told you I was taking a lot! She's (my obgyn) just covering all her bases!" haha

So needless to say....I cannot wait until Nov 14th. I cannot wait to get some answers. You know, surprisingly I was not upset with AFs arrival. I was practically expecting it and not for a second did I think about a pregnancy. How weird, huh? I guess I'm just coming to the realization that it probably wont happen on our own. And I guess I'm ok with that right now.

DH and I have decided that if the B/W and S/A come back normal we will work on paying off all of our outstanding medical bills before we go any further. We don't have THAT many to pay off...I just don't want to kill us. But soon :) I love saying that. It reminds me of the answer my hubby used to give me before we got engaged. I wanted to get married so bad and every time I would ask him he would say "I dunno." And then ONE TIME he answered "Soon." And we were engaged the next month! haha Oh my...the memories...I guess we're moving on to the next step...soon :)

Ob/Gyn :)

2008-10-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

So...I LOVED my appointment! I was so afraid that my charts were going to be ignored and my concerns would be dismissed. But not at all! She was wonderful! Basically she walked in and asked a bunch of questions about me. She looked at my charts and said "Oh, yea, you have a great ovulation pattern." That was so good to hear! Then she looked over my results of the trans-vaginal u/s. She didn't seem too concerned about the small fibroid, but she said she would revisit it later if we don't find anything. Then we talked about the blood work that my family care doctor had taken. I didn't have the results with me :( DH and I were trying to remember what he had tested, but we couldn't remember everything. But I did let her know that he told me everything was normal.

So the first thing she wanted to do was to get DH tested. Thanks to my wonderful message boards...I was expecting this! And I had warned DH for a long time that from the first time we talk about IF that a S/A will be one of the first things they would want. So he's just fine with that. Then, also, since she didn't have exact answers on the B/W she wants me to come in for fasting B/W so she can get her own results and test everything that she wants tested.

So, needless to say, I am SUPER EXCITED! We're finally getting some answers!!! DH ended up breaking the news to his mom and brother that we were getting some tests done :( I was a little upset when he said it...but I guess there's not reason in hiding it from them. That's not the side of the family I was worried about! haha

DHs brother gave a few suggestions (of course!) Everyone has to have a say when you first come out about IF. So anywho....he told us that it is better for DH to orgasm first and "deposit" and then for me to orgasm after he has already "deposited" because my cervix will expand and let in more sperm? I dunno... He kept asking us if we tried OPKs (yes) and elevating my hips afterwards (yes) and then orgasm thing....so yea. Hey, it won't hurt to try, will it?

So AF is expected tomorrow :( But that's okay because I have our follow up appointment on Nov 14th to look forward to! Im going in for my B/W on Monday morning and DH is waiting to do his S/A until Friday because of his work schedule. DHs hours have changed so now he works M-TH 6:30am to 4:30pm. So we would not be able to get it to the office within 30 min during his work schedule.

Oh boy! We're finally moving forward!

"Keep moving forward" -Meet the Robinsons

The 2ww...

2008-10-19T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I am in the 2 week wait. But actually for me...it's only 11 days...but anywho. Turns out I Oed on CD 19. Looks pretty reasonable. So the BD on Monday morning and the BD around midnight Sat/Sun should do the trick (yea right!). My temps are pretty sustained...so I'm pretty good this cycle. Not holding out hope, but Im not bummed either....not yet at least.

So Friday is my first Obgyn appointment. Of course, Ive had them in the past....but this one is the "grown up-time to see what's going on" appointment. I am going to take my charts. I am also going to tell her that I am expecting AF on Sunday...so hey, if we're gonna do some meds or anything (fingers crossed) then she may as well go ahead and give them to me so I get them started right away! But really all Im planning on doing is taking my charts...and letting her know what I did before that....and letting her know the results of my transvag. and bloodwork. That way we don't waste time testing things that have already been tested.

I am just hoping we can get the ball rolling...no sense in wasting time...That BFP has been waited for long enough!

O Day!

2008-10-14T19:24:00.000-07:00

I believe my O day has come and gone. I think it was CD 18, Monday. I had a positive OPK at 4 pm on Sunday afternoon....so DH and I BDed Monday morning around 9 am. I think that is really the only BD that will count this cycle :( We als BDed at around 1 am Sunday morning...but that was before my pos OPK, so who knows!!!

It is funny how predictable my cycles are becoming. I have Oed now on CD 21 twice, and CD 18 once. And this cycle I think was CD 18 again. Last cycle was so devastating. FF said I Oed on CD 16 and I believed it. Crazy! I know my body sooo well know! I knew when my temps went back into 96 degree range I had not Oed yet. However, I let my hopes get up. FF had never been wrong before...so hope was there. My "chart stalkers" (Sylance!) on my message board just "knew" this was it...and yet it wasn't :( The second my temps went up again last cycle I knew my O date was wrong. So have decided to pay more attention to my body and my personal feelings before I trust FF completely.

This cycle has been the same...pretty much. I have used the temp corrector a hundred times this cycle! For some reason I have been woken up or had to wake up earlier than usual. So honestly, I can't go by my temps right now...things have just been getting in the way. But because now I feel like I know my body so well...I know I've Oed already...even if FF ends up getting confused. I have had CM like always, I had a pos OPK, I had a temp rise (sorta), and now CM is gone. I Oed on CD 18...I know it.

But this cycle I am bummed. I think because it has been the "same old, same old" type of cycle. I know I won't be pregnant. If this cycle is it, why didn't the others work? They've all been the roughly the same since I started charting. We always had good timed BD...I even stayed still afterwards the majority of the time. So why would this one be any different??

Let's just hope this is it. :(

So it's been a week

2008-10-12T12:55:00.001-07:00

So I figured I would write something again...a lot has happened. Two more girls on my message board got their BFPs...it's STILL not me :(

I am in my "fertile window" right now. Started seeing watery CM Friday...DH and I have only BDed once. For some reason this time around I don't feel like telling him anything. I feel like if we decide to BD then that's okay; and if we don't, that's okay too. The problem with me is that I KNOW now when I am ovulating...I have been paying attention to my body's signs for so long now that I just KNOW. So it is terribly hard to not say anything. It's also terribly hard for me to not think about it and notice it.

In 2 weeks I will know...AF will show up...or I will finally get my long awaited BFP.

Yesterday was the fall festival at my old K-8 school. Me and BFF have run the alumni booth since we graduated the 8th grade in '01. This was our 8th year. We saw a bunch of our old class members who wandered over to the booth to say hey and catch up for a minute. One of those was a girl who had gone to school with us since Kindergarten. She got married 2 weeks before me and DH. She is also 6 months pregnant. She looked sooooo pregnant. And I was sooooo jealous. She was telling me how this was the first day she had been out for so long and how tired she was...she was huge! And I couldn't stop telling her how happy I was for her. And yet...I so wanted it to me this year...the one that everyone runs up to because they haven't seen me in a year...and I hear "Oh my gosh! You're pregnant!" And I go through the motions of telling them how far along I am, and how tired I am, and how excited I am....but not this year. Maybe next year....But hey, I hope to be pregnant now...which means I will have already had the baby by the next festival...

Well, there you have it. My goal. I want to have a baby, or at least be pregnant by next year's fall festival. Fingers crossed.

Congrats! But not for me...

2008-10-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

Well...today another girl on my message board got her BFP!!!!! I am SO EXCITED for her! She has been ttc for over a year and had almost lost hope...but then she got it! Woohoo! But every time this happens it is bitter sweet. Someone is pregnant....and it's not me...again. I also found out that a lady that I go to church with is pregnant...with her third! OMG...WHY ME?!?!?! Why can't I just get my BFP and move on...? It's so unfair! She has had her 2nd and now pregnant with her 3rd since we've been trying. Wow.

Time For a Change

2008-10-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

I have decided to make some changes to my body. For the better of course! I realized today that I have gained about 100 pounds since I met DH when I was 17. Well...basically I want to get down to a reasonable, healthy size. I am 5'10". My close friends that actually do know how much I weigh are surprised when they hear the number. "I never would have thought!" or "You sure don't look like it!" My simple response is "It's 'cause I'm tall." And yeah, it is. I am able to carry weight better because of my height. However, the down side is I really tend to carry my weight all in my stomach. Not in my butt, my thighs, hips...nope! Not me! Even being big I don't get blessed with the "right" curves! haha. But when I started thinking about this...I realized. Huh, this may be affecting my fertility. I didn't really think about it because overweight women get pregnant all the time. But...I don't carry my weight all over. I carry it right in the middle. I have skinny legs, my arms aren't that big....it's all in my stomach! So I guess my goal is...to just work it off. I'm not gonna stress about it. I'm just going to make an extra effort to walk at my local park with my friend every chance I get. Since I recently went down to "sub" status at my work, I'm pretty much off work until I get called in. So I am taking this time to improve my fitness...a little bit at a time. Total...I think I have to lose about 87 pounds to get down to a healthy weight for my height. But I have a really cranky scale...so there's no telling how accurate it is. I think I will base most of my success by my new found energy rather than the number on the scale.

Why Start a Blog??

2008-09-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

I decided to start a blog because I want to be able to capture my journey from now until (if ever) I get pregnant. This has been such a confusing and hard journey thus far. My DH and I are still very young. I continue to use that to boost my spirits. However, it is still so difficult when the cold hard fact is that we have tried to conceive for one whole year now and no baby. I plan to use this blog to help other women going through the same devastating experiences. I basically just need a place to put all my emotions about the simple fact that I am infertile. If nothing else, it is a simple place to vent. :)